The state-appointed agency (not CPS, but an agency like them. They provide transportation, set up meetings with the foster parents and therapists, and arrange for bi-weekly visits with my brothers at their center) has finally deemed my mom “ready” for a parent trainer. The parent trainer is supposed to work with my mom at her house, one-on-one, for five hours a week, during which time they’ll go over basic parenting skills, how to handle conflicts, how to referee when siblings fight, etc. In other words, common sense crap that my mother already knows, but nevertheless must be “taught” anyway.
Now, my mother has known for months, literally months (since last spring!) that the parent trainer would eventually be assigned to her, and when he/she was, they would work together at my mother’s house. Has she lifted a finger to clean up her house? No. It still resembles an oversized storage shed. You seriously cannot walk three feet in any direction, in any room of the house, without running into an obstruction of sorts. Boxes, packaging, bags, piles of magazines, piles of mail, clothes (mostly clean, I think), toys, dog toys, my grandfather’s belongings, etc. You name it, it’s most likely scattered somewhere in her house. Here’s the funny thing: dimension-wise, my mother’s house is bigger than mine. But you would never know it, given the piles and stacks and towers of STUFF that is just all over the damn place. My house is wide, open and airy, especially compared to hers. Everything is put away; in fact I completely admit to being just slightly OCDish when it comes to organization and everything being in its proper place.
(I really think that my mother’s progressively worsening lack of organization and cleaning skills has driven me to be obsessed with a clean, organized and orderly house. I sweep daily, mop weekly, vacuum every other day, clean the cat litter twice a day, dust and wipe down surfaces weekly, make the beds, keep after the kids to keep their rooms clean, make sure my kitchen is spotless, and run around multiple times a day making sure that everything is clean and where it should be. My own need for cleanliness and organization drives me crazy sometimes, especially when I’m tired or not feeling good or wanting to do something else but I can’t help to not be driven to zoom through my house like Martha Stewart on steroids.)
And then there’s the smell. Yes, I said smell. My mother’s really-somewhat-sort-of-kind-of housebroken dog is not housebroken at all. She pees on a pad… occasionally. The rest of the time she pees somewhere in the house, on the carpet. She shits all over the house, too. I really don’t go over to my mother’s house very much; in fact it has been several months since I last spent more than fifteen minutes in there, so I didn’t realize how bad it was. I believed my mom when she said that Molly was “mostly” housebroken and only pooped somewhere other than the pad “occasionally”. Well, I saw with my own eyes that the reverse is true: Molly is barely housebroken and only pees and poops on the pad occasionally. Seriously, when I was in there last week, I saw a small puddle of urine by the front door, a pile of poop next to the pad, and a pile of poop every three feet or so from the living room down to the hallway.
And my mother wanted me to venture in there and help her clean up? I don’t think so. Numero uno, it’s not my responsibility. Second, I have my own house to clean. I also have two small children who are in a total of three different preschool classes throughout the week, I spend 30-35 hours per week working, and you know that guy I share a bed with every night? I do kind of like spending time with him.
But she just doesn’t get it, or doesn’t want to get it, or thinks she’s somehow deserving of help to clean her own damn house, the house that she spends 24 hours a day in. And it pisses me the hell off, to no end. She kept pestering me to come over yesterday or today to help her drag out a bunch of stuff to her shed and make the place look more presentable. Nevermind the fact that the place isn’t going to smell presentable, I just don’t want to do it. It’s not my job. My mother is on disability, she doesn’t work, and she doesn’t have custody of my brothers. She has all day to do whatever she wants. I’m thinking she should start with cleaning up her damn house.
I can deal with a lot of things, pop piles on my floor every three feet is not one of them. I’ve been to houses like that which are otherwise clean and they seem so freaking dirty anyway. The fact that she sounds like a hoarder doesn’t seem to help it! Good luck with this!
It sounds like your mom may be a hoarder — have you ever watched this show on A & E? http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/
Your mom sounds exactly like my mom. I can’t stand going home either. If I do my allergies and asthma start acting up because we have years of dog piss on the floor. Then our dogs poop next to the pad too. It’s not a pleasant experience. I really don’t blame you for not wanting to help. I had to live in that for 10 years and when I did try to help it wasn’t worth it.
My mother is the same way. She was more like you until I was 15 or so, but it’s all progressively gone down hill since then. She says she got sick of “doing it all”, but my sister and I were always good about doing our chores, and I’m likely to believe it’s actually due to depression.
She has a St. Bernard. Thankfully, he doesn’t go all over the house, but her entire basement (where the washer/dryer is) is completely filled with dog poop and pee because she’s too weak (fibromyalgia) to take him out most of the time.
She routinely gets upset that “she does so much for everyone” (which is true, she does), but nobody ever helps her clean her house up when she’s having trouble. Now, even though it’s NOT my responsibility and it highly grosses me out, I HAVE offered to help. She always has some excuse as to why she needs to do it another day. I hate going over there.
Sorry for the rant, but moral of the story is, I TOTALLY understand.
That’s really… gross sounding (the dog poop everywhere). How can she *stand* living in a house with dog urine and feces everywhere? I mean, not just the smell, but the fact that it’s got bacteria and it’s in her house. It’d be on par with using the toilet and never flushing. -shudders-
Anyways, I’m glad you told her no. It’s definitely all her own responsibility. If she wants to make her house look presentable, why not actually make it presentable instead of just looking it?
Part of the problem is that little dogs are hard to housetrain, even when you are putting in effort (which it doesn’t sound like your mum is doing). Our small dog would usually go in the house at least once a day when she got older, it was so disgusting. I think dogs are just less particular about being clean, compared to cats. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m not a dog person! But, I would never be using puppy pads or whatever they’re called. Nobody does that here, you just let them out in the yard to do their business.
And yeah, it’s so not your responsibility to be cleaning up after her! You have your job and family, and she isn’t doing anything else, so it’s not like she is too busy to do it.
That’s awful your mother allows that to go on. With proper training a dog can be housebroken in months. Colby was completely broken we’d say by June (at about 7-8 months old) and it took so long because his rebellious side didn’t get kicked due to being w/ his parents. Since then he’s gone in the house here once due to an upset tummy and once or twice at Randy’s moms as rebellion and separation anxiety. Animal feces/piss STINK horrifically. I wouldn’t let my child’s mess sit like that, I don’t understand how your mom can just let that go on either. EW. I don’t blame you for not wanting to help. She has no other responsibilities so she’s got no excuse.
Not helping your mother is probably for the best. It seems as though she is either depressed or a hoarder, likely both. Maybe if the parent trainer sees her house this way, your mom can get help.
While my parent’s house isn’t that bad (no inside pets), they do have lots of stuff piled everywhere. I think it has made me want to keep my house so clean, which I usually do though I’ve kind of let it go the past few weeks because school and spending time with James is more important. I believe you are right to refuse to help her, especially since she is at home all the time. Even with a disability, she could be doing a bit each day to get things looking presentable.
Jenn, I’ve been reading you off and on for a lot of years and I said this before, but I’ll say it again – you have come such a long way! It’s really hard to take a stand, to set limits, and lay down the boundaries with your own Mom. But you are really doing it now despite how difficult it must be. That’s very brave, Jenn.
I know what it’s like to get caught up in a circle cycle of guilt, and feeling responsible for helping family.. especially with such heavy issues at stake.
I know you’d love for your brothers to be returned to your mom, but I commend you on making healthy choices for yourself and your own little family.. you definitely have more than enough on your own plate.
Your mom’s situation is sad. It seems that the common-sense thing to do would be to get rid of the dog, clean up the house, maybe get some therapy to work on some issues that might be affecting her behavior as far as housework is concerned. There really is much help out there to teach folks new behaviors and new habits but it definitely takes work and it is not easy.
You and all of your fam will be in my thoughts and prayers.