My total weight loss to date is 109.2 lbs. That’s nothing to sneeze at. I’m sure there are at least a few of you that read my blog who weigh around that, maybe even less. I can only dream of the day when I reach my goal weight — 160 lbs. But then again, this time a year ago I could only dream of the day when I’d be under 300 lbs… when I’d be 250 lbs… when I’d be closer to 200 lbs. than 300 lbs. All these numbers, it makes my head spin. For the record, I’m 221.8 lbs. today. I’ve been hovering at and above the 222 mark since the 13th or so of March, so it feels good to be under 222, even if I’m barely hanging on to that “accomplishment” by a mere 0.2.
Unfortunately, not all of the physical changes I’m experiencing are good ones. It’s great to be so much lighter, it’s fucking fantastic to be a size 18 in pants, a size 18/20 in tops, a mere XL in underwear (Xhilaration brand, anyway) and somewhere between a 40D and 42DD in bras. But… I’ve got definite bingo flaps. Dan remarked that I have the teeniest bit of saggage around my inner thighs. And my stomach? Let’s not even go there.
But it is what it is. If this journey has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t change what I did to get to this point, and I can’t go back and undo the damage I’ve done to my body. But I can lose weight, consistently now, and learn to embrace my body. Maybe not love it, though I certainly hope to one day, but accept it. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, ever since I stocked up on some XXL (again, Target — Zhilaration and Mossimo brands) tank tops and realize that I’m not going to be able to hide my arms for much longer (long sleeves FTW!). There’s not much I can do about them, or about my stomach, so I’ve adopted the “Fuck it” motto. I can spend the rest of my life hiding the residual effects of being 300+ lbs. and then losing nearly — or more, by the time I reach my goal — half of myself, or I can embrace my body, enjoy it for what it is, and while I won’t be flaunting my flaws, I won’t be worrying about them either.
And you know what? Despite hating my arms and my stomach, I still think I look good — for being as heavy as I was, and as heavy as I still am. And there are times, especially when I’m with Dan, when we’re intimate and I look in his eyes and realize that I am his everything, that I am rocking his world and he is completely and utterly in love AND lust with me, especially right there in that MOMENT, that I feel hella sexy. And that? That is one of the greatest feelings in the world. ♥
At this point in my life, after being morbidly obese for over a decade, I am almost successful in not really giving a damn about what other people think of me. It may momentarily sting or chafe, but at the end of the day, what someone else thinks of me doesn’t change ME. Their thoughts and opinions have no impact on ME, because the persons thinking then mean nothing to me. They are not me. They are not in my life. They are not helping me or supporting me or even befriending me. So fuck ‘em.
(Someone remind me of this blog entry when it’s June and I’m horribly self-conscious about my upper arms, thanks.)
yay way to go jenn! you have basically lost a nichole (i weigh a little more than 110 but you see what i’m saying of course)i am so very happy for you
Congrats on your progress so far! You look awesome!
Congratulations on your weight loss. I’m still stuck between 206-208. Maybe I’m just reading the PG part wrong and with a little snark, but I wasn’t trying to be rude when I asked about being able to implement features for the board. Many asked me and you hadn’t logged in for a few months (super busy) so I just wanted to help out in any way I could to keep it up and running.
Ugh, I clicked the wrong RSS feed post to reply to.
I’m sorry.
@Dez: Ahh Dez, I swear my quip in my post wasn’t directed towards you! I actually received three different messages on PG, along with a few anonymous Qs about both Lavish & PG on my Q&A. One in particular was all “you can provide me with FTP info and transfer the domain to me and I’ll host it blah blah blah”. It just rubbed my the wrong way.
I emailed you!
*hug* I’m so sorry if I offended you or upset you. Actually, I’d love to have your help with managing things, if you would still be interested.
Again, I am so proud of you!! I’ve fluctuated over the years… I went from tiny to heavy to smaller to very heavy to what made me happiest to heavier again. So, I do understand so much about the affects it has on the body. Unfortunately, mine all started with an eating disorder 15 years ago. Now, no matter how small I get… I can never lose the “excess” in my arms and stomach. And I have some lovely stretch marks to show for the constant fluctuation. For me, it’s a matter of consistent cardio. It’s not always easy to stick with it when you don’t see results as soon as you want though.
You lost an entire me in weight, congratulations! :D It kind of goes to show, that if you have the determination and willpower to do something in order to have a healthier life, you can do it and you can achieve. Which is completely and utterly awesome and amazing. Congratulations on your progress and I’m sure you’ll reach your goal weight soon!
I *think* that I remember you writing before (either on this blog or on another) about some of the health issues you were having because of your weight (might have been something like joint pain?), how has that improved so far?
You, your attitude and your acchievements in the weight-game is such an inspiration. I hope you can manage to stick with the positive attitude – you’ve managed to do something that so many dream about, but never do! Be proud of yourself – you deserve it! *big hug*
Hi Jenn,
I’ve been reading your website for a while now but this is my first comment. I underwent gastric bypass surgery in 2002 when I was 17 (I am 25 now). My highest weight was 306lbs and now I am between 180-185lbs. The whole experience was a rollercoaster for me. I had a lot of excess skin of course as well as a not so nice um chest. I opted to get a breast augmentation and a tummy tuck 3 years ago but I still have those saggy thighs and as you like to call them bingo flaps. (I call them grandma arms) If you need help or advice or just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to e-mail me. It’s a life changing thing we both went through and the journey doesn’t end just because you’ve had weight loss surgery. I commend you for having the strength to go through with it because I know first hand the difficulties and complications that come with such a surgery. Take care!
Therese
Jenn …
You do realize that no matter what you are gorgeous as person in the heart.
I’m sure Dan does not mind how you look. He loves you for who you are and what you are as I’m sure most of the regular visitors of your site.
Keep it going girl and stop worrying about ” bingo flaps ” .. You are great the way you are.
Jennifer!!! It’s been so long since I checked in with you. Somewhere along the line I stopped blogging and visiting blogs. I *think* I remember that you were considering the surgery but I’m still shocked at this update. I always thought you were gorgeous but you look just amazing!! I understand what you mean about having all new issues to deal with now that you’ve lost weight. I just wanted to express enthusiasm about this entry and your progress. Keep it up and I will try to read more often! <3