I don’t know how much longer I can take this. My patience is wearing thin, and I am nearing my breaking point. I really don’t have a moment’s peace. I have slept in once for the past four weeks. Otherwise, I’m up every morning at 6:30am, then back up at 8:15am. I no sooner fall back asleep around 8:45am-9:00am and Alyssa and Ryan are up. I can’t kick Dan out of bed to take care of them because he works such late hours, and usually doesn’t get home until 2am, or sometimes 3am. I barely nap during the day, because I’m busy first with the kids, and then with housework, and what seems to be an endless supply of loads and loads and loads of laundry. Then I get overtired and wound up.
When I am finally sleepy and ready to nap, it’s around 3:30pm. Dan is walking out the door to work, and my brothers are walking in. If I’m lucky, Alyssa and Ryan are in their rooms, not sleeping, of course, because heaven forbid something go right for me, but relatively quiet and not getting into anything they shouldn’t be. If I’m exceptionally lucky, one or both are asleep. Then of course, my brothers will make noise, or the therapists will come to see them and not speak quietly, and one or both are up.
Then it’s homework time. Then dinner at 6pm. Then the mad dash of cleaning everyone and everything up to get the boys to bed by 7:30pm, and mine bathed and settled and hopefully in bed by 9:30pm or 10:00pm. Then I’m scrambling to do more laundry, more housework, spend time with the cats, the kitten, and put toys away.
1am or so rolls around, and I pass out. Though sometimes, because I do kind of miss seeing him, I’ll stay up until Dan gets home, which as I said before, can be as late as 3am. I’m REALLY dragging ass in the morning then.
I miss my husband. I miss a full night’s worth of sleep. I miss sex – we haven’t had any in over a week. I miss my sex drive – it went MIA a few weeks ago. I miss a nice looking face – I look haggard, and I have circles under my eyes. I’m so tired, so STUPIDLY tired, that I’m making silly, stupid mistakes. With cooking. With laundry. Luckily, not with driving. Not yet, anyway. Dan has pointed out that I wind up telling him the same things over and over. I have so much to keep track of, and such an exhausted brain to keep track of it all, that I forget all about telling him something, and tell him again. And again. And again.
The little free time I do have – the one or two hours in the early afternoon when Dan is up, or early in the evening if the kids are actually all occupied with themselves, each other and the various electronics and toys in the house, and later at night, like now, when I should be sleeping, I’m rush rush rushing to blog and do sponsored posting, and to bang out as many writing assignments as possible. I need the money to pay the increased electric, to put gas in my car to run the boys to appointments and to take my twelve year old brother to and from school since this one kid on the bus won’t stop picking on him and punching him, and to buy food, SO MUCH FOOD, to feed everybody. And let’s not forget the detergent and fabric softener and dryer sheets and bleach, to clean all of the clothes. SO MANY CLOTHES.
Alyssa is contributing to my laundry as well. The stress and decreased attention given to her has caused her to act out in a way that is making me loathe the sight of her, and has me packing her up to send her to my mother’s tomorrow before I kill her, as loath as I am to admit it. After being FULLY potty trained for over a month, she is now peeing in her pants. I’d say 60% of the time. She may go into the bathroom, but she’ll stand there and piss all over the floor (through her clothes, of course). Or, she’ll go in her bedroom and piss all over the carpet. She’s running out of clothes, and I’m running out of steam, and my patience is just about gone.
I am seriously SO FUCKING CLOSE to snapping.
And you know what? Despite killing myself to make enough money to cover everything, I went ahead and ordered my Nikon D40x camera body, even though I was originally going to wait a few more weeks. Maybe we’ll have enough to have hearty, meaty meals with dessert every night. Or maybe not, and we’ll have cheaper meals that stretch more. Maybe I’ll have enough gas in my car to take my brother back and forth to school every day. Or maybe not, and he’ll have to suck it up and sock the kid back, instead of running home and crying like a little bitch to me. He needs to reach down in his pants, remember that he has a set, and fucking USE THEM. So yeah, we may not have quite enough to cover everything for this next week. But you know what? I REALLY DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK. For fuck’s sake, if I don’t have SOMETHING for myself right now, SOMETHING to enjoy, SOMETHING that is mine and only mine, I am seriously going to blow my fucking stack. There are kids all over my fucking house, in my bedroom to play the PS2, all over the living room to play the PS3, the Wii, using my desktop, my laptop, the TV we set up in Alyssa’s bedroom just to have another one… leaving their crap all over the goddamn place… That Nikon D40x camera body may not solve my problems, but it’ll certainly make me feel a bit better. And living off of a few days worth of hot dogs, Hamburger Helper and trash (ramen noodles, broccoli and ground beef) will be WELL WORTH IT.
All that said, I’m feeling a little better now. Heh. And look, here I am, almost 2am… the night I could “sleep in” and not get up until 8 or so, and I’m up. Why? Because I have a husband, and I miss him so fucking much. I want to scream in rage and cry in frustration. Uggggggggggggggh.
I know you’re going through a rough time, and let me just say, you’re amazing for being able to handle all that! I hope you get a break soon, or find a way to set aside something and get some time to yourself. *big hugs*
Hey Jenn,
Maybe I missed this . . but how come you have to take care of your brothers as well? :[ Four kids to a relatively new mother sounds incredibly stressful, and quite frankly, unfair to you.
Like Sara said, i hope you get your break soon. Or crack (but the good kind, like telling the world to piss off and by dying your hair in funny colors, not the destructive ones). Because you know, sometimes you just need that moment to scream and unwind.
*hugs* You are loved, and what you are doing for yourbrothers is beyond words. You are an excellent person who does not need to be going though any of this. Your not 40, your younger than I am. You are handling yourself very well, but honestly you do not need to be going though this crap. I am sure that Dan has had enough of it as well, his hard earned money going towards added expenses, when you and him finally managed to get your finances in order, even buying that awesome house of yours. You have two children, not four.
Perhaps you should pick up the phone and make the appropriate phone calls. Also pack your kiddies in the car, and start driving. I’ll leave the front light on for you and the key under the mat.
ps. I am surprised that you did not make this post private.
You poor thing
I really am surprised that your mother is not taking the boys off your hands. I mean, they are her children, and surely you’re too stressed to deal with this. I can understand if she’s going through a hard time at the moment too, but it’s no excuse to load the boys onto you especially when you have children of your own.
First of all I take issue with your stance on Alyssa. Obviously the poor thing is going through something right now and as frustrated as you may be (your spoiled nature is really shining at the moment), throwing her away to your mothers isn’t going to resolve the issue.
Which just begs the question: why is Alyssa allowed with your mother when your brothers aren’t? Obviously something went down there because they are with you and not her (you said as much before, right?), so why are you allowing your daughter to be thrust into the situation? Why is okay for her to be there, but not your brothers?
You know what would solve those issues, for the most part, for you? A job. Yes that’s right, an actual honest-to-goodness JOB. I know you must just love sitting there playing house and pretending like you’re contributing to society (newsflash: you aren’t), but if you had a second steady paycheck coming in your children wouldn’t have to eat CRAP (yes that’s right, CRAP, hamburger helper is not a healthy meal and the fact that you SELFISHLY spent the money on yourself instead of your kids is, to me, the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard) and you wouldn’t have to struggle to make ends meet.
Part of being a parent is taking on more responsibilities and trying to take care of your children. By refusing to work, instead substituting PPP for real work, and blowing what money you do have on an unnecessary luxury item you’re being a bad parent. I’m not saying you should deny yourself luxuries, but if it comes right down to it then yes, your children are more important than a fucking camera. By the way, brocolli isn’t “trash”, it’s healthy food, just because it isn’t loaded down with trans and saturated fats (as well as salt and processed cheese) doesn’t mean it’s trash food.
I don’t know why your brothers are living with you, I have my speculations but I’ll keep them to myself. I will say this though: you’re acting like a spoiled rotten little girl, do you suppose they like living with you? Being thrown out of their home and into the home of someone who so obviously resents them? All I heard throughout this whole post, and in nearly every post you make is MY stuff. MY things. MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE. You have issues with them being all up in your stuff, but they’re all kids (and poorly taught ones at that), what do you expect? Act your age and quit resenting everyone just because they’re there and touching your things.
Don’t want them in your room? Move the television and PS2 out of your room and put it somewhere else in the house (no TV in the bedroom won’t kill you, I promise). Kids can occupy themselves if you let them, particularly older kids. Quit acting like a fucking child and grow up. Just grow up.
Ok I have no clue why you have those boys. I originally thought it wa so your mom could move and you were just helping out. It has lasted so long though and honestly they aren’t your responsibility. You can’t forsake yourself for that situation.
Aidan said the thing about making the appropriate phone calls so I feel like I can go here and not piss anyone off. IF you are going to add two preteen boys to your household and bust your ass to take care of them increasing all the natural resource bills in your home, gas in your car, FOOD, laundry detergent and other misc groceries then you need to actually have them in your home and let the state help you out.
It’s not an uncommon situation for a relative to take in children that belong to another relative and get help from the state, it’s called kinship care. It’s like I don’t want you to start a fight with your mom or anything, but I don’t want you to piss away everything that you and Dan have worked for. First it’s eating the crap food because it’s cheap, and then it’s slacking on bills, and eventually you miss a house or a car payment and you can’t get caught up because it’s January and the gas bill is $400.00 higher. I don’t want that to happen to you!!!!!
It sounds like Alyssa is attempting to get attention by doing that. Been there done that but Sydney wasn’t potty trained yet so it wasn’t that big of a deal. Maybe the poor thing is feeling lost int he mix of the 4 kids!
I’m sorry things are so bad right now. You could always get some food from Angel Food Ministries. That’s where we get our food now that it’s hard to make ends meet. They have REALLY good stuff. It only costs $25 for a week’s worth of food. Of course, they only sell stuff once a month, but you can order as much as you want. It might help you to be able to afford other things.
Instead of buying a camera, why don’t you pay for daycare? Seems like you became a mom way too early.
If you still have that option to leave Alyssa for a day with your mother, why can’t your mother’s OWN children go back to their rightful home? I do not remember you ever explaining how it came about that you became a secondary mother to your own brothers which left your mom practically scot-free of her own parental duties. It was your mother’s decision to bring those 2 boys into the world, so she should be the more mature adult as a parent to actually continue to raise, feed, and clothe them until they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. The longer that they stay with you and the more draining this does of your own household what with your physical, emotional, and financial strains, the longer it will take for you to forgive your mother for putting yourself in such a situation as this has become. This strain could even cost you your own marriage the longer it goes on. Patience has its limits that will eventually be worn to its end. You do know that your confession of your current feelings towards Alyssa:”making me loathe the sight of her, and has me packing her up to send her to my mother’s tomorrow before I kill her” only makes you look REALLY bad even if is truly how you feel. One does not openly admit to others publicly about such feelings unless you want to really distance yourself from those that you feel befriended by. The damage has already been with you making such rash admittance of feelings for EVERYONE who reads your quite popular site and I am quite shocked that you actually made this one a public viewing for all to see. Reading this post clearly shows that you are very close to a breaking point and I truly hope that something DRASTIC is done to resolve this matter before the walls completely crumble.
^ I don’t think that people who are Jenn’s friends will distance themselves from her. At least not her true friends. I think it will actually bring some people closer.
wow, what a great thing to say about your daughter.. nice job. If it’s too much for you, why don’t you put your foot down and send your brothers back to where they should actually LIVE.
You need to get help. whether that means taking your brothers BACK to your mother’s house (don’t know why they are with you, but if it is safe enough for your daughter surely they can go back?) or-god forbid-asking DAN to stay with the kids so you can get a break. It doesn’t matter that he works long hours. He helped make the kids, he should help care for them. every mother comes to a point where they feel they can’t take anymore, but it’s NOT normal to ‘loathe the sight of your child’. especially when her ‘problem’ is easily fixable.
I see that the mention of a “real” job and daycare has been brought up. Number one, when we’re not struggling with two extra mouths to feed, the money I make online rivals that of what I made working at a “real” job. Number two, the cost of daycare and the added transportation costs would eat up a large portion of my check. Number three, it would be rather difficult to care for four kids, or two if my two were in daycare, while working outside of the home. And lastly, I’d much rather avoid placing my children in a setting where abuse or neglect could occur.
Some of you commenting are not aware of the full situation. Basically, for the time being and until further notice, I have custody of my brothers. I don’t know how much longer it’ll be for… it has been a month already…
Anyway, I’m off to take Alyssa out for a late lunch. I was able to sleep in today (REALLY sleep in), so I am feeling a lot better.
Wow. I was wondering if someone would touch on the whole Dan issue. I personally think that HE is the one that works OUT OF THE HOUSE and that it’s very important for him to go to his job and be well rested to get there. Because honestly if he loses it, everything will go in the shitter so I don’t see asking him to stay with the kids as an option.
While I don’t know why the boys are there I’m assuming it has something to do with your grandfather and your mother’s disability or maybe depression. I assume she just can’t function with them on a daily basis and if they all stayed in the house together it would have gotten to a really bad point so you took over. It’s not a bad thing you did, it’s something that had to be done. It’s ok to admit that you need or want help and are in over your head.
I personally think it’s ok to voice how you feel in a blog entry rather than being at that breaking point, all alone with kids, and then just snapping. Get it out. Go beat up a pillow, type whatever you want in private, etc.
What I don’t understand anymore is how some of you can kick people while they are down and then sleep at night. It almost sickens me and I’m glad I’m not like that anymore, even if it was only to people I deamed “internet and not real life”.
I also have to add that when you are at a very crucial point in your sanity it’s easy to loathe everything. This is why people start to hit their children, abuse drugs to get through, alcohol, etc. That’s why I’m so glad she admitted her feelings instead of bottling it up insted and then blowing up in another way.
Those that are judging Jenn. Ever hear the saying, “Dont judge until you have walked in someone else’s shoes” ?
What parent has not become burned out and frustrated at SOME point in their lives? I have four children. I KNOW how difficult it is at times, especially when they are small. When its all up to you, with no outside help, it can be overwhelming at times. I can only imagine how hard it is when you are used to taking care of 2 small children and then suddenly adding 2 more to the mix.
I applaud Jenn for stepping up and taking care of her 2 brothers. While I dont know the situation, I’m sure its something she volunteered to do for reasons that are none of our business.
Oh and staying home with children IS a real job. Probably one of THE most difficult jobs. So, she is supposed to put all four kids in daycare and use pretty much most if not all of her paycheck to pay for their daycare?! Then, come home exhausted from working at her “real” job and still have to care for the children on top of working all day? Hmm..good idea.
We all get stressed out. We all say things we dont really mean when we are feeling this way. I remember when my kids were small and at times feeling like I wanted someone else to be their mother. Of course, I didnt mean it and I love my children but IT IS AN EXTREMELY difficult job and we are only human.
I can’t really comment on most of the things that you’ve written about because I’m not a mother and I’ve never raised children before, but I have babysat a toddler before who was probably around Alyssa’s age and going through potty training and she (the girl I babysat) would have accidents all throughout the time that her parents were getting a divorce because they were spending more time arguing than paying attention to her. Maybe Alyssa just needs some ‘alone time with mommy’ because she feels a little left out because you are so overworked. Like one day when you have free time (it’s probably a novel concept though…) just sit down with her and help her colour in a picture or something. Or have a baking session where she helps you pour in premeasured amounts of flour for cookies.
But… I don’t know. It just sounds like you need a vacation from everything.. And then a vacation from your vacation.
im not gonna hate on you at all and i know what it feels like to be at that snapping point where everyone and everything bugs the shit out of you and that’s just the way it is. hang in there, it will get better – anytime you reach the lowest point you have to just realize that since it can’t get any worse it can only get better. we have no right to judge you or your situation – you’re really nice to be dealing with taking care of your siblings right now, for whatever reason that may be. keep your head up, this too shall pass
have a great day!
I’ve never had kids, so I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do remember that my pediatrician used to tell my mom that she should sometimes just put me down in my play pen and go in the other room. Not neglect me, but give us both some time. Maybe you just need to give yourself some space every once in a while from the kids. I know your brothers have some major problems, so discipline could be an issue, but sometimes you do have to think about yourself and your own sanity.
If you have time, e-mail me. I’m there for you to talk to, no matter what you have to say.
Oh and staying home with children IS a real job.
AMEN SISTER! I don’t know how she’s doing it with 4 of them, especially ones who have issues and ones who are potty training oh and a baby!
I find all the people get up in arms about the Alyssa comment, um sad. I’m quite sure every parent has had moments where they just wanted to throttle there kids. It’s the fact that not acting on it that makes them a good parent. All Jenn did was admit to the frustration, rather then keep it to herself and you all jump on her. Why don’t you STFU?
And the daycare stuff? Yeah, cause that would work. Being a SAHM is a job. I’m quite sure a job that Jenn could get quickly to help supliment her income in this area would be completely spent on the daycare she would have to pay for for 4 kids. Yeah, that doesn’t quite work. Not to mention that even if she had a job, they would more then likely be living in a larger house, with higher bills. The more your income the mroe you spend. So a quick job, doesn’t help shit.
I think people are making such a big deal about the Alyssa comment because she said she wanted to take her to her mom’s before she KILLS her not HURTS her. It’s two different things. I agree with everyone else. Maybe she shouldn’t have made that comment.
^ Maybe people shouldn’t be telling her what to say on HER blog. Are you actually paying for her site? No. So, why are you telling her what to say?
I can’t understand why anyone would come down on a mother that does sponsored blogging. You just can’t win sometimes, if you were busting your ass at a job outside the home, you’d be accused of neglecting your children and not spending enough time with them, I’m sure. I personally think it’s really great that a mother can be there while her kids are young and actually be a part of their upbringing. I am not knocking parents who work outside the home and put their children in daycare, not at all, but I would think any parent would opt for being a stay at home parent.
As for your stresses, I know it will be hard but just try to stick it out. You are doing such a great thing taking care of your brothers the way you are, and even though it’s bringing you added stress, I believe it will come back to you in great ways. I’m sure it’s hard on those boys not being able to live in their own home but like I said, just bare with them. I don’t know the technicality of having custody, but when my brother and I were taken in by my grandparents (at age 3 & 7) they received money to help take care of us each month. I’m not really sure how all that works (my grandparents had permanent custody of us) but it’s just a thought.
Keep on keeping on Jenn. Don’t let any assholes get you down about anything. You are doing the best you can and part of that is taking care of your brothers which I can really appreciate. Times are tough but it will all be okay!!!!
<3
Poor Jen.
I’ll pray for you!
Sponsered blogging is still money in your account! How can that not be a real job? Some of those comments were pretty rude. I feel for ya Jenn. Is there anyway Dan can take a day off? Hope things settle down for you. I don’t think I could do it, but its pretty cool that you can at such a young age. hang in there
It’s like this….all parents, moms especially get to that breaking point sooner or later. And frankly, very few say they’re going to hurt the kids if someone doesn’t take them for a day or two, it’s always they’re going to kill them if someone doesn’t take them for a day or two to give the parents a break. It’s normal, common, and of course, when you read it on someone’s blog, all the times you’ve heard it before from friends who have kids goes right out the window.
I have no kids, no desire to have kids. But I have friends who have kids, and I have heard that phrase more than once in regards to the kids. It’s called being stressed out and saying something you’d NEVER actually do. Something EVERY person does, regardless. Try not judging others, and try not jumping on Jenn’s ass about this. Guess what? You should be glad that she made a blog post and SAID things instead of actually going off and DOING them.
Good freaking lord. Some of the comments here are full of stupid assumptions. Heaven forbid somebody post on their OWN BLOG about their OWN PROBLEMS and OWN THINGS without getting verbally bitch slapped by an anonymous coward.
News Flash People: Unless you’ve actually taken time to TALK to Jenn or read about the actual problem then you shouldnt’s assume why she has her brothers. You can’t make a judgement by what you read in ONE blog post or what she’s choosen to post about PUBLICLY. Shoot, I wouldn’t even assume to know everything and I’ve been able to read the PRIVATE posts. I do understand why she allowes Alyssa to go over there, BECAUSE I DIDN’T ASSUME to know the original problem!
Jenn, you are doing a damn good thing. You are allowed to rant and feel defeated and you shouldn’t be judged for it. I can think of very few people with enough gumption and balls to jump into the fire the way you have for the sake of your family. Kudos to you and screw the haters that have no clue what’s going on and are speaking out of ignorance.
I wasn’t going to comment, but I used to work with a daycare where there was no abuse or neglect and your comment explaining your opposition to daycare immediately caught my attention. See, it’s funny that you’re worried about a daycare not being a good, healthy environment for your child considering she’s already in a very stressful environment. Have you ever considered that may be why she’s pissing all over herself?
And for the record, I’ve also never heard anyone who works at a daycare claim they loathe the sight of a certain child or that they want to kill them. I know all mothers get frustrated, but I think that was a poor choice of words and not a particularly smart thing to post online. If I heard someone going off like that in real life, I’d call child protective services. It’s your site and all, but I’d be more careful.
I wasn’t telling her what to say. I was just simply saying that maybe that wasn’t best thing to say.