For the first time in close to a month I had a really good night’s sleep. Ten hours altogether. I went to bed at midnight. MIDNIGHT. For you 9-5ers, that’s like going to sleep at 6pm. Seriously, most of my nights don’t wind down until 2am or later. Midnight was weird. But good. I was out not long after I hit the pillow.
I had a really good but odd dream, too. It definitely had several elements in it that were influenced by some things going on in life. Anyway, a big chunk of the dream was about having a third baby, a little girl. So I woke up thinking about how nice it would be to have a third baby, got a little wistful over the fact that there will be no more babies, and moped my way into the bathroom. Then Ryan came in screaming and shrieking, and threw a royal shit fit when I shut the door so I could have the pleasure of using the bathroom, brushing my teeth and putting in my contacts without company. The screaming continued while I got dressed in the bedroom, and basically didn’t stop until I was back out and within sight of Ryan. Needless to say, my baby dreams and wishes went up in smoke right then and there, lol.
Daniel read my last blog entry on Thursday afternoon. I didn’t know he had until he came in the bedroom and hugged me. It was a bit awkward, because I’ve never before really thought about all those details, let alone told him. He knows that I am a victim of sexual abuse, but didn’t know to what extent, or what all went on.
He asked if I was all right in terms of us. I assured him that I am, which is true. We have been together for eight years. Eight years of kissing, touching, having sex, having babies… I am very comfortable with him touching me, and with everything we have done and currently do together. I trust him, I am comfortable with him. I no he would never do anything to hurt me or violate me. It’s hard to put these kinds of reassurances into words in a way that he’ll understand. Now I’m afraid that he feels uncomfortable with me. I hope not. 
The outpouring of comments and emails has been unbelievable. Thank you, all of you. For the words of encouragement and support, and for sharing your own stories. I know that what I wrote was definitely triggering, and that it encouraged some of you to share your own experiences. I appreciate you sharing them with me, even though I know that talking about sexual abuse and assault isn’t an easy thing to do. But at the same time, it can be such a relief to get it out there, to tell somebody, to know that somebody understand where you’ve been, because they’ve been there, and they’re fighting the same demons that you are, and that their past never really leaves them, that months and years and decades later it can still affect them.
I’m going to write a letter to Gwen. I haven’t yet put it on paper, but I will. For my own peace of mind, to inform Gwen, and maybe to protect other potential victims. I haven’t told my mom that I’m going to do this and I won’t, because there’s no point. Once again she’ll downplay the situation, and most likely try and talk me out of it, to let sleeping dogs lie and avoid hurting Gwen.
And onto my mom. I let her keep my car on Thursday night because she had a very important doctor appointment to go to on Friday morning. Those are her words — “very important” — but I know what the purpose of the appointment was, and I agree with her that it’s important. But not so important that she didn’t oversleep and miss it. So she rescheduled it for this morning. And according to my brother, went to it.
She did find the mini-van key. After insisting up and down that it wasn’t here, it was found. At her house. Thank god. Dan started working on the mini-van yesterday, but had issues accessing the rear spark plugs, and then he had to go to work. He called his brother for some advice yesterday afternoon, and now that he is up and rested, will be going back out to check things out today. If he can’t get the mini-van started, and his brother can’t when he comes over next, we’ll have no choice but to have it towed to a mechanic and go from there. *sigh*
And of course, there’s always something more going on. It never ends. My mom called me yesterday in tears and sobbing. One thing about my mom is that she rarely, if ever cries. Me, I cry at the drop of a hat. I get stressed, I cry. I get sad, I cry. I get ANGRY, I cry. It’s annoying. But anyway, from setting up a bunch of checks and not keeping track of things and the bank not paying any of the checks and instead letting each one being put through three times, she has hardly anything for the month. While I won’t divulge what my mom would have and what she does have, I will say that the amount she has for the month is only 30% of what she would normally have. Ugh.
I know that this IS a pretty direct result of her being very irresponsible with managing her money, but at the same time I can’t turn my back on her. She is my mother, there are my brothers to think about, and they have nobody else. So. I am getting my car back. Today. Either she’s coming over here this afternoon and I’ll drive her and my brothers back home, or Dan will take me over there on the way to work to pick up my car.
I told her to pay the important bills and screw the rest. I will help with food, but that’s it. I will go shopping with her to insure that she gets the most food for the money, and that’s it. If she needs to go out to an appointment or pick up medicine from CVS, I will take her. But that’s it. I cannot, WILL NOT help beyond food (and probably cat food), and I will take her out but NOT let her keep the car.
And that’s that. I refuse to dwell on it any more, because my head would explode.
Some photos from yesterday:
Ryan does eyeliner.
P.S. New layout for August. I like pink! ♥
Ryan has some beautiful eyes! They’re growing up so quickly, and so well!
I cry at the drop of a hat too. Hell, even when I’m not angry/stressed/whatever, I cry. For no apparent reason other than to drain my eyes.
I’m such a softie too. I cry at the Pamper’s Commercials with the little baby animals, and even the one with the babies around the world with the life saving vaccines. I get CHOKED UP!
Can I ask what kind of work you do at home?I’ve seen you talk about doing some sort of writing and I’m trying to find supplemental income but I’m not sure about signing up with those data entry rebate jobs online because it costs money and I don’t want to get stiffed.
Shastas last blog post..Money Gripes
It wasn’t until I got together with Jeremy that I became an emotional crying twat. I’m like you, I cry at the drop of a hat about anything. Even movies that I had watched in the past that didn’t phase me, now cause me to tear up. Haha.
It’s good to hear that you plan on writing a letter to Gwen. Kudos.
Your children are developing fangs there Jenn :D
I love the new theme, very pretty. I think thats a great idea to send her a letter.
Hey Jenn,
I’m sorry I didn’t leave you a comment on your last entry, even though I usually do. I hope you didn’t think it was because I didn’t think it was important, it is, it’s just that, having never been through that myself I didn’t know what to say, and needed some time to contemplate something appropriate!
I’m glad you and Dan are open about this and fine with it. As for him feeling uncomfortable with you, I think the best thing to do is just keep talking, keep communicating about it, so you don’t feel like you’re shutting down and becoming awkward. Oh dear. I hope that makes sense! o.O
As for sending the letter, yes, I definitely think you ought to, even if you know your mother wouldn’t approve. It wasn’t her that went through this, it was you. Yes, it’s possible that it will hurt Gwen to find out (even though she may already know, if this man has abused other people too), but in the end I think she’ll be glad you told her.
I also noticed in your last blog you wrote about how Charlie “won”. I don’t think he did. Nobody who treats another person the way he treated you ever really wins. This is another reason you should tell Gwen, who knows, it might lead to him being prosecuted, especially if you find out that you were not the only victim. I’m sure the police most likely WOULD handle something that happened XYZ years ago. Even if it was a long time, it still happened, it was still wrong, and it still affected somebody!
I think sending her a letter would be a good idea. Just letting Gwen be more aware, maybe it’ll prompt her to may better attention to the things he does and who he hangs around all the time.
And those are some cute photos of the kids, they’ve both got nice sets of chompers there.
Michelle’s last blog entry: A Dr. Seuss Moment
I also think that sending the letter to Gwen is a good idea. She may not believe you at first but whether she believes you or not, at least it’s out there. I know that when you tell someone something they don’t want to hear, they refuse to believe it BUT they start looking into clues, looking into things, if only to prove that what you’re telling them isn’t true. Then again, what reason would you have to lie? Gwen knows you, or, at least she *knew* you. She knows you don’t hate her and would have no reason to lie. She needs to know, and though it may be difficult, she’ll thank you in the end.
Your children are so cute. <3 Kinda making me broody, which is an achievement. :D
Ryan is turning into quite a handsome little man. That third picture is priceless.
I just wonder what your mother would do if you weren’t there to pick up the pieces. She’s lucky Jenn, most kids that went through what you did would not be this willing to help. You’re a special kind of person to be so forgiving of so many people.
I’m glad you have a husband that is understanding of the past situation. I still say send the letter…
On a picture note, I can’t believe those two are getting SO BIG!!