Because there was plenty of extra money to do it – really, we had several hundred dollars left over after paying everything, buying groceries and filling up the gas tanks – I went to Lane Bryant to day and got a proper bra fitting. Then, on the advice and suggestions of the sales woman who fitted me, who breastfed her four children for two+ years each and knows all about how the boobs go to hell and back with breastfeeding, I found the perfect fitting and feeling bra. It was gorgeous. It made me feel gorgeous. It made my breasts perky. I had “plunge” cleavage. Breasts thrust up beneath my throat practically.
I felt stunning. Sexy. Feminine. More than a “Mom” with my over the shoulder boulder holder bras that provided function and comfort but little else. I was ready to take on the world, perky upthrust breasts meeting everybody and everything head on.
So I bought four of the bras, because they were buy one, get one for $9.99. I was originally going to get three, but I decided not to pass up on the fourth, especially since that would push my order total over $100, which would entitle me to two $25 gift certificates (yay for spring specials).
I told Dan about the purchase on my way home. Okay. Showed him the bras when I got home. Okay. So everything is okay, right? Right.
But no. Everything isn’t okay. He comes storming home tonight, stomping around, growling, being snappy. It comes out. He’s mad at me for buying the bras, for spending money.
It’s stupid, but I really wanted those bras. I felt so good about myself during the few hours I wore one of the bras.
But they’re going back. As much as I wanted those bras, as much as I enjoyed wearing one of the bras and feeling so good and looking so good in it, a stupid, superficial method of boosting my self esteem is not worth the damn stress that comes hand in hand.
So instead of standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated like an equal part of your relationship, you just roll over and take it?
No wonder I’m considered a bitch. I stand up myself and don’t let people walk all over me.
Don’t let him take something away from you like that. Don’t roll over and take his abuse. Demand to be treated like an equal partner in your relationship, one who is allowed to make purchase decisions. Break away from how he is controlling you.
How is it that he can have a fancy new entertainment system that squanders your income tax money, leaving you to beg for money online to make the down payment for your new home… and you can’t even go out and buy a few new bras for yourself?
Wake up to reality, Jenn. You’ll always have to live like this because you won’t stand up for yourself.
It’s so sad to see this happen to you.
I’d at least keep one. Chrissy kinda said the rest.
Aww, you poor thing. You should have kept them. I mean come on! Although I don’t know what you’ve gone or are going through with big breast from babies, I do know how hard it is to find the perfect bras. Sadly since I was 13 years old, I’ve always big breasted, while others see it as a blessing, I see it as a curse! Its so hard to find the perfect bra to adjust to your every need in a bra!! To see that you found one in just a short time, and now you need to give it back?? NO WAY! You should get your butt back over to that store, and AT LEAST by one of those God given bras, no matter what your husband says, you deserve it!!
I understand. Being in a serious relationship, I know how it feels to prefer to take something back rather than go through that type of tension with your partner. I don’t think it’s a matter of standing up for yourself, or equality in the relationship. I think, in a way, it’s just learning to share your life and support each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You could ‘stand up’, but I think it would make things worse because it would lead to more arguments, etc.
Something that always works for me is guilt tripping your partner. Then they’re likely to feel bad and let you have your way. I know, I know, it’s not a nice thing to be manipulative but sometimes there’s no other way.
I’m going to agree! When choosing between standing up for yourself, or playing the martyr and doing everything in a manner that just screams passive-aggressive, you should always choose the latter. The strongest relationships are built off of guilt and fear! Who needs communication and understanding when you have bitterness and resentment!
^ You can’t be fucking serious. Guilt tripping is what Dan does to Jenn. And as you can see, it’s not very nice. He gets his way and she gets to be controlled.
If you want to want to resort to acting like a complete child and guilt tripping your way into what you want, you’ll quickly find that what you have isn’t a real relationship. Just a bunch of immature mind games you throw at each other when you don’t get your way.
You can try passive-aggressive bullshit to get what you want…. but at the end of the day, you have to respect yourself.
(The “you can’t be fucking serious” is directed at narrow-minded Michael, not the sarcastic Mike.)
You need to stand up to him, Jenn. What the hell gives him the right to treat you this way? So what if he’s the breadwinner? You need clothing. Why is he allowed to blow your tax return on electronics, that you’re not allowed to spend a few dollars on a bra? He’s controlling you and you need to stop this. This is a reminder of when he abused you in the past, it’ll get worse if you allow it to happen.
I have been in a commited partnership for the last 5 years and have a 6 yr old daughter, and I have to say, I would never, ever take that kind of crap. Honestly if my boyfriend told me to take anything back that I had bought, I’d probably go out and buy 3 more of the same thing. You’re allowed to feel good about yourself and spoil yourself sometimes, if the extra money was there, what the hell is the problem? I would keep the bras and put your husband back in his place.
Period.
This is really chilling. If you don’t stand up to him, he will continue on until he has full control of you. Soon enough he’ll be asking where you are going and even keep you in the house. What sort of relationship is it? It doesn’t seem like a relationship to me.
That’s a damn shame, Jenn. I mean, I do believe you bring in some income to the household as well. I agree with the others, you need to stand up for yourself. You deserve some pampering.
BTW, You’ve been tagged. View my blog for details. *hugs*
Take them back?! That is ridiculous. No way in hell I would take them back. I agree with Chrissy, stand up for yourself!!!!! Did you tell him that the bras made you feel good about yourself??? How would he like it if you told him no that he couldn’t have this or that game or game system or a pair of pants or shirt that he thought looked really good on him??
Don’t take that nonsense from him!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone is entitled to a treat now and then–you shouldn’t have to take them back just because he doesn’t approve. They were a good deal and, more importantly, YOU like them. I say if you feel good in them and want to keep them, do so!
I’m going to echo what everyone else is saying. Dont you work hard feeding, bathing, cooking, cleaning etc all day long?? Not to mention you ARE bringing money in by doing the PPP thing!! Do not let him control you this way. He knows he can get his way by acting like a baby. You need to tell him, ‘NO, I work hard taking care of our family! I am bringing some extra cash in. I deserve something for myself once in awhile!” You deserve something that makes you feel good about yourself!!!
It seems weird that in the last post you were saying that he had just told you that you don’t have to justify purchases anymore, and now he does this? Seems milldly bipolar to me (I’m not trying to be a bitch. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 14 and this behavior seems a bit familiar to me).
I agree with the others, you really need to put your foot down before this gets out of hand. I could understand if he was worried about the price maybe asking you to take 2 of the four back or something, but making you feel that bad about something that made you feel that good is just really unacceptable.
No one knows your relationship better than you, and if you think that this kind of treatment is okay, nothing that anyone says will change your mind. In the end these are all just words on a screen until you reach your limit.
*hugs* good luck, hun.
Every woman should find something that makes them confident. Your husbands just being a grouch butt! lol Id say atleast keep one of them?
I can see if you needed the money for soemthing else, but as you mentioned everything was paid (gas, groceries, etc). I’d stand up for myself, they wouldn’t be going anywhere.
Oh btw, they actually allow returns? Or were youi kidding? Here you can’t return anything like that.
>>How is it that he can have a fancy new entertainment system that squanders your income tax money, leaving you to beg for money online to make the down payment for your new home… and you can’t even go out and buy a few new bras for yourself?
I can’t believe in all the comments before this, nobody mentioned COMPROMISE. (And if you did, and I missed it, I’m sorry)
Maybe take back TWO of the bra’s and keep two. Money always seems to be a big ‘deal’ in relationships so my fiance and I have an AGREEMENT about stuff like this. If we are going to spend over $X.XX then we have to consult the other first. X can vary depending on your household income or even how you manage your relationship. And this only applies to “extras”. Groceries, bills, etc are not included because it’s money that HAS to be spent.
So, if I see a few shirts I like I get them, if I see a pair of shoe’s for $200, obviously I’m going to call him first. I don’t think keeping them out of spite or to ‘prove a point’ is a good idea because it will just cause resentment, and I don’t thin that giving in and taking them ALL back is a good idea either because you deserve nice things… my suggestion is to sit down and come to some kind of compromise. After all, with two bra’s you still get what you want, he maybe won’t be as upset and gets a confident wife that feels sexy and that WILL benefit him.
Keep the bras!!!!!! I buy myself new bras and underwear about once a year. My hubby knows better than to even comment on those type of purchases. When was the last time he got something new like underwear — my guess is more than once a year.
P.S. – Just read the last few comments and saw that somebody had mentioned it. And I agree with Leesha!
Jenn, you deserve those bras and you deserve to be happy. The fact that something so little made you so happy should have been more than enough reason for Dan to let you keep them. It’s not like you charged them when you had no money. You had EXTRA money. Extra money needs to go to things like that sometimes. You need to have things like that to make you feel better. You deserve it, seriously. Did you tell Dan how you felt? Did you tell him it made you feel beautiful and sexy and so much better? He has no right to tell you to take them back. And if it wasn’t him to suggest you take them back then that’s even worse. Jenn, like everyone else said, please stand up for yourself. I know it’s stressful and you want to avoid further fights but sometimes the fights are worth it. Everything is worth it if it makes you build your self-confidence and makes you feel better about yourself. I know you probably won’t listen to anybody, but I really hope that soon you see what we’re all saying and take a stand for yourself. You deserve better than this. You deserve the world. And you definitely deserve a few bras.
I agree with Anna on the compromise thing… Maybe keep just one, explain to Dan that a good bra is important. Not only because it seems to have made you feel good about yourself with the fit and support but also because a GOOD bra is important. Especially for larger busted women. There’s all kinds of problems that can occur if the proper bra & fit isn’t there. My sister has a large bust and has had 3 kids.. up until a year or so ago, she’d just worn the same kind of bras… she has suffered for several years with severe back pain because of the uncomfortable bras that didn’t support or fit right.
Try to come to an agreement over it, meet eachother half way.. compromising is something we all have to do in our relationships!
No. You shouldn’t have to take back your bras. It made you feel GOOD. You wouldn’t have wanted to buy a bra if you didn’t need one. You deserve to pamper yourself sometime. You should NOT take them back. Guys don’t understand cuz they don’t have to buy bras. *BLEH*. Just stand up and say ‘NO! I’m not taking them back!!!! I need them!!!!!!’.
Bra’s are expensive. My boyfriend was suprised at how expensive they were when I had picked some out, and he had purchased two of the most beautiful fitting bras I had ever tried on (this was early in our relationship) … I would take Dan with you Bra shopping, as uncomfortable as he might be, he’ll at least notice the prices of various bra’s the good ones and the bad ones … he’s a man, he does’nt fully understand the needs of breasts and how they need total lovin from the awesome bra.
Men don’t fully realize that Bra’s are not like boxer shorts or t-shirts. They come in various shapes and sizes, do various things to your boobies .. make them beautiful, perky, supportive, etc…
Have you ever tried going for a similar style but not the most expensive one? I normally shop around as money is extremly tight with me and my boyfriend. Once I even found the same style, that fit perfectly and was in the clearance bin at a major department store for only $9, when the name brand, fancy smancy one was $40+ …
i’m sorry but thats bs , dont put up with that bc you bought yourself something nice and something you want, you deserve something dont take them back.
Woah. Some of you are acting like Jenn is less of a person for doing what her husband wants. I don’t get that. I think the correct answer here is compromise. Really in all reality he should have talked to you about it before he got so pissed. But we all know that rarely happens.
So can I ask why he got so mad? Was he afraid that you’d be short on money? Or was he just jealous that you got to buy the bras and he got nothing? I mean there’s a big difference there. If it was just pure jealousy I’d be more along the lines of saying screw him then, but if it was something else then compromise all the way.
You both should have a strong grasp on your money situation and you should know how much you can spend and get away with. But like everyone else has said take back a couple and keep a couple. Even if you take back three and keep one tell him that you plan to buy one every week or every two weeks however your pay goes. That way maybe he’s not overwhelmed with your purchases and you can still feel good about yourself.
I mean you work, you make money, so uh you can buy yourself bras.
^ I think the compromise is letting her keep the bras in exchange for all his games and that entertainment system they bought.
Yeah, umm, just curious, is there any compromise on his end? Because it looks like he gets to make all the ridiculous purchases he wants with no ramifications. Compromise is not a one-way street, folks…
Also, bras? Necessary. Entertainment systems? Frivolous. Fun… but not needed.
My mother does this a lot. She never spends money on herself. Yesterday I dagged her to some stores and she purchased a DVD and three books she’s wanted. I told her that she shouldn’t feel bad about it because she never buys things for herself (she said that she shouldn’t have spent so much). She then said that she wasn’t going to. My father buys useless shit all the time (like ANOTHER tractor, which cost 200 dollars) and she barely spent 30. It’s important to buy yourself things every once in a while. And like everyone is saying, it’s not like you went out and bought a bunch of crap, you bought bras, which every woman needs (well most). You shouldn’t feel bad and I think you should keep them.
I’m not saying that by compromising, she should take the bras back.. maybe not keep “all” of them but keep one or even two of them (since they were on special anyway).
If it were me, I wouldn’t take any of the bras back, especially if it was because I needed a few good, supportive bras. My husband, though, wouldn’t ever ask me to take anything back either.. not unless it was something extremely ridiculous that would put us in a bind financially.
We usually discuss anything we buy and if one of us questions the purchase of an item, we talk about it.. but all this talk is usually prior to actually buying the item itself. I’m certainly not saying Jenn should’ve talked to Dan before buying the bras, like Ranee said, Jenn makes her own money and bras are like Mike said necessary (and as I said, important, especially for busty women).
I don’t know much about their relationship or their life beyond what Jenn writes about but I think they can both enjoy things like the entertainment system.. however, the games and such.. very good points on those.
If he’s that upset over undergarments.. I don’t know what to tell you, Jenn.. like I said, women need certain support and Dan needs to understand that. Maybe just keep them all to make him understand that point..
I don’t know what happened to my post earlier, so I’m reposting.
In your post you say that buying the four bras pushed your total over $100 so you could earn a gift card. What else did you purchase other than the bras since they were only $9.99 and buy one get one? Your husband may have been more upset over the grand total than buying two innocent bras.
I like the advice of another poster who said anything over $X amount would recquire consultation on both parties. It looks like you both need to sit down and reevaluate your budget as EQUALS. Dan may need roped in too. You both could be guilty of purchasing non-crucial items that majorly impact your budget.
Let me just say that a lot of stay at home moms go through this. My best friend’s husband is the same way. She and I had a girls night out, just dinner and a movie and he seemed fine with it that day, but she told me that the next day, he was going off about it. I’m a stay at home mom as well, but my husband never seems to mind if I want to buy myself something (as long as we have the extra money).
I don’t think you should return them AT ALL. You need them, and if your husband is pitching a fit over it, tell him to grow up and get over it. If you had money left over there’s aboslutely no reason for him to act like such a child.
You already have two kids. You don’t need another one
I honestly would normally say take two back and keep two. But bras are essentials! And a bra sale is something you should never pass up. Show Dan how much those four bras would cost you if they HADN’T been on sale and tell him you’re not passing up this opportunity. Unless you’re not going to be able to put food on the table this month because of those bras, you should keep them. It simply makes no sense to buy 2 bras now for $80 (just throwing out random numbers) and need 2 more in a month for ANOTHER $80. Get all four now for $100 and keep those gift certificates for when you need something else.
I just think you should try to talk it over with him and explain that you’re saving a LOT of money in the long run. Unless, of course, he TOLD you to take them back. Then you should punch him in the face, obviously.
Chrissy: While I mostly agree with what you say, there is one thing I have to nitpick: I think you have a bitchy attitude here or there, and I’m not even referring to things you’ve said to me.
Roxanne: Yes, being big breasted is a curse. Pregnancy and breastfeeding makes it worse. I’ve gone from DD to H to G to DDD to DD and now back to DDD again. This up-down-up-down-up-down wreaks hell on my breasts, and on my bras.
Michael: Exactly. He never outright told me to take them back, but it’s something I considered doing just to avoid even more stress and tension.
However, I am going to disagree with guilt tripping. Tempting as it may be, it doesn’t really solve things.
Mike: While I realize you’re here with your $0.02, no doubt due to Chrissy informing you of what is going on, your sarcasm is not appreciated and is not necessary.
Sarah: I asked him the same thing (in regards to the tax return). Surprise surprise, I didn’t get an answer. However, I disagree on your opinion on things escalating to even more control. We have had this disagreement/unrest over financial issues for a few years now. It hasn’t gotten worse. But then, it hasn’t gotten better, either.
Michele: I do add income to the household – I contribute weekly close to 1/3 of what he earns a week. And I will check out your blog as soon as I finish going through these comments.
Leesha: I thought the same thing myself. Him no sooner “handing over the reins” and just refusing to get all worked up about absolutely nothing, and then turning around and throwing a hissy fit.
Shauna: As long as the tags in intact, they’ll take them back. Two of the bras are going to be shipped to me, as they didn’t have the color I wanted in the store. One bra I wore, but the other I didn’t, and its tags were still intact.
Anna: Yeah… compromise is always a good thing.
Teresa: Back/shoulder/neck pain is something I deal with a lot because of my large bust (DDD cup). I forgot to mention in this entry last night that this new bra fits so much better and feels so much better than the others. The back of the bra isn’t riding up my back, and the straps aren’t digging in, and the under wires aren’t gouging into my flesh. It’s amazing!
Aidan: Yes, yes they are! The ones I purchased were $34.99 apiece. It just so happened that LB was doing a “buy one, get one for $9.99″ deal that I was able to score four of them for under $100 (it was a $12 bracelet that pushed the total over $100).
I think I will take him bra shopping. I’ve taken him shopping with me before, but he always sat outside of the dressing room while I tried things on. I think I’ll drag him in and let him see how much work it is to see if a bra really fits – do the cups hold? Is there spillage? Do I have quad boobs? Does the back rest low enough? Do the straps dig in? Is anything poking me? How do I look from the front? From the side? If I bend over, do I spill out? Etc., etc.
I did try looking for cheaper ones, but they just won’t hold up, or if they do look like they’re made well enough, they’re too small. Most regular retail stores (Walmart, Kmart, Target, etc.) only carry bras that go up to DD – and I am a DDD.
Ranee: It does kind of suck, being jumped all over when I’m already feeling pretty down. But, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I realize that I present things from my point of view, 100%, so of course it’s going to look bad.
You know, I don’t even know if he knows why he got so upset. He told me later that he was just insecure about our finances. Yet he wouldn’t look at our bank account and/or check registry to see for himself that we had close to $600 amount left over after everything, and I mean everything, was taken care of.
Molly: Read my post again.
The bras are priced at $34.99 each. But LB has a sale going on right now where you can buy a bra at the original price and get a second of equal or lesser value for $9.99. My total was just over $100 due to a $12 trio of bangle bracelets.
Anyway, when it’s all said and done, I’m keeping the bras, and told him to go pound sand. This is the first purchase of any real value that I have made for myself in many, many months. These are the first new bras I’ve had since the four plain, functional, less-than-$12/each bras I bought last August.
And furthermore, thus far I have contributed 100% of my PayPerPost money towards the household – groceries, gas, toiletries, bills, car insurance, etc. So considering that’s about $1300 (I’ve made over $2000 now, but pay outs occur thirty days after each original posting, so I still have $994 coming to me), spending less than 10% of that on a purchase that is purely for me is not this big god awful sin that he is making it out to be.
Punching him in the face sounds so tempting at times, believe me!
Again, the pot is calling the kettle black when it comes to bitch attitudes. ;) At least people know what they are getting with me, as I have no intentions of hiding behind any kind of facades.
Nitpick all you want.
We’ve already been over it. I’m sorry you feel intimidated by strong women who aren’t afraid to speak their minds (that’s what it seems like, at least/to be honest). If that gives me a bitchy attitude, then I am more than happy to embrace the title. 
In any case, I’m glad you stood up to him and told him to fuck off. You bring money into the household, so you should be able to take money out of it. Even if you DIDN’T contribute to the income, you still have a right to spend money on yourself, because you SHOULD be an equal adult member of the family. You provide care for your children and home, that should be more than enough to justify some personal spending.
As long as you are spending exuberant amounts of money on unneeded items or putting your finances in the hole to make purchases for yourself, there shouldn’t be any problem.
Just remember to stick to your guns and you’ll be fine.
P.S. Mike has a mind of his own. He dishes out the snark better than most. And he calls ‘em like he sees ‘em. ;)
Just a heads up: Your captcha plugin/hack is on the fritz. It gives a slew of PHP (?) errors. Might want to look into that.
Actually, Chrissy, I was only half serious when I mentioned guilt-tripping. I was trying to stick up for Jenn.
I don’t find what you said to me very appropriate for the situation. I can’t help but feel quite offended by what your suggestion that I don’t have a real relationship. I honestly don’t think you have the right to comment on something you know absolutely nothing about, when you’re just going by one suggestion I made that I occasionally guilt-trip my boyfriend into getting my own way. Every relationship works in a particular way, and none of us have the right to pass judgement on what is acceptable as ‘real’.
You can take the passive-aggressive route, avoid tension over something pissy and small – OR you could blow it up, let your ego take over (and please don’t argue with me on this, it is ego) snap your fingers around in a circle while shaking your head with attitude and complain about ‘being controlled’ and that you should be able to do whatever you want. Nine times out of then it’ll end up worse than it was when it began.
And Jenn, can I ask why you feel I’m narrow-minded?
Jeez, I never knew comments could be so bitchy.
Sorry to clog up your comments Jenn, but I just wanted to mention that last bit in my comment (about the comments being bitchy) wasn’t directed at you. I’m sorry if you thought it was.
Do you guys have any money agreements? ‘Round these parts, we get a weekly allowance – anything above and beyond that is discussed first. Rarely is it a “no”, but when something IS purchased, it’s agreed upon, so there are no fights or upsets about it.
I know we had our share of crap in the past but the one constant was that you’d at least fire back with something. I’m surprised, and a bit disappointed, that you didn’t stand up for yourself in the situation. You’re entitled to nice things, something he needs to be made aware of as firmly as possible. I wouldn’t let the boyfriend get away with things like this. He’d be put in his place almost instantly. As the mother of his children, that’s something you should seriously consider working on. I don’t know how he is with you, guilt trips or whatever else was said above, but I can say that if it’s an equal relationship – the pouty “I need to get my way because I’m the man” bull shit, really has to stop.
I know its all done and over,
but I think thats bullshit, and I’m glad you told Dan to bend over and remove the shovel.
If you have the money for it, and part of that money is from what you make, and what you want to buy makes you feel the way you did while wearing that item, why not? Everybody needs to buy something nice for themselves once in a while.
Hey there- longtime lurker here =)
Just wanted to say a few quick things. I totally feel your pain! I am currently nursing my 8 month old son (our third baby) & with how large my breasts have grown, good fitting bras are imperative! But I’m sure you knew that already ;)
Anyway, I also wanted to say that my hubs can be weird like that in regards to spending sometimes, too. Not sure what it is, we’ve been married nearly five years- you’d think I’d be able to read him better by now, haha!!
I don’t see it as some of the others do (being oppressed) because I fully know that marriage entails TWO compromising people. Just remember.. communication is key!
Chrissy | 04.23.07 at 12:31pm | link to comment
^ I think the compromise is letting her keep the bras in exchange for all his games and that entertainment system they bought.
I’m not sure what the purchases are you are talking about. I remember talking about an entertainment center type thing which I assumed was a furniture type thing for the television, etc. She considered sending it back because she found out she needed a larger downpayment for the house. And the guitar hero game which I assumed was a christmas present to someone because it came about at christmas. Other than that I’m clueless as to any purchases of gaming things, well other than that her openly talking about the camera.
BUT I think the key word you used in your comment there was THEY. He probably feels left out or something. It’s a man thing. Doesn’t make it right, but that’s just how it seems to go.
I went back and read all the comments and it seems most of you are touching on the whole stay at home mom thing. I have mixed feelings on that. Sometimes I feel I contribute nothing because I’m not going to work and punching the time clock. Yet, at other times I feel I am doing it all and he’s lucky he gets 8 hours away from here a day. But at the end of the day us stay at home mom’s need things too. Even if it’s a $40.00 bra as opposed to a $9.99 one. Maybe you should tell him that in the future if he overreacts to your purchases for yourself that it might dredge up some of those I only stay at home emotions and it sucks.
I think I’m a lot like Daniel in the money department. I’ll get all nuts over purchases and fear looking at the bank account because I just know that it wasn’t possibly that I had an extra $100.00 for my husband to go golfing and it seems ridiculous to me, but he loves it. So I can sympathize with both of them.
The hubster doesn’t mind my overspending as long as we have enough left in the bank account to pay the bills, etc. I don’t let him EVER get the upperhand with me since its never been like that even when we 1st started dating. I just won’t put up with it and he is very well aware of it. We are equal partners in our marriage in every aspect.