I’d say that 99% of the spam emails and comments I receive relate to penis enlargement. Such endearing phrases like “make your meat massive”, “make her scream”, “make her bleed” and “save your marriage” are often thrown around. Really? Do men really think this way? There must be some grain of truth to it all, because advertisers aren’t going to go after their prospects without using the right keywords, terms and catch-phrases.
Hey boys, here’s a newsflash for you: we don’t care about your penis. Oh, we want you to have one, we want you know how to use it, and it should be big enough for us to pick out when reaching blindly into your pants, but beyond that we’re not too picky. We like the sensation of being filled, we love being with you, but we have no desire to be torn apart, to be moaning in pain rather than ecstasy, or to bleed as a result of sex.
The average erect penis size is 5.1 – 5.7 inches in length, with a girth (circumference) of 3.5 – 3.9 inches. (source)
A woman’s vagina, when not in “use”, collapses onto itself, much like a tent that has been taken down. The walls of the vagina collapse against one another, and it’s only during sexual activity that the vagina expands to accommodate a penis. Hormones also cause the vagina to swell and sensitivity (more so around the outer area of the vagina) to increase, so that sensations are even more pleasurable than they would be normally.
This means that unless your girlfriend or wife is routinely banging one liter soda bottles and baseball bats, she will achieve immense pleasure from being penetrated by you. And if anything, it’s girth that means more and does more for many of us than length.
So please, put down the penis pumps, toss out the pills, and keep on marking those emails for what they are — spam. So long as your average, or even near average, you’re fine. Learn sexual techniques, including various positions, angles of penetration, and how to work your hips and body when you are having sex. Throw in the bag some nice oral and hands-on techniques, focus on both of you achieving an orgasm, and your woman should not have any complaints.
And if she does, and there are problems in your relationship or marriage, trust me when I say that your poor, innocent penis is probably the last to blame (unless you have been putting it in places that it does not belong).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have dinner to finish, job descriptions to look over for a client, and a dog to walk.
Related posts:6 Comments
, on September 25 2008 at 7:27pm:
My favorite are the spam mails for Viagra disguised as breaking celebrity news. :hmm: NOT
, on September 25 2008 at 8:22pm:
Toooooo true. I would so rather have average so that I can have more fun more often. Same goes for being able to “go for hours.” No. Hours = ow. It sounds nice, sure, but if men were really like they “want” to be we would only be able to have sex once every couple of weeks in order to recuperate!
I wonder if it’s just an insecurity from watching too much porn. Because really? We women are such versatile creatures that there are SO many ways to please us, even without a penis.
, on September 25 2008 at 8:49pm:
LOL! Best post ever! :p
I think the best spam title I have ever seen was one addressed to my father (by name) and reading “You have a really stupid face, *dad’s name*. Really stupid.”
FAIL.
, on September 25 2008 at 9:14pm:
I totally agree! I am so sick of those emails I get. I don’t understand why men are so concerned about the SIZE, when it’s really about technique. Plus, I’ve heard that there’s only nerve endings within the first few inches of the vagina anyway, and the G-spot is located fairly um… I don’t know how to put it, shallow in the vaginal opening? (that probably made no sense) but anyway, having an 11-incher would be painful rather than enjoyable, I’d think. My boyfriend is definitely bigger than the “average”, I assure him that he’s perfect, and we have a great sex life, but STILL he gets all sensitive and doubtful when those ExtenZe commercials come on.
, on September 25 2008 at 9:38pm:
I haven’t gotten one of those emails in a long time, but I’m often ‘sold’ on the idea that viagra is for me. The last time I checked, I didn’t have one of those friends “down there”.
This entry made me laugh, Jenn!
As the domain name suggests, my name is Jenn, and I own this blog. I'm 26 years old and married to my one true ♥, Daniel. And while I have two kids (Alyssa is five, and Ryan is three), you won't find "mommy" in my username or email address, nor does my blog revolve around them. I'm a mother, but most importantly I am me, with a passion for love, blogging, reading, and photography. I'm also a busy freelance writer, web designer & SEO goddess.
I totally agree with you. I think it’s funny when Gmail is filled with those types of spam because… don’t they know I’m female? :hmm: