“Do you cherish your children?”
It was a scrawny, self-absorbed teenage lifeguard that came over and said this to me today. At the time, I was in the deep end of the pool, Alyssa was sitting on her Swimways spring float beside me, my mom was sitting on a chaise lounge poolside, and Ryan was wandering around the perimeter of enclosed area that the pool is contained within. The pool itself is like a large sideways T, and it is surrounded on all sides by an ample amount of grass. There is a pavilion, a dozen or so chaise lounges, and ten or so large picnic tables. It is all surrounded by a fence that must be at least ten feet in height, and there is only one entrance to the pool, and it is guarded by a large desk and several pool staff members.
As I’m sure I have said before, Ryan is a roamer. He likes to wander about, and he doesn’t like crowds. But at the same time he feels secure with some sort of restraint or enclosure. So the pool area is perfect for him. He enjoys walking around the edge of the land, right alongside the fence. He reads the letters and numbers off of signs, plucks dandelions and little flowering weeds, and occasionally comes back to the pool and will get in wherever Alyssa and I happen to be at. He enjoys the freedom, and I have the peace of mind knowing that he can’t go anywhere, and that he is always within sight. And since he is always snugly inside his swim sweater (which requires two hands and a bit of effort to wrestle over his shoulders and head), if he were to go into the pool without me seeing, there would be no danger.
I am taking the time to write all this out because I want you guys to understand how it is at the pool and how Ryan is and how we are with him, before I elaborate on what the little punky lifeguard said to me, and how the rest of our conversation went. I am always within running or swimming distance of Alyssa and Ryan. If Alyssa should go over to the diving area, then I am in the deep end with Ryan, so that I’m nearby just in case she should somehow defy physics and get out of her swim sweater, and the lifeguards and other people around don’t see her go under. And if Ryan wants to go wander off and walk around, then I let him. He doesn’t like crowds and is easily overwhelmed and upset by a lot of people and noise, so I let him get the solitude and quiet that he needs, and I don’t always follow him, since he hates being shadowed by us.
So anyway. When the twerpy little lifeguard comes up to me and says that, I was in the pool with Alyssa, and Ryan was walking along the perimeter of the fence. I think he was holding a few little flowers, replacements for the ones he had brought to me earlier (and then threw into the pool, heh). My mom was sitting on a chaise lounge nearby, helping me to keep an eye on Ryan (on a related note, I refuse to take both kids to the pool by myself. Either Dan or my mom comes with me.)
He took issue with the fact that I wasn’t within inches of Ryan at every single moment, and since I wasn’t, I was obvious careless and uncaring, and I wouldn’t care if Ryan should fall and get hurt or trip into the pool and drown at the bottom. Meanwhile, I had just spent the past hour and fifteen minutes frolicking around in the water with both Alyssa and Ryan, and Ryan had just gotten out to do his own thing and take a break from the noise and excitement of the pool.
My instinctive response to something like this? To flip the fuck out. I wanted to. OH did I want to. I really wanted to put the little punky lifeguard in his place, especially since I know from multiple observations that he and most of the other lifeguards at the pool are too busy splashing each other and flirting with the female lifeguards and teenage girls to really pay attention to the swimmers. In fact, at last year’s pool party Ryan slipped underwater (he fell over) in the shallow end right in front of FOUR OF THEM (they were all sitting in chairs), but they were busy yapping to one another and didn’t see him go under. I saw him from where I was by one of the picnic tables and went running over and in to pull him up. So it’s not as if the group of lifeguards at the pool could be considered observant, and they’re definitely by no means vigilant, as lifeguards should be.
But I didn’t. I kept my shit together, and calmly told the lifeguard that I was in fact quite aware of Ryan’s location at all times, and that I am always within running or swimming distance, and that I have my mother to aid me in keeping an eye on him. I also explained — as I have to every single lifeguard there, and to the staff members at the desk — that Ryan is autistic, that he does not communicate as he should, that he tends to withdraw from people, including his own family, and that he is easily overwhelmed by large areas, groups of people and loud noises. I went on to explain that Ryan prefers to be alone and on his own, and “on the fringes” of whatever is happening around him. I finished up with assuring the lifeguard a second time that I was aware of Ryan’s presence, and that myself and my mother — and my husband on other days — were continually keeping him within eyesight, and were always aware of where he was doing and what he was up to.
Beneath the surface, I was furious. I still am, in fact. The only reason I kept my cool was because I knew if I exploded, it wouldn’t be pretty. I would make a scene, and I wouldn’t get anywhere. Instead, I came home, venting to my mom halfway there, called Dan to bitch (who agreed with me wholeheartedly), and have been going over a letter in my head. I am going to write a letter to the management of the pool, and let them know what the lifeguard said to me. I’m going to explain about Ryan and his diagnosis of autism, and I’m going to include some information on autism. I am also going to clarify that I have been letting the lifeguards and desk staff members know from the first day we went this year that my son’s name is Ryan, he is two (now three), and he is autistic, so he doesn’t communicate well, isn’t always receptive, and prefers to be on his own, away from other people, and that every single lifeguard and staff members up until the one I encountered today has always been understanding and accepting of Ryan’s condition, and his preference for being separate from others at the pool.
I am also going to give serious consideration to a pool my mom and I took the kids to two weeks ago. It’s the same distance from our home, though in the opposite direction. It’s a lot smaller (which for Ryan is actually a good thing), but it has a separate circular kiddie pool, and a fence with special latching gates between the two people. It’s also more expensive. But the pool being smaller and the separate kiddie area are both very good features of the other pool. Also, the staff members there seemed very understanding of Ryan’s “quirks”, and had no problem with him roaming on the fringes of the pool and everyone else.
I’m hoping to take Dan to that particular pool tonight. Since we’re non-members, the only time we’re eligible to go is on Tuesdays for their 7:00pm-9:00pm night swim. If he likes it, and if I take Ryan a few more times and everything goes well, then I think we’ll get a membership there. Who cares if the pool is smaller, if the trade-off is having a better enclosed area for Ryan to roam around in, and staff members that are more understanding and accepting of his needs.
Wow that’s messed up. I do remember that from last year when he fell over and the life guards weren’t even watching. They were too busy bsing. This is what you get when you have teenagers that are life guards. Maybe they need to update their staff u know? I’m sorry Jenn. This would totally ticked me off too.
Ugh, I hate arrogant teenagers who think they know everything about the world because they’ve had a car for six months or a job for a year. Please. It totally gives the rest of us a bad name. I know I would never be that ignorant and inconsiderate.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Why is it that teenagers think they know everything? Ok, I’m still a teenager…but I don’t feel like one seeing as how I’m married, had two step-kids and my first on the way. Most of the time you can tell when someone is keeping an eye on their children. He should have found a better way to approach you with that anyways.
I would defiantly check out the other pool some more, it sounds like it would be a much better fit for your family.
Best of luck with it!
I think you should get a membership at the other pool. Even if it is smaller and more costly, at least you won’t have your parenting skills questioned by some punk teenager.
What a rude little punk, but good for you for keeping your composure.
You know, he doesn’t know you, so his opinion really doesn’t matter. Only the opinions of the people you love really matter. The people who you feel know you.
I wouldn’t worry so much about it. He was probably more concerned for Ryan than it came across to you. I work in a store where women bring their children and pay NO attention to them. I once had a woman come in, a small girl trailing in well after her and I didn’t know who the girl belonged with. I watched her wander around for a bit, then she went outside and I dropped everything to watch her. She was talking with a lady outside who after a couple of minutes brought her in asking for her mother. Suddenly her mother hurries over, all flurry-like… She is the ONLY person in this store. Her daughter did not get lost in a bunch of chattering kids. She had not once called for her daughter but now seemed so worried. She explained she had thought her husband was with the girl, but he had never entered the store. He came in a minute later.
The boy’s approach was insensitive, but if he really felt you weren’t watching your son at least he got your attention. I would try not to be too offended. He may need to work on his approach, but at least he was brave enough TO aproach. How many of us are quiet and shake our heads when concerned for a child’s safety we don’t know? We’re always too afraid to be embarassed, or content to blog angrilly about it later
Sometimes I’m just an optimist, I guess.
What a jerk. I understand that he was concerned, but he was really wrong to ask you in such a rude manner if you cherished your kids. That’s just…despicable! I wish people could learn some manners.
I would seriously consider getting the other pool membership and including that in the letter.
I like PA’s comment that at least he approached when he was concerned, instead of leaving it like others had done before…. though yes, the way of approaching, perhaps he needs his social skills worked on ;)
As a person working somewhere you never approach someone and ask them that type of question. That’s confrontational. If there is a problem then come over and say Hey Lady, we’d appreciate it if you were within 2ft of your kid and not letting him roam the area. Thanks. If not you’ll be banished. You don’t come over with a moral question for someone. He’s a little jerk who hasn’t lived life yet and has no clue how to deal or that there may be something else going on other than a mom who doesn’t give a shit.
Send the letter. Don’t only send it to management, send it to whoever owns and runs that pool. If it’s like ours it’s a public municipal and you can send it to all kinds of people like the park department and the mayor. Heck, write a letter to the editor in the local paper and make the kid look really dumb!
Wow what nerve of that kid. Not only was it a completely rude thing to say but it wasn’t his place to say it. It really annoys me that people with absolutely no knowledge of a situation or the people in it decide to make their own opinions and act like they’re better than anyone else. Ugh. I give you lots of credit for holding your tongue. I don’t know if I could have been so cool and collected in your situation.
I think finding that other pool and joining it is definitely a good idea. I’d also call and complain to the owner of the pool you were at today and tell him that you were absolutely appalled and insulted at what the lifeguard said to you. Maybe he’ll be reprimanded. We can only hope.
Perhaps this particular life guard did not get the memo, he was just trying to do his job. He might just need to work on his approach. Though good for you for holding your tounge and not blowing up at the guy. He might not have known that your mom was there as well, as you were still in the pool while he was on the outside area. He’s not a mind reader, and neither are you for knowing how sometimes people react to certain situations.
In the pools around my area the rules are that a grown up has to be an arms length away from children at all time, when in the water. Unless the child can pass a swim test. It is a pain in the ass sometimes, but I can see why they have that rule and strickly enforce it.