Death is one thing that technology can’t prevent. Delay, yes. Prevent altogether? Never.
It’s 4am, and I just got home. I would have been home a bit sooner, but I was overcome with such an overwhelming wave of emotion and choking sobs and blinding tears, that I had to pull over. The highway I was driving on was deserted, thank god, because I couldn’t see, and just blindly drifted over to the shoulder and flipped the hazards on and put the car in park until I could get control of myself.
Before I left the hospice center tonight, I asked my mom to step out of the room. Then I knelt down at my grandfather’s bedside (they have his bed about a foot off the ground, so in case he rolls out he won’t have far to fall and thus won’t get hurt), took his hand and poured my heart out to him. I told him how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. How much he meant to me. How much he will always mean to me. But that I am ready to let him go. I’m heartbroken and so incredibly in over my head in terms of grieving, but I understand that he wants to die and that I respect his choice, and that I am ready. As ready as I can be. And that I will take care of my mom. I told him how much I treasured having him as my grandfather, and how proud of him I was for doing so much for his family all of his life.
I was crying so hard, it was so hard to control my gasping and heaving breaths long enough to get the words out clearly and coherently. But he heard me. I know he heard me, which almost made it even worse. He opened his eyes to look at me, and kept saying my name. His voice was a whispered rasp, but he was definitely saying, “Jenn” over and over. And “Jennifer”. And “Okay”. And “I will”. And something that sounded like, “Don’t cry, Fierce*”.
Then — oh god this killed me — he reached up his hand and started stroking my cheek, and then reached for me so that he could hug me. Before now my grandfather hasn’t been too good with affection, always hugged awkwardly, never said “I love you” back (it was always “Okay” or “Thank you” or “Okay then”), so for him to be dying, one step closer to death every second, unable to really focus on anything or put together a sentence, somehow find the strength and concentration to try and comfort me, meant so much.
And now I’m falling apart all over again, remember how firmly he held my hand, how he tried to hug me. How his hand tightened when I stood up, even though I wasn’t leaving him, I just wanted to be able to lean over the railing on the side of his bed in order to hug him properly.
I also told him that I know he will be going to heaven, and when he gets there he’ll be with Grandmom and Chris (my uncle) again, and to tell them hi and kiss my grandmother for me. I told him I’ll never stop missing him, loving him, remembering him, and that I’m going to tell Alyssa and Ryan all about him. Ryan’s middle name is Edgar, which is my grandfather’s first name (Alyssa’s middle name is Marie, which was my grandmother’s middle name).
But most importantly, I kept telling him over and over that as much as it would hurt to not have him in my life, I was ready for him to go. That he should just relax, sleep, and let go. I’m ready, and I’m strong enough to handle my grief. I don’t want him to linger on my account, to continue to suffer because he feels that I’m not ready or able to handle his passing, so please, just relax, sleep, and let go…
*Fierce has been my nickname since toddlerhood.
There are no words in which I can express sympathy to you. I can only hope that your Grandfathers passing comes and goes as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Aww, Jenn I am so sorry. I am glad that you were able to pour your heart out, though. I bet it really helped you and I’m sure your grandfather appreciated it. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this.
I am so sorry. I just had to say goodbye to my brother in law who died very unexpectedly. I didn’t get a chance to tell him how I felt. Treasure the fact that you did. I know its hard but he’ll always be with you.
This almost made me cry.
I’m glad you were able to talk to him before he passed though.. I never got that chance with my grandfather.
Your post reminds me of losing my grandfather 3 years ago to lung cancer. The day before he died, we did a lot of hand holding, something he didn’t do much in the past. He wasn’t very affectionate either, so it was heartbreaking and comforting all at the same time. At least you will have last night’s memory, and he knows that he can go without guilt. *hugs*
*tear* Jenn I’m so sorry your having to go through all this. Your very strong, and your grandpa will be going to a better place soon. *hugs* Cherish those memories of your good-byes together, and all your happy memories together. *Hugs*Hugs*Hugs* Just think he got to meet his great grandchildren!
Jenn, I read this post last night and sat with a lump in my throat and on the verge of tears. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my Grandpa – in fact I didn’t even really know him that well but atleast you got to tell him exactly how you feel and I pray for you and your family during this time *hugs*
Okay, so that made me cry.. I wasn’t close to any of my grandparents.
This entry was heart breaking. I know this is rough for you but you’re handling it very well and I hope for all of you that your grandfather’s passing isn’t prolonged too much more so he can be at rest where he wants. *hugs*
Oh Jenn – I am sitting here in my grandfather’s house and reading your entry brought a flood of emotions back. When he passed away my grandma moved in with my mom and CJ and I got the house. Even though we’ve fixed up this place, there is just so much of my grandpa here.
He was ill with cancer and wound up in hospice in July 2005 – I went through exactly what you are going through. I was very close to my grandpa and it was so hard for me – so hard that I actually felt selfish for feeling sorry for myself – he was the one who was dying. I was 7 months pregnant with Dante and the time and so pregnancy hormones didn’t help with my emotions.
It’s not easy but you will get through it Then one day you’ll read a blog entry by someone who is going through what you went through and you’ll have a good cry ;) Thanks, I needed it
Love ad light to you and your family