jenn.nu

Written on May 21 2008, and filed under General

My almost thirteen year old brother is very good at being persistent and pushing buttons. More specifically, he’s very good at doing it to my mom — wearing down her resistance to the point where she either a) freaks the fuck out or b) gives in to whatever it is that my brother is wanting. Since freaking the fuck out is never a good reaction to have with a child, or anyone for that matter, she usually just gives in. My brother only does the whole wearing down thing with my mom, because he knows that the more he pushes at me, the more I’m going to push back. I’m just that kind of person. Unfortunately, my mom isn’t. She caves, and my brother knows it.

The latest incident happened last week, when I went to my mom’s after an appointment. She and I got back to her house before my brother did, obviously, and decided to watch a few shows together. When my brother got home from school, we both politely informed him that he could not use the living room television to play video games (the PS3 and Wii are hooked up to it), because we wanted to use it.

This was at 3:30pm. By 4pm, he was still whining, jumping and jiving. Then he progressed to cursing at me, cursing at my mother, stomping around, punching a wall, and shoving himself against my mom’s coffee table. I told him right then and there that for his continued temper tantrum and now physical destruction of the house, he would not be allowed to play video games for the rest of the night.

At 6:30pm he was still screaming, yelling, bellowing, cursing, and shoving furniture around. I continued to ignore him. My mom, at one point, was trying to calm him down and talk to him, and she looked over his head to me and mouthed, “Maybe we should let him play?” I shook my head at her. This is her biggest mistake — giving in. My brother knows that if he pushes and pushes and pushes, she’ll cave.

Thank goodness, she did not cave that night, since I was there backing her up.

A mini episode happened again yesterday, when my brother came home from school a bit early, while I was showing my mom the ropes with a copy of GTA4 I had purchased for her. Obviously, the game is not suitable for children and pre-teens. My brother threw a royal shit fit for about three hours, but again because I was there, she held firm.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve had to either back my mother up or step in for her. I can’t tell you how many times myself and/or Dan have had to get on the phone or run over to her house to instill the fear of God into one or both boys. It gets old, parenting and coaching kids that aren’t my own, because my mom wants to take the easy way out: give in, ignore, enjoy the momentary peace and quiet, not think about the longterm effect. :/

Tags: family

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, on May 5 2008 at 1:03am:

I know how you feel. My mother & father do the same thing with my brother. If I had even tried half the crap my brother does I would’ve gotten grounded, a whooping, and every other punishment under the sun. But my brother throws a fit and he gets what he wants. And he knows that if he keeps on throwing it he’ll get his way. He’s been like this since he was little. I’m 5 years older than him and my dad’s retired Navy so he wasn’t really around, so it was just me and mom most of the time. Well my brother has alot of behavioral problems and so we’d go to stores and he’d run around, I’d have to chase him down. He’d beg for a toy and mom would say no and he’d keep on begging and screaming and throwing a fit until she said yes. It got to the point were I told him NO and took it from him. Of course this ended in him punching the crap out of me and mom doing nothing about it. And she would cave in anyways. So don’t feel bad. I understand where you’re coming from and it’s not a fun place. Unfortunately my brothers 16 now and I doubt even if they did start enforcing rules, he’d still get his way.

Oh and btw, your brother is lucky enough to have a sister like you that actually cares. You do the things you do out of love. I hope someday he realizes this and thanks you.

, on May 5 2008 at 4:01am:

My mums best friend’s like your mum. I’ve lost count of the amount of times either me or my mum has had to go round there because of her children. Some people just want an easy life but I don’t think giving in all the time is a good thing because you then have to continue to give in and then your child starts ruling you instead of the other way around.

, on May 5 2008 at 4:18am:

Wow…. It really is a wonder that you didn’t turn out the same way if you grew up with her being a pushover too. GRAH to having to parent other people’s kids!!

, on May 5 2008 at 5:19am:

Obviously I’m not a parent, but I think most people can see that you have the right attitude, and the same one with which I intend to raise any children I might have in future.

, on May 5 2008 at 7:51am:

I would go insane with your brother. x_x’

Me and my sisters were pretty much raised on fear. We didn’t have any rules (apart from “if you get pregnant, you’re thrown out”) so we never really knew we’d done something wrong – until mom and dad laid the verbal smackdown. My dad is a physically intimidating man (and we knew that if we rebelled one bit, he would not hesitate in physically “showing us our place”) and mom could be a total bitch when drunk (and she was drunk always), so we became the overly polite, overly nice “please don’t be upset with me” neurotic perfectionists because we were raised with the fear of Dad. That’s not exactly a good way to raise kids…

…but neither is giving in to them. I’d say you have the exact right attitude, but your brother is 13 already. The rules should’ve been set in place ages ago. :/

, on May 5 2008 at 12:25pm:

Good for you for standing firm. I can’t understand how most parents tell their kid they can’t have/do something, then turn around and go back on their word. How is the kid supposed to learn that way?

I also agree with your last statement. Ignoring something does NOT make it go away and just hurts even more in the end.

, on May 5 2008 at 12:39pm:

If you hardly trust your mother to stand her ground against your brothers when she always gives in to their negative behaviors then a game such as GTA4 should not be in her house. It is rated 18+ and I would not be surprised if your brothers ask her to let them play it.

, on May 5 2008 at 1:25pm:

Wow, just wow. That goes along with what I’ve been feeling lately about the whole whining and jumping around thing. It stresses me out to watch it for 5 minutes tops. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that house or witness the violence that goes on.

I wonder if it started out like my 5 year old in just the normal whining and pouting around deal and she gave in so now it’s gotten way worse because they know that it will eventually work. I don’t give in so I’m crossing my fingers it doesn’t ever get to that point here.

I also just realized when you said she calls you and Daniel over that it must be really hard being a single parent to those two boys. In a way I feel for her, but in a way I completely don’t.

I disagree because she is the parent, not Jenn. Jenn took that game over with the right intentions, it’s not her fault if her mom caves. I can only imagine the game will fuel violent behavior? Then again, if she asks Jenn to come over and enforce the rule of them not playing it I guess it’s her right to take the game from the house.

, on May 5 2008 at 3:43pm:

Ugh, that’s how my sister is with her 4 year old son. He is staying with me right now and he just can’t fathom the idea that he can’t have EVERYTHING he wants WHEN he wants it.

, on May 5 2008 at 4:07pm:

And here I’ve been thinking that my little brother was one of a kind. We have holes in the walls all over the house; he broke the doors to my bedroom, my mom’s bedroom and our bathroom; and he tried to kick me in my stomach when I was 8 months pregnant (according to him, I wasn’t pregnant, I was fat). Oh, and he broke my brand-new acoustic guitar, which was my first big purchase ever when I started working, two days after I bought it because he wanted on my computer while I was out with mom and I wouldn’t give him the password. I threw him out of the house the night he tried to kick me in the stomach, and I’ve forgotten how many times we had to call the cops on him and how many times he’s been arrested (including DUIs – he doesn’t even have a license anymore, but he still wants a car). If he calls at 4 a.m., needing a ride, he gets pissed off we don’t do it. He calls mom like clockwork on her paydays, asking for money, because he’d rather hang around with his alcoholic and/or drug-addicted friends then get a job. Or he gets a job, works there for two weeks, demands a raise, and quits when they won’t give him the raise.

Oh, he’s twenty now, an alcoholic and a drug addict who has a six-month-old daughter in PA. He was 18 when I was pregnant with my daughter, and 15 when he broke my guitar.

, on May 5 2008 at 5:13pm:

One day your brother is going to fall hard on his ass when he realizes the world does not revolve around him and that as the philosopher Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.” Major Kudos for standing your ground. Hopefully your mother will do better in the future.

, on May 5 2008 at 7:54pm:

I know someone who parents a lot like your mom. It is so annoying, but I can’t step in or speak my mind about the situation because I tried that once and nearly got disowned.

, on May 5 2008 at 9:16pm:

Yeah he will realize that the world doesn’t revolve around him, but he still needs that parental guidance to make that realization now. Because that’s not going to fly with the rest of the world the throwing and breaking and yelling. Kudos to Jen and Dan. I would have took the games and gave them and sold them online, because bad behavior gets you no where. If he wanted another one he would have had to work it off, including the things he broke during the little temper tantrum. :love: Has your mom always been a push over?

, on May 5 2008 at 11:03am:

If it were up to me, I wouldn’t allow him to play any video games until he turned 18 That’s basically all he does all day, every day and he rarely goes out to play like a normal kid.

Hell, even when I was a kid his age and I had my nintendo and spent a lot of time playing it, every day after school I’d still spend 3 or 4 hours playing around outside with my brothers before coming in to play around for the remainder of the night.

This kid’s got some serious problems, and it’ll only get worse as he gets older unless something really clicks in him.

, on May 5 2008 at 12:24am:

It is the SAME thing with my brother and I. He’s only three years younger than me, but he has gotten away with a lot more. Once I was out of the house my Mom didn’t want to deal with it from my brother so she would just give in. It annoys the shit out of me. If I am there then she stands up though.