For the last few months my mother has repeatedly complained about me not coming over very often (despite the fact that I live not five minutes away, and that includes the time it takes to load two kids in and then out of their car seats, and even stop for both my mail and hers) and not calling every day (despite the fact that for the most part I am home all the time).
But, you know, it’s kind of hard to get in touch with somebody who won’t answer their goddamned phone. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating, but I’m not. I estimate that for every five calls I make to her, she’ll answer one of them. There have been days where, just for shits and giggles, I’ll call her every half an hour for six hours or more and get nothing but her answering machine. I am beginning to think I spend more time talking to her answering machine than I do to her. Why I bother leaving messages, I have no idea, as she hardly ever plays them back. (“So Jenn, how are you doing?” “Well, did you listen to the message I left you?” “… No.”)
My mother has made the remark that it’s such a bummer that we will no longer be living so close, as it was nice to have us less than half of a mile away. Once we move we’ll be about seven and a half miles away. Um… how does this matter when you’re not making much of an effort to be involved with us? A woman who won’t even answer the phone or place a phone call is upset that her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren will be living a little further away? …The last time I checked, the physical difference between person A and person B has no bearing on the ability to make or the reliability of a phone call.
So, okay. My grandmother died two years (and three months) ago. My grandfather had a heart attack and a stroke in August of 2005 and then spent the next six months in a nursing home. But we’re past that now. My grandfather is home, healthy and well. He does go to a dialysis center three times a week, but the transportation for that is arranged with the dialysis center. For the most part, my brothers, who both have behavioral and mental delays and are both on medications and see psychiatrists and psychologists, are settling down and school is going well.
So, what gives? Depression? Fine. I accept that. And I am sympathetic… to a point. But when things like this go on for months and on, and she talks about seeing somebody or doing something, but then never does it, I find it hard to continue being sympathetic. Plus a lot of her problems also stem from her own routines, specifically her refusal to go to sleep at a normal time and wake at a normal time. Instead, she is up until 2, 3, 4 in the morning, goes to sleep then, gets up to send my brothers to school, then sleeps the day away, waking up when my brothers come home from school, and then napping later in the evening. Those kinds of habits I am not sympathetic to, especially when I view them as only worsening a situation. A few months ago my husband and I strove to turn our sleeping habits around, and it has done wonders. Going to bed between 11:00pm and 1:30am and rising by 9:30am has made such an improvement on our lives. We feel better. We look better. We do better. We are just better.
I’ve been telling my mother this for months. I have helped her cleaned up her house, helped corral my brothers, offered to have her over here for dinner, done errands, gone over there physically and pounded on her door until she let me in, etc. I have made suggestions on what she can do to improve her spirits. I let her know that I have been ready and willing to babysit my brothers so she can go see somebody. I have even volunteered to keep them for a week or two, so she would have some time to herself to get her shit together.
Has she taken me up on any of this? No.
God only helps those who help themselves. I firmly believe that.
You’re situation is VERY VERY similar to mine. I have seen the same things in my mom since my grandmother passed away. It’s only been 5 months, so I’m not quite worried about her now, but if she doesn’t get off the path shes on I will be. And it sucks.
wow wow wow. all I keep thinking is that at least your mom admits she has some depression even if she isn’t making the effort to see someone. my mother seems hopeless.
You mother is showing all the classic signs of depression. Sleeping, not caring about cleaning the house, etc. I was what I called a “functioning depressive” for a few years. Still went to work and was very successful, Cassidy always had her homework done and dinner on time… but! I was tired ALL the time, just didn’t care if things didn’t get done, blamed other people not caring for the fact that our relationships fell apart, etc. And really, it took Ben telling me one day, “get help or else” to really make me go in. ‘Or else’ to him meant ‘I love you and I’m not about to watch you do this to yourself and to us anymore.’ It really wasn’t fair to either of us.
The problem was that going in to get help meant I had to admit I had a problem and even though I KNEW I had a problem, FACING it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I’m a control freak and I COULDN’T control this. When I finally came to terms with the fact that *I* can’t control an chemical imbalance in my brain, REALLY came to terms with that, I was able to start getting better. I’ve been on medicine for awhile now (Lexapro) and the difference is almost beyond words. I am better today and I don’t have a problem with the fact that a medicine controls the ceratonin level in my brain.
Anyway, I know where you mother is and I really think that the only way she’s going to ‘take care’ of herself is for somebody to force her to confront it. Every person responds differently to different stimulation so you need to just find what works for her. Until then nothing you say or do is going to make her any different. God luck and I hope that you manage to find a way to get through to her…
She has no right to be angry if she won’t make an effort.
I think sometimes it is hard for people to break down and accept that maybe they’re not happy with their lives. In your mother’s defense, actually taking the step to go and see someone about depression may be hard for her.
Best wishes.
As much as you try, there is nothing you can do to make her face her issues. Losing your mother is hard, one of the hardest things you can ever go through and something you can’t really grasp unless you’ve been through it, but it isn’t a reason to let go of your life. Your mom has taken the first step in at least admitting she needs help. But making the step from admitting it and actually getting it is the hardest part. It took me a long time from the point that I realized I needed help, before I actually got help.
As far as the distance thing, anytime she says something about it, remind her it goes both ways. A person can only talk to an answering machine so many times before they say fuck this and give up.
Oh, Jenn, I’m so sorry you have to go through that. It must be so frsutrating to feel like your efforts are fruitless. Just remember that you try and there’s not much else you can do. I mean, if you went over to see her maybe she just wouldn’t answer her door instead of the phone call. I hope things get better.
Don’t let her make you feel guilty. You have a responsibility to do what’s best for your children and husband. You’ve gone over and above what most people would expect. Continue to support her emotionally while still living your life. She has to be the one who decides to get help – you can’t make that decision for her.
I agree 100% with what Lisa said *hug*