It’s taken me a few days (obviously), but I have finally decided upon what my resolution for 2009 is going to be. It’s quite simple, really. I want to have more time for myself. I give so much of my time, my energy, my love, my nurturing, my EVERYTHING, to my family, to Dan, Alyssa, Ryan, to my mother, my brothers, what’s going on with CPS, my grandfather, to my work, that I feel like there is nothing left for me. Most days I can’t even take a shower or go to the bathroom without an audience — Alyssa, Ryan, the dog, sometimes even Dan — and it’s ridiculous. What I’d give to wipe my ass without bystanders.
Last week, on Tuesday afternoon, I felt like crying, because there was so much to do between then and Wednesday morning, when I’d kick off the rat-race that would be running to see my brothers, run errands, take my mom home, take my sisters-in-law home, clean up, have New Year’s Eve with Danielle, Matt and Jason, and then crashing sometime late, that I knew there would be no time for me.
Yesterday, I almost had that time. Almost. And then I realized my PayPal card was missing. And the two or so hours between Danielle and Matt leaving and when the kids would be up from their naps was spent ripping the house apart, looking for a card that I didn’t even lose. And when those two hours were up and the card wasn’t found, and my shot at some time for me, the personal time that everyone else, Dan included, seems to be able to take for themselves, was gone, I wanted to cry. And I did. And I tried to explain it to Dan but it just got tangled up with my frustration and anger about the (once again) misplaced PayPal card. So then he got angry with me, and I just gave up.
Day in, day out, it’s all about everyone else and everything else but me. At least, for the past few months it has really seemed that way. I take care of Alyssa, Ryan, Daniel, the cats, the dog, the house, my mother and her various issues, my brothers in any possible way that I can, my grandfather, and of course, work. Work, work, work. Not that I’m begrudging it. I need the work. I WANT the work. But it’s more time taken up doing everything but what I want to do.
So there you have it, my New Year’s resolution: time for ME. I don’t know how much time, how I’ll get it, when I’ll have it and what I’ll do during it, but dammit, one way or another I’m going to have it.
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16 Comments
, on January 05 2009 at 12:52am:
Thanks so much for not even bothering to offer any additional help with the kids, and instead jump right to suggesting I cut off my mother, which is something you know I won’t do, because it would mean cutting off my brothers, which is something that I WON’T do to them, not right now, when things are so uncertain/up in the air.
, on January 05 2009 at 1:10am:
*hugs* You need to make a “date with yourself”. That’s what I had to do when I started feeling like you do. Start small, just a 15 minute drive away from the house and the noise and the kids can help. Work up to a manicure or pedicure. Hell, I actually ENJOY going to get my eyebrows done two blocks from the house because it’s time that I get to myself.
I think the first, hardest step is to make that date, a specific time, and stick to it. Once you do it once, you’ll start to realize how good it feels and will make an effort to do it more.
Anna´s last blog entry: We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.
, on January 05 2009 at 2:22am:
I know you don’t want to cut out your mom but maybe there are ways you can set more boundaries toward her to help you feel less stress. Requesting she text instead of call or something might make a big difference in just feeling like you have more boundaries.
I know it sounds strange, but maybe scheduling time for yourself where Dan takes care of things might work. You’re a mom though and that’s not usually an option with work and his hours. I really don’t know how you parents do it honestly. I am SO in need of me time and I don’t even have real obligations.
Get a cheap babysitter and take a bubble bath?
(fair warning: I’m commenting intoxicated)
Sara´s last blog entry: Intoxication
, on January 05 2009 at 3:09am:
maybe you could set aside a day (or maybe even an evening/afternoon) as ‘me time’ where you can do something for yourself?
L.´s last blog entry: oshougatsu~
, on January 05 2009 at 8:57am:
Do you have a YMCA? Or the equivalent?
We just went on a tour of ours – and we’re joining. The gym has a play center for kidlets to play while you work out or swim in the pool or whatever. I know you were concerned about your weight loss thing getting offtrack – so this would be 2 birds with 1 stone 
You get out to a public area where you can socialize while working out, the kids are taken care of so its just you for you to focus on
Cecilia´s last blog entry: Giving in..
, on January 05 2009 at 9:38am:
I know how you feel. There just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.
Manda´s last blog entry: Doggie Dash? What The . . .
, on January 05 2009 at 1:25pm:
I think that sounds like a good (and needed) resolution. I really hope you get the time you need.
, on January 05 2009 at 3:37pm:
Good for you Jenn. I really hope that you succeed with this resolution. You really deserve it. I read your blog daily and you always seem to be talking about other people. Whether it be the kids, Dan, your extended family or friends, it’s always about them. Which is good to see… sometimes. I can see that you are a very loving and loyal person, which are great attributes to have, but sometimes you just need to be a little selfish and take some time for yourself. Good luck w/ the resolution. I know you’ll succeed.
Ashleigh´s last blog entry: Another Year Over
, on January 05 2009 at 5:20pm:
I really try to give you that time to sleep in and have some time to yourself, but it always ends up backfiring on me because you get up and start bitching about what a horrible job I do at it.
, on January 05 2009 at 5:38pm:
Best resolution ever. Definitely well deserved, too. People don’t realize how very important time to themselves really is. I hope you are able to get more.
Caity´s last blog entry: First day back.
, on January 06 2009 at 12:06pm:
that’s a great resolution jenn. satisfied: i hope you really stick w/ it because you deserve time to yourself!
it sounds as if you run yourself ragged. be careful ..you need to take care of yourself or you won’t be there for that audience, waiting for you to wipe your ass. 
keep your resolution up! you really do deserve it!
, on January 06 2009 at 2:25pm:
A great resolution Jenn, it’s something that I want to do for myself (yeah, I know.. I don’t have kids so I don’t need it quite as much as you do), but I’m fed up doing everything for everyone else and leaving me til last. It’s time I had more Mel time rather than working, sorting out other peoples problems, running after my mother.. whatever.
Good luck with having some more well deserved Jenn time!
Melissa´s last blog entry: End of the year review 2008
, on January 08 2009 at 12:30pm:
Blogging (on multiple blogs, no less!)
30 Secrets in 30 days
365
Updating Twitter
Updating Facebook Status
Maintaining multiple message boards
These are all things I am willing to wager you spend at least 1 collective hour per day doing, and they are all “me time” things.
1 hour of “me time” per day is a helluva lot more than a lot of people get. Stop whining.
, on January 08 2009 at 9:31pm:
You really think I do all of those things in one day? I wish I had time for that! I may blog daily, but I usually only have time for jenn.nu. The other blogs are in spurts. Facebook is updated automatically when Twitter is updated (I send my updates via Ping.fm), and as my board members can tell you, message board maintenance is done maybe 1-2 times per month, a little more if I’m able to.
So, that said, I’ll whine all I want. 
As the domain name suggests, my name is Jenn, and I own this blog. I'm 26 years old and married to my one true ♥, Daniel. And while I have two kids (Alyssa is five, and Ryan is three), you won't find "mommy" in my username or email address, nor does my blog revolve around them. I'm a mother, but most importantly I am me, with a passion for love, blogging, reading, and photography. I'm also a busy freelance writer, web designer & SEO goddess.
Honestly, this sounds a lot like what my brother goes through, so I’m going to give you the same advice. The first step is to cut the things in your life that take up your time but mean the least to you. Then you focus more on the things that truly matter to you without having to stretch yourself too thin.
In my brother’s case, I told him that he should cut out some of the extra side jobs he does and the extra gatherings/parties and such that he spent so much time on. For you, I’m sure it won’t take long to think of what you could cut out.