My mother called me today, and we got on the subject of my fourteen year old brother. He called here last night to complain (as he always does when he calls me. I told him flat out last week that I am not the 800 Complaint Hotline. Talk to me about what’s going on in your life, but stop saving up all your complaints and rants for me to hear about!) about losing privileges (game time, snacks, the use of his PSP, etc.) and dealing with a staff member (we’ll call him Mr. P) that was pissed off with him. We asked what happened, and he said that he heard/saw what he thought was possibly pornography, and asked Mr. P about it, and Mr. P flipped out and started screaming at him, and then took away all of his privileges.
Something didn’t sound right — mainly the vehemence of the staff member’s response, so when I questioned my brother a bit more about it, the truth came out. Mr. P was watching a television show (staff members are allowed to watch TV with the kids, or on their own if they’re taking a break and the kids are being watched by other staff members) that my fourteen year old brother somehow thought to be pornography. But my brother never said a word to Mr. P about it. Instead, he went and tattled to a SUPERVISOR OF THE DAMN CAMPUS MY BROTHER IS AT. Can you imagine the world of shit that probably opened up for this guy, thanks to my brother’s false accusation? No wonder he flipped out, took away my brother’s privileges and is basically giving my brother the cold shoulder right now. He could have lost his job at the very least. Being arrested, charged and jailed were also very good possibilities.
While on the phone, my mother also told me that about six months ago my fourteen year old brother admitted the truth about something that happened two years ago. Some of you may remember that my brothers came to live with us for almost eight weeks. They were here because my fourteen year old brother came out of his room late one night for a drink, and found my dad (who had come up to stay with my mom for a few days while my grandfather was in the hospital) masturbating and watching a soft-core porn movie. Or so he said. At the time, he said all that to the social worker that was working with my mom, and he overreacted (whacking off + watching porn late at night when the kids are asleep in their rooms, behind closed doors, is NOT a problem, IMHO. And if it is, well damn, there are going to be a LOT of kids in state custody, my own included!) and determined that my brothers “must” come live with me for their “safety”. My dad was visited by social workers when he went back to Philadelphia, and basically told to stay away from my brothers and other kids, too.
Well, guess what? The masturbation part NEVER HAPPENED. It’s true that my dad was watching something on Skinamax (again, I see no problem with that, so long as there are no kids present — and there weren’t! Kids get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink. It happens all of the time.), but he wasn’t masturbating or doing anything inappropriate.
I’m really fucking pissed. My fourteen year old brother essentially made some shit up like that just so he could play the victim card to its full potential. And sadly, this isn’t the first time my brother has done something like this. I doubt it will be the last, either. There have been many instances of this kind of thing happening. Here are a few I can think of:
2005:
Accusation: I forced my brother to take a bath with me when he was a toddler, and I touched him inappropriately.
Truth: I have been taking showers BY MYSELF since I was a child. I never took a bath with him. I did bathe him, just as I bathed my youngest brother and now my own children, but I never touched him inappropriately.
2006:
Accusation: I got mad and scratched my brother on his cheek.
Truth: The three of us (my brothers + I) were playing around on the sofa in my mom’s living room, and my fourteen year old brother fell forward onto a couch cushion. A piece of the plastic piping that helps to make the shape of the cushion had broken free of the fabric, and it scratched his cheek.
2007:
Accusation: While spending a weekend in respite care, my brother was forced to have anal sex and perform oral sex on another teenage foster child.
Truth: There was no type of penetrative sex. In all likelihood nothing beyond some touching occurred, and it was most likely mutual. Or, my brother may have been the perpetrator, because the other boy is mentally retarded.
He also makes up stuff that never even happened. He claims that Dan and I had sex in front of him when he and my other brother were living with us. Do I even have to waste the words to defend such a ridiculous accusation? This little accusation came out not long before he was over here with a friend, and he and his friend went into our bedroom, rummaged around in my night stand and pulled out and started playing with some of the “toys” Dan and I own. I’m STILL pissed over that. I feel violated, you know? Talk about a lack of respect.
He also claims that when he was a toddler he ate dirt, sand, sticks and ants. I can promise you, nothing went into that kid’s mouth but food and drinks.
Last year, before this whole mess with CPS started (my brothers will have been in state custody for a year as of September 18th), my fourteen year old brother was also getting very bad with acting out — physically. He was very aggressive towards my brother, my mother, and on one occasion, me. I was mortified last summer when he went after Danielle’s husband, Matt.
Ugh. You know, I thought my brother was ready to be discharged and move on to a temporary foster family and then back home to my mom, but the more I think about all of this stuff, the more I’m beginning to wonder if he really is. I don’t know what is wrong with him, but he NEEDS to be made to realize that lying and making accusations and twisting shit around to make himself look like the poor, innocent victim is not only wrong, it’s dangerous. As the title of this entry states — words can last forever. He accused me of molesting him, he accused my mom of beating him, he accused my brother of being inappropriate with him, he accused my father of masturbating in front of him, and now he’s moving onto attacking innocent people — such as the foster child and now the staff member at his school.
Honestly, my brother calls me several times a week, and he always has someone to complain about. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is or what is going on, someone has always wronged him. A teacher. A staff member. Another student. In the spring he accused his roommate of touching him. In the summer he complained of several boys groping him in the pool. Just recently he called to complain about a kid stealing his video game. As it turns out, the kid was simply taking BACK the video game my brother stole from HIM in the first place.
All of this makes me really doubt anything that comes out of his mouth. The boy that cried wolf, you know?
I don’t know if the psychologist at my brother’s school knows the extent of what has going on and what is obviously still going on. This needs to be addressed. If left unresolved, it’s just going to continue. And I have not only myself to think about, but Dan, Alyssa and Ryan. Who’s to say my brother won’t accuse them of something, or accuse us (Dan and myself) of doing something to Alyssa and Ryan? After everything that has gone down in the past five years, I wouldn’t put it past him. And just as I have established with my mother that my family, my family as in my HUSBAND and CHILDREN, comes first, I will establish the same to my brother, and if need be, put him out of my life in order to protect myself and my family.
Though I understand that it is annoying that your brother makes false accusations, he may not realize that they are completely false. He may be convinced that the things that he alleges are actually going on. Some people convince themselves that what they are lying about has actually happened, and they end up suffering from the trauma of events that never occurred. I mean, it’s fully possible that he’s just making up the stuff for his own benefit, but I think it sounds like a deeper psychological issue.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Are You Kidding Me? =-.
Hi Jenn,
Good luck with everything!
I’m not sure you remember me, but I used to be around back in the Nova days and you had kissmykitty, I owned elitechiq.com. Anyway just wanted to say hi & tell you how happy I am that someone whose site I used to visit regularly is still around!
That said, I’m sorry to hear about all the chaos concerning your broher’s behavior. It sounds to me like he might need some psychological help, like someone fully dedicated to him. It’s bad enough that he is making all of this up, but also all his lies seem to be sex-related, and accusing someone of things like that is so extremely dangerous. It’s a very delicate topic
.-= Luana´s last blog ..LDR is for Long Distance Relationship =-.
With everything that you’ve told us about Yusef, it may be better for him to be where he is because accusations that he has made and continues to make can not be taken lightly. They have the potential to ruin peoples’ lives in a major way. I don’t blame you for wanting to protect your immediate family first and foremost.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..38 weeks and 2 days =-.
That’s horrible… I feel for you and Dan – but, I also feel for your Brother. I’m not accusing you or your Mother of actually doing the things he said you did, but it makes you wonder if something actually did happen to him at some point to cause him to make all the accusations…
There’s obviously something very wrong with him – this isn’t just a kid wanting attention or being vindictive.
But – that being said, you totally have to protect your kids first.
.-= Theresa´s last blog ..discovering why our house smells like cat pee… =-.
it sounds very much like your brother has some very deep seeded mental problem and i feel so bad for you guys as well as him, having to deal with this.
does he get any sort of treatment in the place he’s living in? or is it just a home? the things he is talking about may have become sexual in nature due to his age and puberty.. but it could also stem from some sort of sexual abuse somewhere down the line. i know you mentioned a few blogs back about your own abuse… could your brother have been a victim as well?
.-= Nimil´s last blog ..breaking bad habits =-.
The boy who cried wolf is exactly right. People may still believe his stories now, but it’s going to get to the point where no one’s going to believe him anymore. And then, god forbid, when something serious DOES happen, no one’s going to care, because everyone’s going to think he’s lying.
I firmly believe that he’s been sexually abused. His actions are CLASSIC of that. I really doubt he is doing any of that for “attention” but more so he mentally got so screwed up due to the abuse he endured (by god knows who) that he needs the validation that he’s being “heard” by ANYONE.
I hate to sound harsh here, but considering your own experience with sexual abuse, with your mother NOT standing up for you either, why is it a surprise that he most likely experienced sexual abuse himself?
When he started his accusations, children of that age are NOT able to be explicit about sex. Hopefully with finding an understanding foster family, having heavy duty counseling, he will be able to come to terms with whatever happened and be a healthy, successful adult.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Redesign: Autumn =-.
I was going to say the exact same thing Sarah said. The fact most of his lies are of some sort of sexual nature is a huge red flag. It’s kinda shocking no one has picked up on this. (By that I mean social worker, case worker, therapist etc, people trained to put these pieces together. )
To me, it seems like he’s acting out to get attention. But what I know of your brother is what you write about him. And I do agree with what Sarah said – something most certainly has probably happened to him at one point. Maybe he tried to tell someone and nobody believed him. And now he sees the same behavior in everyone. Protect your children and your family, but he’s still your brother and does need help. Cutting him out when he needs people that love and care for him the most will only cause further damage.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Squirrelisms =-.
It probably is like Janet said a deeper issue, but Jenn needs to think of Alyssa and Ryan first. Her and Dan are adults, they can handle what comes their way, those kids are innocents and from what I just read he could possibly touch one of them or tell crap about Jenn and Dan and have those kids taken away. We all know you don’t want to even get started with the system if you can help it.
I wonder why it’s almost always about sexual things? My first reaction is that he’s struggling sexually, he’s been molested himself, or he just knows it gets the best reaction.
I know it sounds harsh because I don’t fully think he’s just doing it to be bad, but you have to protect yourself first. I’d be very careful, just like it sounds like you are going to be around him the future.
That is such a scary thing to deal with. But I agree with Janet, some people actually do that (I’ve met a few who do). I do agree that this needs to be addressed and taken care of because it can harm other people. It sucks that he’s already accused you and your siblings :(.