From True Mom Confessions:
How did this happen? My 14 yo DD is pregnant by her 15yo ‘boyfriend’. We did everything right. Gave her a stable home, took her to church every week. Prayed, fasted, gave to the Lord. We raised her with strong morals and to believe that sex outside a blessed marriage was a sin before God. We stressed and stressed and stressed ABSTINENCE. I just don’t know what to do now.
My response, mostly free of snark and criticism towards those people who REALLY think that pushing the Abstinence Movement on teenagers is going to stop them from messing around:
I can tell you exactly what went wrong: you didn’t face the reality that is teenagers having sex, regardless of their parents’ wishes, and teach your daughter BIRTH CONTROL.
There is nothing wrong with teaching, encouraging and stressing the importance of abstinence. But at the same time, you should also educate, provide the facts on and access to birth control. You need to be realistic about teens experimenting with sexual activities, rather than bury your head in the sand and pray (no pun intended) that your feelings and teachings about abstinence will be enough. Because as you have found out, it is not enough.
Best of luck to you, and especially to your daughter and the baby-to-be.
I plan on taking a realistic approach with both Alyssa and Ryan. I’m going to encourage them both to consider abstinence, especially if they are not in serious relationships. But I’m not going to preach about the religious aspect of sex before marriage, nor am I going to consider for a single second that my kids aren’t going to be doing things with the other (or possibly same) sex!
So, the approach is going to be the realistic one, AKA Alyssa/Ryan, it’s a smart idea to not take sex lightly and just do anything with anyone that comes along, but if you are going to do something, you can protect yourself with A, B and C, and you should know about D, E and F, and you should never X, Y and Z.
You guys have no idea how hard it was to not throw out a huge “I told you so!” in response to that confession. You should be impressed at my restraint. I know I am. 
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11 Comments
, on December 12 2008 at 5:04am:
Exactly! LOL at you managing (impressively!) not to say “I told you so!”! I don’t know if I’d have had as much self control. 
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, on December 12 2008 at 5:35am:
my mom was very open about sex (not in the omg do it or omg don’t do it way!); any questions we had were answered in age appropriate language. birth control and such was explained. it made things A LOT easier on me. i never went to her for sex advice, etc, but when it was time to do it, i felt more comfortable and knowledgeable about protection. i’m definitely going to be the same way with my kids.
as for that mom, i completely agree with you; she needs to get her head out of the sand! good for you for telling her like it is, maybe other parents will learn from that!
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, on December 12 2008 at 9:04am:
well said! i really can’t stand when people say they are teaching nothing but abstinance to their children… in this day and age??
my parents are very closed minded when it comes to sex.. well i think my mom more so than my dad.. my dad just stays quiet because my mom will have a fit if he has something to say contrary to how she feels. but even SHE taught us (me and my brother) about birth control! though she also taught us how it was not affective because my brother was concieved even though she was on birth control and using a condom at the time.. but still thanks to her education neither of us have had any teen pregnancy drama.
, on December 12 2008 at 11:18am:
Despite coming from a very conservative Christian family, my Dad took the.. if-I-don’t-acknowledge-it-it-isn’t-happening approach. Granted, I’d imagine it’s extremely difficult being a single father of not one, but two teenaged girls and I appreciate everything he did for us very much. However, he simply chose not to talk about it. Fortunately, I was mature enough to realize the importance of protection when I did start having sex (which, in hindsight, was WAY too early). It’s unfortunate how many others don’t make such decisions.
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, on December 12 2008 at 1:53pm:
You know… my parents never talked to me about sex PERIOD. They never preached abstinence or anything, and I turned out fine. I made my own decisions and dealt with my own mistakes, and I’ve never been pregnant. I guess it honestly has to do with a lot of factors but teaching abstinence only? BAD IDEA. Hope you like grandchildren at 45 (not always the case, but it seems to be a rising trend with parents who only teach abstinence).
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, on December 12 2008 at 2:19pm:
I agree with you, Jenn. Wesley’s parents always preach the “no sex before marriage” speech to him, but did he listen? Obviously not. He’s already had sex with two people, myself included. With the girl he had sex with before me, he didn’t use a condom. She thought she was pregnant, but fortunately, she wasn’t. I think he learned his lesson after that scare, but fortunately when he met me, my mom had me put on the pill.
, on December 12 2008 at 3:33pm:
My Dad never talked about sex to me. My Mother on the other hand encouraged that I have sex at an early age. Crazy much? I think because of that and just from generally knowing about sex through the internet I made my own decision to wait.
My sister came to me the other day about her period or something and how her friends were like, “Cherry, get on the pill!”. I’m lucky that my sister is as smart as I am because she not only knows what the pills main intention is, the second intention, and the side effects of it. She also clearly stated to them and to me, “No. I will not be having sex until I find the right guy. ” And somehow I think some girls are just born smart.
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, on December 12 2008 at 5:42pm:
My mom talked me about sex once got a boyfriend. I was 15 and i insisted I was NOT going to have sex but she put me on the pill anyways (she had my sister @ 17). I didn’t have sex with him but I did with my next boyfriend about 8 months later so I’m always grateful that she taught me early on about it.
, on December 12 2008 at 8:18pm:
It’s sad that a lot of schools use the abstinence only approach, as well. I’m a Christian and I know sex out of marriage is a sin based on my religion, however I also know that if kids want to have sex before marriage, they’re going to. Hell, I did!
It’s silly to not give kids the information they need about safe sex and then cry about them getting pregnant, getting STDs, etc. No one to blame but themselves.
, on December 12 2008 at 11:52am:
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
Two of the girls that I used to be childhood friends with, and still am, friends with both got pregnant when they were seventeen. I know that their parents are of the hardcore Christian variety, and I know that at least one of them “denied that it’d ever happen to [my girl]” up until the point where she let everyone know she was pregnant, but… meh.
As the domain name suggests, my name is Jenn, and I own this blog. I'm 26 years old and married to my one true ♥, Daniel. And while I have two kids (Alyssa is five, and Ryan is three), you won't find "mommy" in my username or email address, nor does my blog revolve around them. I'm a mother, but most importantly I am me, with a passion for love, blogging, reading, and photography. I'm also a busy freelance writer, web designer & SEO goddess, and a blogger relations person for an adult toy company.
When I was growing up, my parents always told me to wait for sex. And my dad’s huge on ‘no sex before marriage’ and something about how ‘they won’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for free’ and other great things like that. But my mom at least always was upfront about how I should stay safe and make sure that I get tested and stuff like that. Which I’m grateful for.
To the person that you quoted, I wonder where they live and what kind of sex ed the schools provide. Because even if the parents failed at sex ed, did the schools fail to teach it as well?
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