Tonight I read the blog of a woman who accompanied her husband on his journey from the discovery of cancer to his death because of it. Two days ago I read an article about a woman who is fighting her state over the decision to continue or terminate the life support of her nearly brain dead sixteen month old son. Yesterday I saw a blurb on Discovery Health about patients awaiting heart transplants. The youngest was a baby, a baby so much younger than Ryan.
I’m so incredibly, blissfully, lucky. I take it for granted that my husband is alive and well (though right now he’s tucked in bed, exhausted after a bout of the same stomach bug that I tangoed with). I never think twice about my children being healthy and whole. Reading about the grief and sorrow others must go through on a daily basis makes me want to weep with relief at my own good fortune. It also makes me stop and appreciate what I have even more. Dan’s little annoying habits and absentmindedness are enough to make me want to scream at times, but at least he’s here to scream at, and not buried in a cemetery or lying in a hospital bed. Alyssa can drive me nuts with her whining and insistence on trying on every single item of clothing she has, but she doesn’t have a central nervous system killing disease or only half of a heart. Ryan’s attraction to the goings-on around him – especially when I’m trying to nurse him and don’t care to have my breast waving in the breeze – make me twitch, but he’s here, in my arms, healthy, alive, hearty, and well.
This brings me to the very big topic at hand on most blogs and in the minds and conversations of most people right now – the killings at Virginia Tech. My heart goes out to all involved, but it doesn’t go out any further than it does to those who are a victim or a family or friend of a victim of the shootings that happen every day, in every city, every state, every country, all over the world, every day, day in, day out. I realize that the shootings of Virginia Tech made the spotlight because of the methodical way the killer picked off victims before killing himself. But really, 32 people killed in one day? The only “big” news about that is that it happened in one place, within a relatively short period of time, and that those 32 people are close to half of the daily average of shooting victims (source).
Ugh. I want to go to bed. I need to go to bed. But I cherish this quiet time. It’s nice to not have to be Mommy or Wife. I can kick back (which is exactly what I’m doing – curled up on the couch with my lovely, quietly running, no longer overheating, Vista-fied laptop) and relax, and do whatever. Unwind.
I did that earlier today (yesterday, actually, since we are now into Sunday). My mom spent the afternoon at my house, and I took the opportunity to head out for some Jenn-loving shopping while the kids were napping. I haven’t really treated myself to anything more exciting than a new shade of eyeshadow or some printer ink (Amazon has some great deals – I got three HP ink cartridges (94, 95 and 97, for those of you who use HP printers) for under $45 – shipping included. W00t!) since last fall, when I splurged on a new digital camera (which is for Dan, too). Before then? Probably sometime before being pregnant with Ryan.
Anyway, I treated myself to a pair of capris, two pairs of sexy, sassy panties (rawr!), three tops, and a purse. Tomorrow I may splurge on a bra. Maybe. It’s a big maybe. The splurging I did was fun and felt good. Bonus -everything was on sale. After enjoying my finds and transferring the contents of my old purse to the new, I reverted back to Mommy/Wife mode and went to Target to do household shopping. Razor blades and shaving gel for Dan, shaving gel for me, sandals and an adorable pink swimsuit for Alyssa, and three summer outfits for Ryan.
Daniel said something to me tonight that really surprised me, in a very, very good way.
When I came home from Target, I automatically grabbed the receipt and started rattling off – and justifying – my purchases, while going to get my purse to hand him the check registry so he could oversee the transactions I had made. Sound really controlling? Yeah… we had some financial spats last year, and things ended last fall with him demanding to take control of handling our finances. It didn’t go too well, and I’ve slowly been taking over things again – not just reminding him of what needed to be paid and when but doing it, etc. But I still had to “answer” for everything, and yes, justify everything. There would be times where he would make me feel so stressed out, so horrible, so on edge, because he would actually pore over our bank account activity (online or in the check registry) and receipts and demand an explanation for this transaction, that transaction, this item, “Didn’t you just buy that last week?”, etc. Mind you, these transactions consisted of utility payments, gas in the car, odds and ends to pick up for the house (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, cat food), the kids (clothes, baby wipes, a new pair of shoes for Alyssa since she seems to go up a shoe size every two months), him, myself (toiletries), and of course, groceries. Our biggest chunk of money – after our mortgage and car payment – goes to groceries. Last Wednesday I went shopping and dropped $230. On meats, meal sides, and maybe three or four snack items.
I felt like a speck under a microscope, being prodded and poked at and examined six ways from Sunday. It really, really sucked, hardcore, and was a big issue of tension between us. I dreaded shopping for the things we needed, even though not shopping for them wasn’t an option. I dreaded him looking at our bank account or store receipts. There were times when the anxiety and upset would make me physically ill, especially if I “knew” it would be coming, but had to wait for him to get home from work. A lot of times I would send him an itinerary of everything via email, or just tell him to check the bank account, and then go to bed – avoidance. But most of the time I just faced the music and explained everything as best as I could, and tried to point out that I waited for things to go on sale, or bought it at this store because it was cheaper, or used a coupon, or it was an item that couldn’t wait, etc.
This SUCKED.
Anyway, tonight? He shook his head and waved me away when I attempted to give the receipt to him. He declined my offer of fetching the check registry so he could see for himself that I had paid and recorded the transaction for each and every bill that was currently owed or soon to be owed. Mortgage, car payment, electric, cell phone (no Vonage bill for the next two months – my mom signed up so we got a two month credit, yippee!), cable, checks written for groceries, check given to his brother for computer parts, gas for both vehicles ($2.79/gallon #@*&%$!), etc.
He apologized for being so hard on me before, and admitted that he was severely overcompensating for the times we slipped up. He told me he trusted me to handle things, and that was that. Talk about a big sigh of relief…
Wow, this got really long. I need to get to bed!
I read those stories or hear them on the news and I just hug my son. I’m so glad to be alive and healthy and glad that he is ok himself. There’s a lot going on in the world today and it makes me paranoid and scared to let him out of my site for even a minute no matter how much he drives me insane.
Where you’re talking about your husband near the bottom (starting with the bills) is sometimes how my Fiance talks to me about cooking, or taking the dog for a walk. I usually just fire back at him with an oh-so-adult-like “screw you.” But I swear, he must have these stupid friends who boast “I talk to my girlfriend like this” because every day he tries out a new thing – for instance any time I tried to talk last night he said “Shut up. You’re not allowed to talk until I say so.” He did it 3 times before I slapped him across the face. He was in shock and said “What the [bleep] did you do that for?” I said “Don’t you EVER talk to me that way again or I’m leaving.” That shut HIM up. You have to be strong on the inside and out Jen. Don’t submit, no one (and I mean NO one) should be allowed to “make” you feel nervous, or physically ill. That’s when you stand up for yourself and say Enough is Enough and carry on with what you were doing.
And I read the same blog you did and got touched the same way. I don’t think that I could handle that.
im a long time lurker, and i just wanted to point out that 33 people died in the VT massacre. i think that even though the killer killed himself, both him and his parents are victims too. i feel horribly for all the families involved, but i just cannot imagine the grief his parents are feelings, seeing their son called a monster and other horrible things. it is obvious he was mentally ill, and the safe guards put in place at VT to help mentally ill students and try to prevent something like that fell short. i am in no way justifying his behavior, it was obviously horrendous and something no one should ever do, but i also think we as a nation, as a compassionate group of people, need to realize that Cho and Cho’s family were and are also suffering.
That’s sweet of him to say that he trusts you. It’s sad that we humans never appreciate anything unless something so obvious is there. After reading many of your posts, I began to feel that I’ve been blessed by a lot and so I plan to cherish everything, even if it was scoldings
You know the whole VA killing is bad, but I’m refusing to go there because of exactly what you said. It’s not really anything more than what happens for a normal day in this world, and I feel for all the people who have tragedy. I also am in a really good place and I refuse to drag myself down with the thoughts of OMG what if, what if I’m at McDonalds and some mad man opens fire. Oh well, what if.
But I went shopping and got new capris, sandals, and one tshirt. Shopping makes me so freaking happy. A girl needs new things. I was going to look for a purse, but I forgot! You just reminded me so I’m off to shop some more!
Congrats on the new stuff for yourself. =)
I splurge all the time for clothes for me and other accessories & just round it to a nice number that won’t upset the hubster too much. My latest splurge (ok, its a weekly thing) was at Old Navy where I came out with about $140 worth of stuff for me and well a shirt for him. When asked how much I spent… replied with “oh only $100 and I got you this shirt too.” He started to say something, but I hushed him up by saying “dude, I put my weekly bonus check in so it all balances out and I got this shirt for you. Oh then I got my toes done, went to Barnes & Noble for a book, stationary, journal, & pens for a co-worker, & then… a frappuchino at Star Buck’s.” He just resumed watching tv and that was the end of it. I guess he’s finally used to my excessive shopping trips. Well later on that day, I headed to Tmobile to get me a wireless headpiece for my cell & a travel/wall charger which I put on a credit card that I just opened that he doesn’t know about. I think I’m going to have the billing address changed to be sent to my place of employment. I make it a habit to buy things then slip them in the house when he’s not noticing and then slowly work them into my wardrobe… I’m so “bad”. Reminds me… I need to hit the scrub shop to peruse a $5 off coupon for some more comfy medical slip ons. I’m getting tired of my tennis shoes. Just remind Mr Dan whenever he makes you feel that you need to “justify” every spending that you do that he married you for “better or worse” and whatever income that comes into your household is yours, too since yall are married. Well… technically, you do have a job since you participate with PPP. Let him be aware that you are an equal partner in your marriage and that you deserve to be able to spend some money on yourself or whatever you choose and not have to justify it. After all, he’s not your parent, etc and you are an adult.
I feel kinda the same way.
When I see someone who doesn’t have the use of a limb, or has an obviously low intelligence level, I think to myself how lucky I am to be in such great condition. I was born perfectly healthy, and I think I can remain that way as long as I’m mindful.
That’s one reason I’m so intent on losing weight. Diabetes scares me.
I also read that blog. I dont know how she does it. I would be a complete mess if I were in her shoes. I cant imagine. I also take for granted that my husband and children are healthy. After reading everything she has gone through, it really makes me appreciate my family.
I can agree with you and Amy. But one thing does scare me, I always wonder if my child will be born unhealthy or with a birth defect. It really gets to me when I hear about autistic children or children with serious health problems. Makes me want to start a family early, but even if I’m young and healthy, anything is still possible, which worries me a lot. As far as spending money, things should be 50/50. Speaking of 50, we aren’t living in the 1950′s. There may come a time where Dan has to stay home and you have to go to work. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want you down his throat about finances. It’s good that he realized what he was doing and apologized though.
You know, I think I’ve had good fortune with my life as well, but the way I see it: That could change at any given moment. So, right now, I try to enjoy my family, and my life the way it is.
Also, I think VT is a big thing… because it effects most people on college campuses as well. For example, as a college student, it brings the realization that I’m not as safe as I once thought I was at school. So, after seeing what happened at Virginia Tech, I will be more cautious at school…
Awww, that was totally sweet of your husband to do that
Must make things a whole lot more comfortable at home now 
It’s good once and awhile to get that ‘I should cherish everything I have….’ kinda feeling…. 
That post was really good Jenn.. it has made *me* more aware … and, cherish what *I* have too 
So, thanks for posting it. 