I’d like to think that what I said to my grandfather last night (well, early this morning, since it was around 3am), and whatever my mom said to him after I left, helped him to settle down. When I talked to my mom this morning, she told me that ever since I left he’s been sleeping better and is much more restful, and not nearly as agitated and restless as he was before.
Right now I’m at the hospice center with my mom and my grandfather. I’m going to be spending the night, and tomorrow night if my grandfather is still with us. Hurry up and wait is a good way to describe my routine these past six days. Hurry to the hospital/hospice center, and wait. The wait is agonizing. I must admit that this morning I was hoping to get “the call”. Oh well. I’m here now, and according to the nurses, it shouldn’t be too much longer. He is no longer eating or drinking, and all output has stopped as well. He is sleeping heavily, breathing through his mouth, and his extremities are cool to the touch. Another day at most…
I’m going to do my best to pass the time by being productive. I have some blogging to do, and a bunch of new projects to tackle. Unfortunately the bills and expenses don’t stop just because somebody is dying — as evidenced from me scraping together dollar bills and coins tonight for gas money (five bucks in quarters and dimes — the gas station clerk is going to LOVE me!). I haven’t turned in any work since Tuesday, and that money went to bills and a full gas tank which I ran out in less than 48 hours. I do have a work invoice submitted, but it hasn’t been paid yet. *sigh*
Death is inevitable, and time consuming in the sense of dying. Some die in their sleep and may never know it and others pass within family. “The call” will come soon, I know all you can do is wait, but most importanly remember your Grandfather and keep him in your heart always. Once he reaches Heaven he will be very happy. I send you and your family my deepest sympathy and many prayers. God bless all of you always! Love Lives Forever!
I just read through all of your entries from the past week and I want to say how sorry I am and that I send my condolences. I’ve never lost anyone really close to me but my grandparents are getting older and truthfully, I am terrified to have to eventually go through what you are now. But I think you are a shining example of the resiliency of the human heart and spirit – that even in sadness we are capable of pulling through and being there for each other. And I think it’s amazing how you support your family and seem to be the rock holding everyone in place in times like these and in the normal day to day life. I think that’s what draws me to your site – the fact that you are strong and supportive and even on your worst days, you sort of suck it up and shrug it off and move on. And you are profoundly honest about it as well and I truly admire it.
No one likes to hear the cliches about death and sometimes it’s ok to be selfish and want the person to stay. But you are not responsible and you should not feel guilty. For some people, it is just their time and you are doing exactly what you were meant to do – being there to say goodbye and keep vigil and remind your grandfather that he was loved dearly and that he had an impact on your lives.
I know you will get through this. It’s hard, as life is but you are strong and you are a good person.
Again, I’m sorry for everything and if there’s anything you need, I’d be glad to be a shoulder to cry on!
I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandfather. I went through a similar situation last year when my Grandma died of lung cancer. It’s so hard to watch a loved one reach that point, where they are in so much pain that you pray for them to pass. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Having been through this process with my mom dying four years ago, I know how horrible as well as bittersweet this time is, waiting for someone to die and knowing that it’s probably not going to happen now, but it’ll happen soon, and the wait is just… excruciating. You both dread it and wish for it, because a loved one is dying so obviously it’s a scary, sad thing, but on the other hand, the pain will be over and you can move on once they’re gone, and they move on from the pain and the hospital/hospice environment to a better place.
Now you’re stuck in that situation, both you and your grandfather, but as weird as it sounds – make the best of this time. You don’t want to be left with any regrets. Trust me. I didn’t visit my mother nearly as often as I “should” have and not a day goes by when I don’t regret that. My father and sisters visited daily, stayed the whole day, I could only manage an hour every three days or so, because I couldn’t be there to watch my mother die, but in hindsight, I wish I had been there instead of listening to all the false hope coming from my family and believing it. So make the best of this time. *nod*
My condolences to you and your family. You’re in my thoughts.
I am glad that your grandfather calmed down a little bit after your talk. I bet it really helped him. It is great to know that people care. I think it’s great that you are making the effort to be there for him as much as you can. Hang in there, hun. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Death is such a hard thing to deal with, as I’m sure you’re well aware.