I have a love/hate relationship with parks and playgrounds. I love taking the kids, since they get the opportunity to get outside, play, run around and interact with other kids (Alyssa always claims them for herself: “Mommy, look, there are my kids!”). But I hate it because I often feel as though I’m being judged by some of the other mothers that are there. Judged because I’m a bit younger than them, judged because Ryan, sadly, looks a bit spastic and lost, judged because I’m fat, judged because I don’t helicopter parent my kids.
I had Alyssa when I was 20, and Ryan when I was 22… will the age thing ever diminish? I know that I’ll always be “just” two decades older than Alyssa and a little more than that with Ryan, but I hope I can shake the stigma of being a younger mother at some point. Although I sometimes wonder if it’s self-imposed. No one has ever said anything to me, but I always feel as though I am sometimes judged, especially if people know my age (Alyssa’s and Ryan’s doctor, for example), or get a good look at my face and realize that despite being overweight, I am not the average “Mom” age. I can only imagine that if there is any real judgment going on, it’ll only get worse as the other moms start showing their age and I’m still looking young. ;)
Ryan is doing a lot better in public. A year ago he’d be all over the place, running in random directions with no sense of purpose. Now he isn’t exactly playing with other kids (though he will occasionally go up to other people, and on his last day of preschool he was “helping” other kids down the slide by pushing them down), but he is playing with the playground equipment, and staying in the general playground area. We can call his name and tell him to come back if he happens to be straying too far, and nine times out of ten he will. But he still enjoys carrying things with him: his chewy tube, his Care Bear, a random DVD, etc.
The fat thing I’m working on. It’s going to be a slow process, but I’ll get there one of these days. Today I was one pound lighter than yesterday, bringing my total weight loss to 20 lbs. I have a long way to go until I reach onederland, but one of these days, it’s going to happen! For those of you that have asked what I’m doing, the answer is nothing special! I’m limiting myself to 2000 calories per day and 60 grams of fat per day, and I’m trying very hard to adhere to the serving recommendations listed on those foods that I can eat. I have been creative with low-fat recipes (I’ve found that the fat grams really rule out a lot of potential food choices, a lot more so than the calories!), and if I’ve been absolutely dying for something that’s a no-no, I “cheat” and take an Alli pill in order to have it. I think depriving myself completely of something would send me off the deep end, and you’d hear about me on the news, robbing all of the Dunkin’ Donuts and chocolate chip cookie manufacturers.
Thank you guys so much for the compliments and words of encouragement! I haven’t had the time to respond to everyone personally, so I’ll just say it here: your comments mean so much to me. They’re very encouraging and uplifting. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I’m still 20 lbs. closer to my goal, which means a lot!
I don’t think I could ever do the helicopter parent thing. I would go absolutely insane if I devoted myself to my kids 24/7, 365. Don’t get me wrong — they are very important, and I go above and beyond to be a good mother to them. But there is a big difference between meeting a child’s needs, being their mentor, teaching them things and creating wonderful experiences for them and smothering them and never letting them do things on their own. I remember my grandmother and mother saying that they are not hired entertainers, and it’s really stuck with me. I play with my kids, but do I do so every single day, hour after hour? Of course not. Alyssa and Ryan play with each other and on their own. And when we hit up the playground I’ll push them on the swings, encourage them to go down the slide or climb up the spiral pole, but I’m not going to be right there with them holding their hand, hovering over them in case they fall or leading them through one activity after another. That’s why they have imaginations, each other and the other kids that are at the playground!
When we are at the playground, if Alyssa and Ryan don’t need me to push them on the swings or help them with something, I usually flip through a magazine, catch up on Twitter or truemomconfessions.com on my phone, or run around with my camera and take pictures of random stuff.
Luckily for Alyssa and Ryan, I don’t let my insecurities or hesitations about the other moms at the playground stop me from taking them. We go, and I’ll even wave to the other moms and say hello, and smile at their kids. If they don’t do the same in return? Eh, screw ‘em.
I can understand where you’re coming from on the age thing in a way, only I’m going through it on the opposite end of the spectrum. I look at the fact that almost all of my friends had kids between 20-25, and here I’m the one who’ll be popping out my first at 28. I have people asking my why we “waited so long”, and it makes me feel like I’m going to be the old mom in kindergarten trying to fit in with all the young moms who have plenty of energy to run around after their kids.
As for the helicoptering, I’m so glad you’re not one of those moms. I grew up with a very overprotective mom who sheltered us in every way possible and stayed on top of us 24/7 in case god forbid we tripped over a rock or some stranger walked 2″ too close to us. I vowed to never be like that because I know how much I missed out on.
Totally agree on the age thing… I was 17 and 20 when my babies were born. I’m 22 years old and have a 4 year old.. I can always feel people mentally calculating in their heads when I tell them my babies age. It sucks, but what can I do about it? I know I’m a great mom even despite my young age. My husband is 5 years older than me so he’s lucky enough not too get the weird looks.
I honestly don’t think 20 years old is too young to have a baby. I know lots of people from high school who have already had children (I’m only 21), so you are definitely not alone. My mom and all of my aunts also had their first child when they were around 20 years old.
I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you! You will be the envy of all the old moms!
Oh lord where to start lol! When it comes to the park situation I honestly have an issue with it because I can’t stand most children. The disrespect, language, rudeness, etc drives me INSANE. Even more so while pregnant. I rotate through 5 parks on a regular basis and generally that’s due to these kiddie parks being filled with teenagers writing filthy things on the equipment or talking inappropriately around young children, or young children threatening to beat each other or choke each other with belts, and how they want to kill one another. I actually do speak up, loudly, to the children in ear shot that we are leaving BECAUSE of x, y, and z behaviors shown. (Hope I am making sense heh).
When it comes to the age thing, try having the first while pregnant at 19 and the second at 27. When I was preggers with my son Daniel, all I got was shocked looks, disrespect from medical personnel, this time around I don’t get the shocked looks or quite the disrespect (only when I bring up my more ah natural views heh). It’s bizarre.
Oh and I tend to let Danny frolick on the slides alone and such while I take photos too, he loves it too “Mommy take a picture of THIS” while doing some daredevil move lol.
I also know where you are coming from on various levels. I am now 28 and my daughter will be 11 next month. When I was pregnant I got judged by people who not only knew my situation but those who actually did know as well. Yes, I was 16 when I got pregnant and 17 when I gave birth but before I even knew I was pregnant I was already planning my wedding. Not only that but, I am now also plus sized, tattooed, pierced & and raising my daughter by myself. So I constantly get stared at and hear rude comments about my supposed lack of parenting skills.
But, you know what? My daughter is a well behaved (except for the PMS that is starting *sigh*), well adjusted, happy kid that is excelling in school and with all of her extra curricular activities.
Just be confident in who you are and that your a good parent and trust me you will be much happier than the people passing judgments.
I don’t think 20 is too young to have kids at all… I mean, why not? I’m terrified at the thought of having kids after I’m 25 or so. Maybe I take it to the opposite extreme because my mother is 35 years older than me and I certainly know how much a child can suffer from having older parents.
Nowadays people have kids way later, but in my opinion, 20 is a perfectly fine age to have children. Screw anyone who judges you. Nobody should judge another person just by looking at them. It’s pretty damn shallow. Anyone who actually knew you would realize what a wonderful person and mom you are.
I don’t think 20 is a young mom, to be honest. It seems a very normal age to me. Ill be the oldest first-time mom in my family as far back as I know at 25! I look young for my age, and with my little brother being 10, and bf having a 6 y/o? I get a lot of ‘You mustve been a baby when you had him!’ And judgemental, ‘how old are your boys?’ Inquiries. But oh well
like I wouldn’t take a second glance if I saw a girl who looked 15 being chased with a call of ‘mommy!’?
And much kudos on the weight progress. Stay strong! 20 pounds is a stumbling block for many. I wish you continued success
I feel the same way anywhere I go where parents are going to be with their kids. I think I have this weird social anxiety thing where I truly believe people are watching every step I make and just judging me. It doesn’t help that I smoke either. I’ve noticed that every time I’m in public with my stepdaughter, if I decide to have a cigarette, I’ll subconsciously hide it down by my legs and blow the smoke waaay behind me somewhere. I still feel people staring at me thinking, “I can’t believe she has the audacity to light up that cancer stick near a CHILD! That poor kid is going to die from second hand smoke by the time she’s 8!”
And congrats on your weight loss! I’m currently 19 lbs into my 80 lb goal and it’s rough. I know some day all this work will be worth it though.
I’ve always wondered what people thought of young mothers. However, I know of a lot of young mothers.
I have the opposite issue. I’m 27 and have no plans to have any children in the immediate future. My family and friends are always asking when my husband and I are planning to start our family.
My parents were older when they had kids too. As a kid, I can remember telling my friends how old my parents were and then their shocked reaction. My parents are old enough that my brother and I could actually be their grandkids. Talk about awkward!
I totally get the young mom thing. I come from a long line of young moms. My mom had me at 20, and even though she would wear her Air Force uniform to the grocery store after work, she would still get blessed out by little old ladies for getting pregnant in high school. Though the uniform should have been proof that she was at least 18 to be old enough to be in the military. O_o;; Now I’m repeating the pattern at 21. I’m about to be a first time mom, and my pregnant belly is already getting me some of those looks – I’m sure you know which ones I’m talking about. Though my husband being in the Marine Corps helps – there are a lot of younger wives and moms due to the lifestyle we’ve chosen. The military always causes those big steps to come a lot faster for fear you won’t get to experience them at all otherwise. But as for all of the civilian moms out there who are older and glare at me, I just walk proud. Because being a young mom allows you to do so much more for so much longer with your children and even their children. My mother is only 42 and therefore will still be able to take my child places and play with him/her on the playground if she so desires. And to me dirty looks are a small price to pay for all of those memories. : )
You are a strong woman, Jenn. People who are so judgmental don’t deserve your time or worries.
We all have our insecurities I think and I would say I am not exactly on the opposite spectrum of this situation, not yet…but I do worry sometimes because I am 24 and many of my friends are married and babies but then, I live in a different world, in India. I thought people in the US were very cool about this age thing, for me being too young and too old were for marriage/kids were Indian concepts but I guess not.
I don’t think you should let others judge you Jenn. I think you are a wonderful mom and your kids are lucky to have such a cool mom! Trust me, there are girls who will be jealous of you for finding your love, being married and having two beautiful kids. Just enjoy these days as they will never come back… forget what others think.
Hey congrats once again for reaching that 20lbs weight loss mark. Take more pictures of your weight loss progress, you will someday look at them and feel wonderfully proud!
Aww
I dunno where my long comment went, I hope its in moderation coz I took so long to write it..lol! If not, just relax Jenn! Your kids are lucky to have a cool mom who has a life of her own. And forget what others think!
I wish I’d see moms around here waiting until they are in their 20′s and actually having a mate with them to have kids. It’s more like teen pregnancy central and then you see the rash of grandmother’s taking the kids around. We have so many in our daisy scout troop that said they were not planning on raising their grandchildren, but they are. So honestly, I think you are ahead of the game here. You’re young enough to still do all that stuff with them and you took the responsibility on and you are all about your family!
And as for the whole other moms thing? Eh, screw em! I’m afraid of the public pool because I’m fat and you’re my hero for taking it on full force!
Losing 20 pounds is nothing to sneeze at. I’m proud of you and know first-hand that it’s not easy at all. I think that you’re doing great in not depriving yourself too much too, that’s one thing that can kill any weight-loss regime because it’s so much easier to get depressed and discouraged. I have to say that I can totally relate to feeling judged for weight too, and just blogged about something that’s going to (to me) point out how overweight I am tomorrow. I guess it’s important to remember that the people who are doing the judging are the people who don’t really matter, and the ones who matter are the ones who aren’t judging you. Ya know, I never really thought about you being young to be a mother. Maybe it’s a regional thing, but here you’d be average age. The helicopter parenting though… drives me crazy. I think you’re on track there as well, watching over them and being there for them but not leading every step they take and making every decision for them. That’s how I was raised, and it definitely is smothering like you said. Ya gotta give children room so they can be themselves!
I saw your comment on Sarah’s (from alittlelessordinary.com) website and thought I’d stop by
I’m not a mom, but I really don’t think 20-years-old is too young to have children. You were also in a relationship, so really, it shouldn’t be anyone else’s business. All that matter is that you’re a good mommy.
About the weight, I actually lost over 100 pounds myself a couple years ago doing the same thing you are doing – “nothing special.” lol
I ate around 2000 calories (and still do most days!), and I didn’t deprive myself. I also enjoy working out, which I never did before, and I try to get to the gym (or the track or wherever!) at least five days a week. I think it’s more of an emotional thing now, because I’d go nuts without my workouts!
Anyway! You will do it, and you will get to 1derland, and you’ll be so proud of yourself! You should be proud of yourself with what you’ve already lost, and even though YOU can’t see it so much, 20 pounds is a BIG DEAL!! If you were to gain it back, I’m sure you’d notice
So be proud!!
By the way, if you want support/meal & snack ideas/etc., you should check out sparkpeople.com! It’s a pretty addicting weight loss site, and it’s free. You can even make a page similar to MySpace and post pix of your progress
I never thought about you in that respect, because age doesn’t really define how good of a parent you can be. However, I know people do judge, but just think, you’ll always be looking younger than them, and will probably more energy to keep up with your kids for longer than they will! Congrats again on the weight loss…I cannot wait to be able to say I’ve lost 20 lbs, and I can notice your loss in your photos.
Don’t worry about it. You have a beautiful family and that is all that matters.
20 and 22? That’s young?
I’m 25 now and my boys are 8 and 9 (I was 16 when I had them both) and I can tell you that at this point no one thinks about my age at all. It’s harder finding people closer to my age to connect with, but they don’t really care how old I am or how old I was.
Maybe it’s a vibe you’re giving off. I’m curious.. you don’t really seem to care what people think so why care about this?
I was 21 when I had Allan. People don’t really care, although some people ask if he’s my little brother sometimes. I don’t let it bother me and you shouldn’t either. And if they wanna be gay about it kick ‘em in teh balls. ;)
I think no matter what, ALL Mothers feel like they’re being judged – just not all of them will admit it ;) I’ve only been a Mom for five weeks, but I can’t believe how many times I feel like I’m being sized up by other Mom’s that I meet. It sucks, but it just seems to be that Mom’s feel like they have to compare their babies and their parenting methods with everyone elses to make themselves feel more confident with what they’re doing.
I’ve been a closeted reader for many years and you seem like an amazing Mom. Ignore the looks from other Mom’s in the playground – maybe they’re just envious of your parenting style and wishing they could do the same.