Last week my mom and I had it out. To hear her tell it, I screamed and snarled. I was certainly a bit snarly, but I definitely didn’t scream. It started over gas — I owed her $20 for babysitting Alyssa and Ryan for Dan and I a few days before, and I suggested that I just keep the $20, since she was going to be spending amount that much in gas to visit with my fourteen year old brother. She argued with me, and out of frustration and disgust I went ahead and sent her the $20 via PayPal, even though I knew the appropriate amount wouldn’t wind up in my gas tank (and I was right — she put $10 in, when by my estimate she should have put in at least $14.50).
I don’t know how things progressed from there, but she demanded to know what set me off, why was I being so bitchy, etc. I told her flat out that she was a sinking ship, and I was tired of being dragged down with her. She asked for examples, and I outlined a few.
Plenty more was said — by her, not me. I’m not going to go into details, since my mother made the snarky comment that I’d probably run to my blog and tell all of my “blog friends”, but suffice to say, enough was said that as far as I’m concerned, and irreparable rift has been created between us. I kept my mouth shut and let her run hers, even when she tried to drag my brother (who was visiting with us that afternoon) and Alyssa into it. My mother said some very horrible things to me and about me, and they’re not things I’m going to forget. I probably won’t be able to forgive them, either.
I’m also proud of the fact that I didn’t cry. I am notorious for crying when I’m sad, scared or angry. But not a tear was shed. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or have my mother mock me for crying, and so I balled up my emotions and shoved them far away from where I was at the present. I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of her. I don’t like being vulnerable in front of her. I would sooner break down in front of Jason or any of Dan’s family than I would her. And that makes me really sad and remorseful, because I shouldn’t feel that way. It isn’t right, though that is how it is.
This happened almost a week ago. Since then things between us have been tense, to say the least. I have basically cut off all contact from her, despite the fact that she has no vehicle, and no access to the internet other than an unsecured network in her neighborhood, and a working phone only when she can’t get a signal (but that would require her to actually get dressed and go outside). She has been asking for the past few days about going out, so I turned it into a “business arrangement”, to quote her directly: I’ll play taxi, but I expect to be paid for my time, and of course for the gas that I use. (By the way, my car just rolled over 103,000 miles. That is 14,000 miles put on in a year and two months. Prior to this past year I was averaging a mere 4,000 per year. I have my mother to mostly thank for that additional 9,000. Excuse me while I go cry.)
So I played taxi today, and I was indeed paid — rather than cash I took $15 worth of dog food, a half gallon of milk, a bottle of ketchup, and a beef pot roast meal. Being with her was awkward, and despite everything she has done to bring us to our current point I still felt like a shit (but not like a useless sack of shit, which is what she called me last week). Despite everything, I am not HAPPY with the way things are between us. I wish they were like they were, or better yet, like they SHOULD BE. *sigh* I love my mom, but I don’t like her, if that makes sense. I’m filled with such resentment and bitterness. Most of the time I think I am justified, but then there are other times when I second-guess myself. Am I going overboard? Am I just that much of a bitch? Is it a little of both? But even more importantly, regardless of whose fault it is/whose more at fault/whose most at fault, can we get to where we should be? Ever? The rift between us is pretty well-defined at this point…
What’s that saying? You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. It’s so true. SO true.
And with that, I’m off to read up about diamond rings. I swear, I get the craziest topics to write about at times! Though honestly, I don’t feel like doing any writing tonight. My wrists hurt!
You are not over reacting. Your mother has this “world revolves around me’ syndrome where if you’re not pleasing her and doing what she wants you are nothing and worthless until you give in. By standing up for yourself, you are saying that you are not just a mindless tool to bring her happiness. You did great. Keep it up.
Jenn, I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are not alone. My relationship with my mother is exactly like that. I also have alot of bitterness and resentment towards her because of her being so verbally abusive to me at times. I wish things were different for her and I, but she won’t change anytime soon. I don’t think she wants to. I don’t like crying in front of her either. I hate being vulnerable in front of her. I always cry/break down to Benny or Benny’s mom about whatever my mother did/said to upset me.
.-= julie´s last blog ..bad weekend =-.
i don’t think you’re going overboard either.. your mother seems to be reversing rolls on you a bit.. you’re having to pay attention to her financial situation, drive her around, make sure she does what she needs to.. its not right. you are not her mother! to me it looks like she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life. i think you are right in charging her for your driving her around. frankly i don’t think most women get along with their mothers… i certainly don’t get along with mine :s
.-= Nimil´s last blog ..the midnight meat train =-.
You are definitely not going overboard. Dealing with parents can sometimes be a hard line to walk. You love them because they gave you life and raised you but at times you can wish you never knew them. I’m going through a similar thing with my father. Actually we are now on the other end. We have just started talking again after almost eight years. But during the not talking years I wished that things were different. I always wished that I could talk to my father the way I’m able to talk to my mom, the way you should be able to talk to your parents.
I really hope things get better with your mom Jenn, but don’t beat yourself up about the way you treat her because a person can only take so much abuse before they snap. And it definitely seems like you are at the snapping point.
From everything you’ve told us in the past and now too, I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. Your mom does not appear to appreciate anything you do for her or your brothers and when you do, tries to take advantage of the situation and turn it into you being the bad guy. Stick to your guns about how you feel.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..A flat tire leads the way =-.
ugh. I completely get the love but don’t like thing when it comes to family…
I don’t think you are going overboard either. Especially when if often times appears as though you have to be a parent to your own parent. I know what it is like to not have money or a ride somewhere but, when I get help I am grateful .. you shouldn’t be put down when you are always trying to help her and it seems like you don’t get anything even gratitude a majority of the time. All relationships have give and take and sometimes with family its more take than give. That is exactly how it is with my fathers side of the family. *hugs*
Humm so according to your mom….useless sack of shit….that you are has basically carried her ass for how many years now? You quit school to help her get through.
Honestly Jenn, not trying to upset you but here is some harsh reality that I hope your mom reads from your little blog friends. From what I’ve read in the past few years your mom has not followed through with one of her responsibilities. You always bail her out. Whether it be a dog or a cat, which you currently have of hers, money, cars, or even her own two dependent children. What is this woman’s problem?
Sounds to me like she called you that name because she feels like a useless sack of shit. Stop doing for her, like you have and we’ll see how long she can take it. Sad that the kids are in the middle, and sad she would say that in front of them. Disgusting actually.
I am so sorry Jenn. If it was me, I would not talk to her. I seen in person how she talked to you. Just leave her alone for awhile. She is def taking advantage of you. You have been nothing but nice and thoughtful to her. Once thing that really pissed me off was when we were at the pool and she got mad bc ryan wanted pizza and u gave her money and she was mad that she had to use that money. Come on! It was your money!! U just need to stop everything cold turkey. No money, no car. She has money to by iphone but not for other things. This is wrong.
Aww, you can only handle so much, hun. Your mother definitely has issues and walks all over you at times. You do so much for her and for your family and I really respect you for that. I’m sorry that she does not see that and argues over the simplest of things and doesn’t see the bigger picture. It must be so frustrating for you. *hugs*
.-= Caity´s last blog ..More layouts and fun search terms. =-.
I don’t think you overreacted either. She needs to understand that you have your own family to take care of now. You should be able to have your own life without having to bail her out all the time. I hope things get better for you ((hugs))
.-= Nikki´s last blog .. =-.
I’ve been reading your blog for several years now and I’ve always been afraid that things with your mom would/could get very ugly. I hope your mom reads these comments.
From what I have read, it sounds like your mom has some real mental issues. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just calling it like it is. It also sounds like she is not addressing or refusing to address these serious mental issues. The fact that she will not follow through with any responsibilities be it money, bills, pets or even her own freaking children is a serious RED FLAG! I don’t know how you have been able to remain sane!
You need to push your mom to get the help she needs. She may think you are a useless sack of shit, but she’s a bigger one if she continues in her state of denial and blames her troubles on her only daughter.
I’ll step off my soapbox now.
.-= Molly ´s last blog ..From the truck stop hotel =-.
Aw, Jenn, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your mom. I agree with everyone by saying you’re not going overboard. It sounds like those things were said to you, because deep down, that’s how your mom feels.
However, I hope you both can get things worked out in the end. Good luck, girl! And hang in there
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Today’s random thoughts =-.
ohhh Jenn :(. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and you are definitely not going overboard. I wish I had some incredible advice to give you to help you make things better, to keep your mom from being the way she is toward you and to make your relationship stronger… but I have nothing. I hope you make a decision that makes you happy in the long run.
.-= Jessy´s last blog ..Awards =-.
Aw hun, I am so sorry this is still going on for you, but I am so proud that you are so strong not to listen to her comments any more. I don’t think you are overacting at all *hugs*
.-= Damita´s last blog ..Poorly =-.