This past week has been one of the longest weeks of my life, even though the days have definitely run together. If it weren’t for the calendar on my phone and computer, I would have no idea what today even is. One more day my grandfather is spending with us, one less until his death. Watching him decline with each passing day is agonizing.
Today has been a busy one so far. I was up early this morning and out the door by 8:30am, because my thirteen year old brother had his school graduation ceremony at 10:00am. He was one of the highest honor students, made the opening speech at the ceremony, and won seven different awards. I recorded parts of the ceremony on my little HP digital camera (so my mom could see it; she stayed here at the hospice center with my grandfather), and took photos with my Nikon. I’m so proud of him. And in awe of how big he is getting! He’s 5’8″ (two inches taller than me!), and he’s turning fourteen on July 1st. He’ll always be my baby brother, though it’s quite evident that I’m the one looking up to him!
I texted Dan a few times during the drive up, once during the ceremony and once or twice on the drive back. No answer. I think he’s peeved over a little exchange we had last night. Basically, I was feeling lonely and mopey, and I called him to ask if he would come up to the hospice center and spend some time with me. I assured him we didn’t have to stay in the small suite with my mother and grandfather, that we could go out into the large kitchen, or even into the huge living room (electronic fireplace! leather couches! sexy LCD television with cable! free wifi throughout the building!), but he was just not into it. Finally he was like, “I’m uncomfortable with death”. Really? Yeah, me too, and most of the world population. Death squicks me out, and I strongly feel that humans are programmed to have an aversion to death, to want to stay away from it.
Dan is uncomfortable with the idea of sharing the same building with people who are dying (and they’re all tucked away in their suites with the doors closed; the only people who are in the common areas are other family members and staff)? I’ve been sharing the same ROOM, the same OXYGEN with a dying man. For three nights in a row I’ve slept ten feet away from where my grandfather is dying, listening to his labored, erratic breathing, my own heart stuttering to a halt when there are too many seconds between breaths. I’ve gone to the bathroom about fifteen feet away from his bed, showered about seventeen feet away. I’ve sat right next to my grandfather, kneeled at his side, stroked his hair, held his hand, given him fluids with an oral syringe, wiped his mouth, rearranged his blankets. I have been very intimate with death for the past week.
So if I can do all that, I’d like to think that Dan could come into a BUILDING and spend some time with his distraught, grieving wife.
But I didn’t push the issue, because I know how Dan is. He’ll dig his heels in over the most trivial of subjects, because that’s just how he is. It’s so frustrating, but I know when to give up. He’s like one of those Chinese finger traps (FYI, with those little cheap paper ones? Pull hard enough and they’ll break. ;) ).
Honestly, I was disappointed last night and quite hurt, but I can’t say that I’m honestly surprised. I know him quite well by now. Besides, I’m the one who does more, gives more, feels more. Just more, period. A lot of people believe that in a relationship or a marriage, there is always going to be somebody that loves more, feels more, does more. I’m pretty sure that person is me. Time and again I have done so much for him… and yes, he loves me and will do a lot for me… but he has his limits. He came last week to take my brother home for me, and I had a feeling then that he was really going above and beyond for me. If it weren’t for the circumstances, he never would have done it. I could have been sick, tired, whatever, but it still would have been up to me to do it. Especially since it was MY brother, MY family, MY problem. Dan hates my brothers and my mother.
Things between Dan and I aren’t perfect. I’ve never lied about that, though perhaps I have lied by omission.
I never really told anyone how last July we got into a fight. I don’t remember what we argued about, but it was probably money, my family or his games, though my money is on my family or his games, as they are repeat stressors and tension-inducers. He stormed out to work, and didn’t come home that night. He left me. LEFT ME. For 2.5 days. Probably longer, if our friend Jason hadn’t intervened and coaxed Dan into coming home.
I have to tell you, those 2.5 days were high on the list of the worst 2.5 days of my life. Dan wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. His brothers, naturally, aligned their allegiance with Dan, and wouldn’t answer or respond to my texts, even when I sent one text just wanting a confirmation of Dan being there
I never went public with him leaving me for those 2.5 days before I was so embarrassed. Scratch that, I was mortified. Horrified. But mostly, I was ashamed. How crappy of a wife I must be to cause my husband to do that. It was so hard to suffer mostly in silence for those few days. Jason knew, of course, and I think I talked to one or two people online, and I may have blogged privately about it, but that was it.
Since then things have been mostly okay, except Dan has his sick little trump card to hold over me. On at least three separate occasions he has threatened to walk out again. The last time happened a few days ago, when I was at the house and checking our messages. I saw that my brother had called and I knew Dan was home at the time, so I asked him why he didn’t pick up. He said he didn’t pick up because my brother was not relevant to him. I replied that given the circumstances, he should have answered, even if it was just to tell my brother to call my cell phone. I then went on to say that if that’s how he wants to play it when the phone rings, perhaps I shouldn’t bother answering his work calls either, and let the answering machine get them, since his work has no relevance to me. He flipped out and said something along the lines of, “Is that how you’re going to be? Maybe I should just leave right now.”
As a child I was unfortunate enough to overhear some of the fights my mom had with her second husband (NEVER will I refer to that man as my stepfather), and a few of them involved him threatening to leave her. My mom would cry and scream and drop to her knees and beg him not to go. It made me sick, and it scared me. Her tears and anguish scared me more than her anger. The worst was when he did walk out. On Easter. My mom turned to me and took out her rage and grief on me. She didn’t hit me, but the words she said were just as damaging. More damaging, I think, because I don’t even remember them. I just remember being so shocked that I was somehow responsible for her dissolving marriage. I was scared, stunned, resentful, angry. But I let her vent, and then I went to my room.
That has always stuck with me. I will never beg. I will never grovel. Never will I get on my knees before a man, before anyone. I will not cry, I will not wallow in despair. I will hold onto my anger and my dignity, too. Dan leaving me last summer was one of the most hurtful things he ever did to me, even if it lasted less than 36 hours, and every time he has held it over my head since then has been almost as hurtful, but I have never caved. The one night he went so far as to actually get some of his clothes together in a bag, but I just stood by and waited for him to do whatever he decided to do. In the end, he stayed… and every threat hasn’t been followed up upon. Yet. But the trust I had in him to that degree has definitely been destroyed. I’m almost as ashamed to admit that I have been putting aside a little bit of money here and there. A savings account, if you will. A “just in case” type of thing that I will never touch unless I absolutely need it. And chances are, I’d have enough from my own work to get by on my own. But the reassurance is comforting. And if nothing else, I can add it to our savings account in the future, or put it towards college funds for Alyssa and Ryan.
I don’t know why this is all bubbling out of me now, except that I’m stressed, and Dan’s attitude towards my family and being with me and refusing to answer my texts is just really getting to me. I guess it put me over the edge.
Wow…First of all, I get a little weirded out about going to visit people in hospitals, because I know I am surrounded by the sick and dying…but I still go to see my family, and I would do the same for James. I cannot believe Dan is being that way toward your family, especially with you grieving. Even if he hates your family, he should love you, and be there for you. That’s just…wow…
And I had no idea about the separation….maybe I couldn’t read private entries back then. His continued threats to leave would make me angry and hurt, and kudos to you for just standing idly by and not dropping to your knees and begging.
I hope you two can sort out these problems. Try not to let yourself worry about them now (though I know that will be extremely difficult), because you need to be concentrating on continuing to make your grandfather comfortable and be there for your mom and brothers. *HUGS*
I cant believe he wont even come up to the hospice center to spend time with YOU.
I don’t like death and dying myself. and I don’t like davids family. but if he were in this sittuation I would definantly try to bite my tounge and be with him
I cant imagine how bad it had to be when he left you for those days last summer. I can’t believe he’d leave you and the kids over something trivial.
just know i’m just an email or tweet away if you ever need to vent
ng
How sad, Jenn. I am not a fan of death and dying either, but I most definitely would be there to hold your hand. I hope Dan comes to his senses and at least agrees to visit you in the common areas, so that you do not feel like you are going through this alone. I know you have your mom there with you, but it is not the same as your spouse.
You are in my thoughts.. I’m here should you ever need me.
Jenn,
I think you are doing everything right. The set aside fund is a great idea. The way you describe not begging him because of your mom is exactly what I was waiting to see. Do not ever let yourself be that vulnerable. As sad as this sounds, if you did that he would know exactly where he had you. Exactly what point he could push to and get that reaction. Be strong. Perhaps that is his problem? You are strong and you do for your family even if things are not perfect between you all. Your mother is one thing, she’s done things to you that I would not put up with. Your brothers? They are children, and your siblings at that. If it were his siblings, minors, how would he feel?
This isn’t my business, but since you blogged it I have to say it. The thing that gets me about Dan is that he doesn’t seem to want to deal with special needs. Your brothers are special needs and he knew that. He’s seen it first hand. He still married you. He still chose to have two children with you, knowing that the possibility of special needs was up in the air as we all do when we make those choices. Yet, Dan, who has dealt with special needs via your brothers for years still wants to deny that Ryan has anything going on and still wants to just brush your brothers aside and not give them the benefit of understanding the situation as they are going through it.
That’s sad to me, because I wonder if Ryan has issues in the future will Dan say he is irrelevant to him as well? Just because he doesn’t want to deal with special needs, or kids acting up, or god forbid a child taking advantage of his mother because I guarantee Alyssa and Ryan will both take advantage of you, that is what preteens and teens tend to do!
The death thing for me is disgusting. I can’t believe he said that stuff to you. It is human nature to be uncomfortable with death, yet for your spouse you muddle through it. You are there, you do what she wants you to, you kiss her ass because you know her pain and you want to take it all away from her because you love her and you can’t stand the thought of her suffering like this. YOU DO NOT PICK NOW TO BE PETTY AND IMMATURE. YOU DO NOT THREATEN TO LEAVE.
Also, if he has to threaten it then he should just do it. Let him be on his own, playing games, and let him get the kids for visits and pay child support. Let him know what it’s like to feel alone because that’s what he’s doing to you! Maybe then you can find a really loving man who will never take you for granted or say such things about your family or make you feel insecure.
Marriage and family is not a game that you can just threaten to walk away from whenever you feel pissy. I’d do it every damn hour if that were the case. Life is hard, it’s also what you make it. I’m just completely pissed right now that you are dealing with this loss and he is pulling this crap!!!
I can understand why he wouldn’t come up there. You aren’t comfortable with being around death, no one is, but you are obviously handling it. It sounds like he simply can’t. I don’t blame family members of mine who were too scared of seeing my Dad before he died. From everything else you’ve said, it kind of stands out that emotionally you are the bigger person, which also plays into it I’m sure.
The rest, well. If Bill ever up and left me for days, he would come home to a house with the door locks changed. I can understand leaving for a couple hours, taking a drive to cool off, or something, etc. But leaving you alone for 2 days with no answer as to where he is or whats going on? I don’t think so.
I think that Dan’s being incredibly selfish. A marriage is about trust, love and support. I can SOMEWHAT understand not wanting to be around death. Death is my biggest fear. BIGGEST. However, when my ex-husband’s aunt died I stayed by her side for the last weeks. Day and night I was there, including when she took her last breath. To me, supporting the family and being there were far more important to me.
Leaving you in the way that he did was selfish too. I mean, it’s one thing to leave for a few days because you both need some space but only if there is SOME kind of communication. You have kids for Christ’s sake. It’s his DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to communicate with you, and more importantly, with the kids. At least let you know he’s not dead on the side of the road somewhere. It sounds like a kid throwing a hissy fit.
I don’t even want to get into the problem he has with your brothers. I mean, it’s okay to not like your mom because she’s an adult and has given good reasons.. but your BROTHERS!? They are kids. Kids that need to know they are loved and wanted and have a positive male influence and him rejecting them effects them wether he wants to believe that or not. He’s hurting them because he’s acting childish and selfish.
Ugh, I’m sorry Jenn. I wish I were there so that I could take you out for coffee and let you vent, or come hang out with you at the hospice center myself to take your mind off of things for awhile, or SOMETHING. Also, to kick Dan in the shins and tell him to stop being an ass.
*hug*
Jenn, you and I aren’t particularly close, only talking in passing or on Lavish, but your blog hit me REALLY close to home.
Rob and I aren’t happy as often anymore. There are times we do nothing but fight. There are days we don’t talk, and the only time we do is little jabs here and there. Sometimes we spend our days in “our” rooms – me upstairs with the computer, him downstairs with his video games. I’ve blamed it on the stress of trying to have a baby. I’m not sure anymore, if that’s what it is, or what the deal is.
The point of my rambling, is that with all of this, I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to. I felt ashamed that my marriage was falling apart. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do the simple things, like just getting along. I wondered if this was what marriage was all about, or if I was just so unhappy that it was time to accept that I should move on. In the end, I talked to my mom. And her advice sticks with me.
She told me that despite everything, the time you’ve been together, the circumstances (Rob and I would literally have nowhere to go if we split up), etc etc; you need to do things for YOU. She recommended that I talk to Rob and lay out the lines and tell him what needs to happen or we’re headed for divorce. And I have, and they’re slowly getting better.
I honestly think you should do the same. Using that trump card, and holding it over your head, is just like a game. Like, “well, i can do whatever I want, and when jenn gets mad, I’ll threaten to leave and all will be fine.” That’s not cool, you deserve better than that! Your children deserve better than that! Despite how he feels about your family (and believe me, my inlaws are HORRIBLE people..but i deal despite my feelings for Rob), they’re still your family. Your brothers are CHILDREN, that don’t even have the capabilities of doing anything for them to be “irrelevant” to him..How would he like it, if you told him his family was “irrelevant”? And from what I’ve read, they seem to be adults or almost adults. Because he loves you, he needs to tolerate them. Because he loves you, he needs to do things he’s uncomfortable with. You didn’t ask him to kneel by your grandfather’s bed, you asked him to come comfort YOU. And that’s what marriage is, being there for the other when they need you the most. You need to tell him that threatening to leave every time something gets bad is not going to work anymore..that you’re not going to cry, and beg him to stay. That if he wants to leave, that’s a decision he’s going to have to make, but you’re not going to sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. I would almost bet what his decision would be, once he realizes you’re not playing games anymore. He’s being selfish, he really is! You’re a strong woman Jenn, you know that. You need to stand up for yourself!!
I know this is really easy to say over the computer, when I’m not actually in the situation. I know it’s easy to judge when this is all you read, and I’m sure as horrible as it is, people will jump all over this because they’re assholes. I’m not here to judge Dan, because as bad as things can get, I’m sure they’re just as wonderful. I just wanted to share the advice I got from my mother, and the advice I’m trying to follow. Even though we don’t talk often, I’m always here for you if you need an ear or an e-hug or even a place to bitch and vent! *hugs*
{{HUGS}} I can get him maybe not going to say, a vet with you to put an animal down to sleep, I have HUGE problems dealing with that, but going to a hospice where he doesn’t have to actually even SEE your grandfather or any of the other people who are ill enough to reside there. I don’t think you were being unreasonable to ask for ONE day out of the many days/hours you’ve been going.
I think a lot of it comes down to “do what I say, not what I do” mentality. You surely have to communicate with his family, regardless of your feelings toward them, heck I can even maybe understand that he doesn’t answer when your mother calls (due to her past behaviors), but to punish minor children? Even if he has issues about the past with them, a simple “She’s not here, call her cell, thanks, bye” would be the mature, adult thing to do.
When it comes to the threat of “I’m GONNA LEAVE” it always leaves a bitter taste for me. It reminds me of a small child threatening to run away if they don’t get their ice cream before dinner. Coming from a grown man, a father, a husband, it’s a power phrase. Intended to destroy your self worth, to make you live in fear of what he may follow through on.
It’s not to say he isn’t a decent husband/father/provider in maybe every other way… but he should seek counseling if he thinks “running away” to “get his way” is a valid normal adult concept.
Wow, I can tell that you’re going through a really hard time lately. I’m sorry. I hope things pick up soon. Anyone in your position would need a good venting session or cry or something, so go ahead and take it.
I don’t know anything at all about being married, considering I’m 16, but I have to agree with everyone above. It sounds like Dan is being very selfish, and he’s not stepping up for you at the time when you need him the most. And that this isn’t the first time this has happened. He should be able to get over his discomfort with death or your family or whatever it is to help you and support you. But anyway, I think you’re a very strong person, and that you’re handling this all the best you can and that’s all anyone can ask for. Hang in there.
Aw Jenn I am so sorry. I can understand you wanting Dan there and in a perfect world he should be. However, everyone has their own issue and maybe it’s just something he isn’t ready to do. But it’s an issue of his, not yours.
You shouldn’t be ashamed about him leaving. Everyone fights and everyone deals with fights in their own way. I don’t think anyone thinks less of you for that. I certainly don’t.
I’m not really quite sure what to say, since I haven’t been in a situation like that. But what struck me was how ‘divided’ you two are on your families. Maybe it’s because how my parents treat their sibling-in-laws as siblings. I never saw division like that. He can hate your mom and your brothers all he wants, but when he married you, he knew that they sort of came with the whole deal. And you should never feel ashamed that he left. If anyone should feel ashamed, it should be the person who threatens to leave. Using that as a weapon, as a way to hurt someone is just wrong and cruel and it’s completely unfair that he would use that against you.
I hope you’re doing okay, or at least okay-ish. Congratulations to your brother on graduating, I’m sure he was really happy to have his big sister there with him.
Jenn, you are a strong woman. Most women would crave and beg their husband/boyfriend not to leave them. Good for you for being so strong. As for Dan not wanting to have anything to do with your family, it’s understandable, but at the same time, they’re his family too. He is MARRIED to you, afterall. The way he treats your family is very disrespectful. He doesn’t have to like them, but he should be mature about it.
Hi Jenn,
I’ve read your blog for quite some time now and if I comment, it’s usually over at livejournal… for whatever reason, I’ve decided to comment here today.
You’re having a really rough go of things right now, but you really, honestly seem like a strong woman and you are doing very well to be holding so many pieces of your life together. It would be the hardest thing in the world to watch a family member deteriorate like that, and to have to be there without the support or presence of your husband would make it even more difficult.
I know we don’t really know the inner workings of your marriage, but I truly hope that Dan pulls his shit together and gets over there to support you.
Hmmm..
As humans we are certainly, most certainly NOT programmed to have an aversion to death. I think that in Western/Christian based societies we are. It is completely a social/cultural issue. For example, in many Eastern societies that are governed largely by their Eastern spirituality and philosophy…they know that there are 3 stages to life. Birth, Life, and Death. The elderly and their loved ones spend the last years of their lives preparing meticulously for death, not only for the physical aspects of it, but also the spiritual and emotional. They welcome it head on because…without death, there is no life. Creation and destruction rely upon each other and lean on one another in this great cosmic melee battle we call ‘life.’ Death is just a part of life, and this is simply understood and dealt with by other cultures at a much, much better level than our own. It is definitely a societal and cultural issue, not a human one at all.
As far as Dan…..
Well, he needs to get over it. You are his wife and you are going through a tough time, he needs to work past his little, trivial insecurities and be there for you.
Alright ive got another thing to say regarding Dan..
Seriously, you know, GROW UP. Youre married, you made a vow. Cant live with it? Maybe you shouldnt have made it, but put your little nintendo games away, wait a few for your fucking nutsack to descend back into your scrotum and GROW UP.
I dealt with this bullshit for the past 4 years from my ex. Yes, EX. Everytime something bad would happen, EVERY SINGLE TIME I WOULD QUESTION HIS ACTIONS THAT I DID NOT AGREE WITH..he threatened to leave. And EVERY SINGLE TIME…he did not leave. I would stand by, watch him mope while getting his shit together, and sometimes even laugh at the way he was acting because it was so fucking pathetic. In the end? He always stayed. But guess who ended up leaving? You probably guessed who.
Jenn,
I agree with you, do not EVER allow yourself to grovel at the feet of a man who is threatening to LEAVE YOU. If he doesnt have the balls to stick around and care for the family he not only made a vow to..but HELPED CREATE…then, hah, let him leave because you deserve better, and can damn well get better. Do not ever sacrifice your integrity and dignity over a man, because you will be sucked dry and left with nothing. You know this, you said it yourself youve seen your mother go through it.
Dan sounds like he is having some issues dealing with the life and the path that he created for himself. I am sure it gets overwhelming, hell..for the past 5 years I have been an opiate addict…I KNOW how overwhelming life can get, especially when you feel like you want something else out of it. But…THIS IS YOUR REALITY, Dan. Right now, your actions are not just felt by you, no matter how selfish you want to be…they are also felt by the family you helped create. Be a man. I realize we live in America, where ‘real men’ are going to be extinct within about 5 years…but for god fuckings sakes…this is not high school, your life is not Junior Prom. You cannot just LEAVE because things dont go your way.
Jenn..
Next time he pulls this shit..just ask if he needs you to call the WAHHHHMBULANCE on him, grab him a tampon and tell him to shove it up his bleeding cunt, and go watch some American Idol or some shit. Lol.
Jesus Krishna.
You said:
“But mostly, I was ashamed. How crappy of a wife I must be to cause my husband to do that.”
You can’t feel that way. You absolutely, positively, cannot THINK that way. Put the constitutions of marriage aside and remember who you are as a person – a single person, not a wife or a mother. But YOU.
You didn’t cause Dan to do anything. It doesn’t matter if you stood there yelling at him, calling him every name in the book. You did not cause him to do that. He CHOSE to do that. Everybody is responsible for their own actions, period.
FOr many years, I went through my marriage feeling like I was the one responsible for everything. I made myself (and my husband helped) feel like I was the fault of it all. The arguments, him leaving + ignoring my calls, his spiraling out of control drinking, everything. I put the blame on myself. I wasn’t perfect enough or good enough or doing anything right.
The things he did and said (and trust, I dealt with a lot of emotional abuse!), were things he chose to do. I didn’t force him to develop a drinking habit – he did that on his own, as a way to escape our maritial problems.. pretend they weren’t there. I didn’t force him to call me crude names or claim he didn’t love me. He chose to do that. None of it was really my fault at all, as the only thing I was really concerned about was pleasing him… even if that meant putting myself last.
This is about you, so I won’t drawl on.. but, supress and depress yourself long enough, and it will eventually destroy you. Don’t lose yourself, never put yourself last. Stay strong, stay on top, and be selfish if you have to.
First off, congrats to your brother on his accomplishments!!
Secondly, Wow – even though Dan is uncomfortable with death and being in the same building – you needed him, you missed him. He didn’t even have to be in the same room with your Grandfather, he was coming to see you! My gosh, he could of come up there to spend time with you!! He needed to be there for you.
Also, I completely agree with the other commenters about Dan. He should face reality and stop “threatening” to leave. I think you both need to have a BIG talk about your life in general. He needs to stop throwing around threats of leaving, that’s ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys are a FAMILY! If he’s gonna leave THEN LEAVE! When Brad and I first got together, we promised one another that If we ever got mad, we wouldn’t EVER storm out because his Mom & Dad used to do that and he didn’t want that for us so when we would get mad at each other, we would deal with it and get over it. Dan needs to figure out what he truly wants – and If he wants to truly be with his family then he needs to sort his mind out.
Sending big hugs to ya Jenn, I know you have a LOT on your plate right now *hugs hugs hugs*
And I hope Dan can man up and be the supportive person you need right now !!!!
I am very sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry to hear about your granddad and I can understand the whole death issue, I can’t do it at the moment with my husband’s grandmother and he understands but she is not dying just not all these anymore
And I can totally understand that you have set money aside for you and your children, it helps you feel safe then I would do it, I don’t agree with how Dan left you for 2 days, if my husband did that I would leave, I seen my parents fight so many times and I was so glad when they split up.
He shouldn’t keep hanging it over your head, I hope that he can sort out his own issues and support you
*hugs*