Life is kicking my ass, and I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally. I have never been one to succumb to depression; nothing more than a mopey day or a few hours of feeling blue has gotten its claws into me. But right now… I don’t know. I know that the winter months can be a huge downer for many people, and I think that combined with various things going on in my life right now have gotten the best of me. I just feel so down, so listless. I really do feel like I’m going through the motions, without really enjoying anything. Sure, there are some highs here and there, but overall, if I had to rate my general happiness on a scale of one to ten, I’m thinking it would rank around a 3 or a 4.
The worst part is that when I finally broke down to Daniel last week, after months of him accusing me of not caring (because I never let on) about various issues (my mother, Ryan, a few other things going on), he wasn’t really understanding. Instead, the attitude I got from him was basically to get over it and stop wallowing and crying.
I think the worst part in all of this is that in a lot of ways I don’t even care. I don’t care that I’m not enjoying my camera and taking and sharing photos as much as I used to. I don’t care that I’ve shut down and away from a lot of activities that I enjoy. I don’t care that I’m twittering more (sometimes) and blogging less). And not caring is scaring the shit out of me.
The only thing I am consistent and upbeat and on the ball with is being a mother and a wife. But even then, to a certain extent, it’s just about going through the motions. The intense emotions behind it are definitely dulled.
Ugh. I have really got to kick this shit to the curb. I want the old me back.
I know exactly what you’re going through Jenn. I suffer from the Winter blues a lot. I hasn’t been diagnosed, but I suffer from depression. It’s no brainier, seeing as it runs in the family, and after doing research, I fit all of the symptoms. It always seems to hit me harder during the Winter months.
The best thing you can do, from my experience is to talk to someone. Whether it’s a friend, or someone who’s close to you. And, just try to keep yourself busy, and get your mind off of the sad thoughts. This is what I try to do, and it helps.
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I’ve been there, many times. I’m there now. Things will start to look up. You have a great set of kids and a hubby that loves you. Men just don’t understand women. Anyways, praying for ya. Hugs.
I’ve been there as well. I usually call it my “I don’t give a f**k” mode. It sucks, but I eventually come out of it. Maybe you should try talking to those who would be a little more supportive than Dan…like another female for example. Sometimes, men just don’t understand women’s emotions!
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I, too, have been to this place that you’re at right now, and it was only very recently. I also realised I didn’t care about much, and it upset me that I didn’t. I’m starting to find my feet again, and I know you will too. Your hubby and kids love you and you’ve really got something going there in having them there for you.
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I could have written this myself. I too have wondered what has gotten into me lately. I haven’t felt like doing anything. The things I used to be interested in don’t make me happy. It sucks. I just know I want this to go away. I miss my old self.
I’ve been there before too. It was especially bad for me when my husband and I lived in our small apartment with no outside space except for a tiny balcony. I can remember being cooped up in the winter and crying when my husband left for work (he works long hours). I was so bored, lonely and confined that I actually counted the hours until I had to go back to work on Monday morning (who does that?). It’s gotten a LOT better now that we moved into our house. But I know how you feel.
I wouldn’t say you’re suffering from depression, per se (as far as diagnostic criteria goes, but I’m no Doctor), but you’re definitely going through “the heavy blues” (as my psych calls it), and with everything that’s gone on in your life lately… Hell, who can blame you?
There’s no shame in seeking out therapy, if you feel you need someone to talk to who has a neutral approach to your situation – just let it all out to someone who won’t judge you or accuse you. I would recommend it, what with your mother, well.. being your mother, Dan being an ass occasionally (then again, all men are asses on a regular basis), your brothers’ situation and the general stress of working hard and being a mother… there’s no shame in perhaps getting on a mild anti-depressant, either, or getting a prescription for mild sedatives (I say mild because that shit can mess with your head really badly even at average doses and can cause addiction *very* fast), if that’s what’ll keep you going. They might help with bringing sunshine back in your life, as well.
You’ve mentioned it’s been snowing a lot – perhaps it’s seasonal depression? I think there’s a “fancier” name for that as well, but I can’t remember it in English. Either way, if you do feel you’re losing touch with your emotions (do you cry often enough? You wouldn’t believe the effect crying has on your overall mood, over a long period of time!) and you feel you just don’t… FEEL as much as you used to, I would, if I were you, at least see a Doctor. They’re trained to do the diagnostic tests and, if necessary, direct you to someone who can help. *nod*
And if you need to talk to someone, drop me an e-mail. *nod*
I’ve dealt with depression before and I know it seems like it won’t get any better, but it will. Some people come out of it on their own, others need medication. I’ve done both. And as for Dan, well people who have never been depressed just do not understand. But there are people who do understand and it helps to talk to them.
I would suggest going to the doctor. There can be physical reasons for depression. At any rate, I hope you feel better soon. ((hugs))
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Like you said, the winter months are known to have this effect on people. Just hang in there; brighter times are ahead!
Have you looked into Seasonal Depression??? It is VERY common. I know how it feels to stop being yourself and it’s a serious battle. Hang in there, do what you need to do to feel better!
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/seasonal_depression_sad/article_em.htm
I totally understand how you feel. You have been though a lot. If you ever wanna vent, I am just a phone call away.
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