My mom and I aren’t doing so well. Oh, we definitely present a united front for Children & Youth (I liken myself to her guard dog, snarling at them and ready to leap down their throats while pointing out inconsistencies and hypocrisies), the other agencies involved (all of whom are on my mother’s side), and of course my brothers. But when we’re not focused on that, or talking about Alyssa and Ryan, especially Ryan, who has made a lot of progress verbally (he’s up to ten words now, and knows the sign for more!), we’re snarling at each other. Mainly over money (how much we’ve given her since June, how she’s mismanaging her finances), and the fact that she could be doing more on different things… things I won’t elaborate on here, since you never know who’s ready. *shifty eyes* But still, important things. Things that I can’t neccessarily do for her.
Did you know that my mom is insistent on getting a dog? My mother, queen of dumping pets when she tires of them or they act out or have too many accidents (accidents they have because they were never properly crated/taken out/housetrained/given the TIME to housetrain) in the house (she has been through four dogs since 2002: a Pug in 2002, a Yorkie in 2003, a Chihuahua and then a Shitzu in 2005), is getting a dog. A dog that she really can’t afford the upfront costs for (cost of the dog (she’s insisting on a Yorkie; it’s a $600 dog), supplies, spaying), a dog I doubt she’ll put forth the effort and consistency required for housetraining. I bet you $50 the dog will be sold or ditched at the humane league within a year’s time.
Believe me, I have been trying to talk her out of it. Pointing out the costs, the care and firm consistency required, the fact that smaller dogs such as Pugs and Yorkies don’t train as quickly as other dogs, and her glaring track record with pets. As it stands she has had Merlin for two and a half years — a true record. This is a cat that she has only recently stopped from going outside by purchasing an electronic collar for (same collar I have for Leah). Before then she would bitch and try to block the door, but never bother to dig out the $70 scat mat she bought FOR THE SAME PURPOSE when Merlin was a kitten.
Then there’s Fritzy, Simon’s brother. I admit that I don’t go over to her house very much, so I was appalled by the amount of knots on him when I saw him in July. Or should I say, the few tiny loose pieces of fur — mainly his tail. I screamed and ranted and raved and begged her to let me take him to get him groomed. But she kept insisting she could do it herself with a comb. Yeah right. When I paid to have both Fritzy and Max (her other Persian; she got him in August of 2007) neutered at a clinic in September the vets took pity on Fritzy and had a tech spend almost two hours on him, removing the mats. It seriously looked like he was skinned, the way the fur all over his body was peeled back. She had to use clippers, combs and a fucking surgical knife to free him from the mess.
The stress with my mom is putting a strain on our marriage. Dan and I have been arguing and fighting and getting into spats left and right since August, and I know a lot of it is because of disgust over how my mom has been handling things. Knowing she was getting the dog really iced the cake. He’s been at MY throat over it on an almost daily basis. But what am I supposed to do? I argue with my mom, tell her it’s a bad idea, beg her not to, point out all the reasons she shouldn’t… but she’s a grown woman. She has dug in her heels and refuses to listen to me. I can’t MAKE her change her mind, like Dan insists I should be able to do.
Ugh.
Tomorrow is also bringing yet another trip out to see my ten year old brother. We’re having a meeting with the shelter staff and Children & Youth to determine his “placement”. In other words, Children & Youth is going to come up with all sorts of BS reasons as to why I shouldn’t have my ten year old brother (read this post for a good example of their BS), and do everything that goes against “the best interest of the child” for the sake of throwing their weight around and lording it over my mother and I.
Friday we’re seeing my thirteen year old brother. He wants us to have dinner with him, and watch one of his soccer games. He joined the soccer team at the residential school he’s at, and I am *very* proud of him for doing so well both academically and socially.
Then on Sunday comes the Renaissance Faire. Yay!
P.S. The new phone works GREAT. It has a talking caller ID… very nice for those times when it’s a pain to drop everything just to run and see who’s calling. And the block feature? Works like a charm. Calls from unwanted callers ring like half a ring, and then that’s it. Whee. :evil:
It’s good to hear that your brothers seam to be doing well. Also, congrats on Ryan learning more words.
As far as your mother goes. You are absolutely right. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions (even tho they may not be good ones.) Dan needs to try and understand that if your mother decides to get a dog, its her decision to make, not yours. And if you’ve already voiced your opinion to her and Dan still has his ow concerns, maybe he should try saying something and stop putting all the pressure on you.
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It makes me SO SICK, when people get animals and bail on them. I do not care what the reason, when you get a pet you are making a commitment to them that you will love and take care of them. That’s like having a child and just passing it off to someone because you don’t feel like changing diapers. :mad:
What kind of new phone did you get? I think I missed that :\
Kelley´s last blog entry: Finally!
My aunt was JUST like that. She goes through animals faster than anyone I know. And everytime she decides to get rid of them, they’d go to family members. We used to live on a farm, so we took a lot of her cats over the years. It’s just appalling how people can be.
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I HATE people who take on the responsibility of animals and then ditch them when the novelty has worn off. My advice is to not do anything for your mother in regards to her new dog — if she wants you to help her pick one out, pay for it, take it to the vet, etc., say no and remind her that she was so insistent on getting it in the first place. If she wants it that bad, she had better take care of it.
Your husband is right to get upset with your mom if he feels that she’s going to try to pressure you two into helping her take care of the new dog. But take it out on you? No way. This is definitely something he should bring up with your mother.
I am sorry your mom is like that with you! Seems like she is jealous.
Hope things get better for you!
I can’t stand that when people do that
to animals. Seems like your mom needs to take care of herself and your brothers
and you before she gets more pets.
Jen´s last blog entry: new items
it does sound a lot like you’re the more mature one in the relationship… it’s a pity that she can’t be more responsible. it seems like you all have enough things going on without having to add a new puppy into the mix.
it makes me sad when people can’t look after animals and then just take them to animal shelters as well
here it usually means that the animal will be put to sleep if it isn’t re-adopted.
Jenn, I’ve been reading about this situation you’re in for a while now and I REALLY feel for you. I know you love your mom and your brothers but I see this situation getting worse and causing more damage to your own family.
Do I think it was right that CPS took your brothers from you mothers care? Not really. However, given the posts I’ve read about your mom, I think she and your brothers need serious help and assistance. I think if CPS only takes away your brothers and places them in foster care, they are missing a huge opportunity to fix and help a mother in need to teach her how to become a better parent. But that’s just me and I don’t know much about how these agencies work.
I think you’ll have a lot of tough decisions to make in the future. I hope that things improve instead of going down the path I see it going. Best of luck!
I’m starting to agree with Molly. Do I think it was right for the reasons that CPS took your brothers? Not at all. My 5 year old, a classmate, and her older sister were outside playing probably 25 foot away from me and their mother last night at a church and although within our eyeballing them, they looked the same way your brothers must have looked that day? I don’t think any eyeballs were raised at us. So it’s BS what they did.
However, they are missing a huge chance to fix a really bad situation. I think your mom has good intentions, but it sounds like she has a hard time following long term commitments just like with the pets and money responsibilities.
The fact that you don’t go to her house a lot does not excuse her from caring for her own cat!
Honestly, how can she care for two tween special needs boys if she can’t groom a cat properly? It makes me sad because you are handing her money constantly and I wonder what she’ll do if lawyer fees start to pile up from this matter? Will she look to you to do it all?
Getting a dog that costs over NOTHING is completely irresponsible when she’s been taking hand outs from you to fix her van, to drive her all over creation, to do god knows what else with. She does not need a dog at all. I know she’s a grown woman, but for god’s sake refuse to be a part of it. Don’t drive her to pick this puppy up and do not give her any money for anything related to it!
On a side note, you must have the best husband in the world. My husband would have never put up with this behavior. He does not like to see me stepped on and if I hadn’t already told my mom the what is he’d have done it for me and said get bent, you’re free to come visit, but you’re not getting any more help from us!
Ranee pretty much summed up everything I was going to say…
My Mother was/is also very dependent on other people. She’s always depended on my Granma, and now that she’s gone it’s hard for her to be independent. She’s never been on her own before, she has no idea what it’s like to be responsible. She has the mentality of a teenager when it comes to the way she lives her life and the choices she makes. I also give my Mother money when she needs it or when I have it to give. And I’ve given her food and toiletries….
At the risk of sounding cruel I have to say this…… STOP GIVING YOUR MOTHER MONEY. You’re only enabling her by doing so. She knows that you’ll pick up her slack, that’s probably why she just expects you to do the things you do. If it wasn’t for the situation with your Brothers I’d tell you to just cut your ties with her completely. You have your own family to take care of, Jenn. It’s also putting stress on your marriage and that needs to stop….
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I didn’t mean to sound harsh earlier. It might be easier for me to say these things because my own mother has never really emotionally available for me so I don’t really think I’d hesitate to hurt her feelings, she doesn’t hesitate to hurt mine you know? It sounds a lot like your mom is the same way, but you are a much nicer person than me. Then again I don’t have two dependent brothers either.
What worries me is that if you and Dan can’t take this stress and something happens between the two of you the odds that you’ll become more dependent on your mother in just about every way. You would need support so that would be the normal thing to do is lean on family. That would throw Ryan and Alyssa right in the mix of dealing with her mentality and that isn’t good at all!
Wow Jenn I’m so sorry. Stress with my family has been affecting my relationship, as well. I definitely know stress can do that.
I feel bad for your mother’s situation. I don’t think she deserved what C&Y did to her and your brothers, but I do think she needs some sort of help. It’s great that she has an amazing daughter who will help her mother and brothers when they need it, but you’re only one person. You have your own family, and you do a damn good job with them. You need to take care of them and find some sort of help for your mother. I know it’s hard to say no to family, but I agree with some of these other people who don’t think you should keep assisting your mom in such huge ways.
I hope things get better soon. For you and your family.
Caitlin´s last blog entry: Don’t catch the autism
Doesn’t your mom have enough on her plate without adding a dog to the mix? I also am confused about how a woman who has no money plans to obtain a $600 dog.
What your mom does over at her house is none of Dan’s business, but if that $600 is coming from his pocket-either because she wastes her disability checks on this dog and needs to get more from you and Dan to cover her necessities, or thinks you’re going to pay for the dog- Dan has every right to be outraged.
Might help your marriage if you and Dan sat down, did your own finances, figure out how much money you’re comfortable giving her to help out each month (if any), and then stick to that limit, regardless of how desperate she is for necessities, or she will just continue to bleed you and your marriage dry.
Much as I hate to say it, once the situations with your brothers is sorted out, it might be smart to not talk to your mother anymore except for holidays. A line is crossed when your marriage is going through troubles. Your marriage is far more important, and not worth losing over something like this.