I’m nowhere near perfect, and unfortunately my marriage isn’t either. I generally don’t air any major disputes or grievances between Dan and I, not only because I prefer to keep those things semi-private, but also because I don’t like to put any chinks in my armor. Show no weakness, you know? I learned many years ago that there are vultures out there that will crawl out from their rocks at any sign of weakness or sign of things being less than perfect or “right”. But in any case, I’m human and I’m not going to lie, Dan and I have our issues. The only big one is a recurring one involving his addictive personality and subsequent obsession with his games. I’m just so tired of it… and he won’t consider changing because in his mind, there isn’t a problem. It’s all me, you know. I’m overreacting, I’m being ridiculous, and perhaps I’m just too clingy and too needy. Eh. This has been going on for so long… I honestly brought up the idea of counseling, and he’s agreeable to it, so we’ll see where it gets us…
In any case, this issue, while certainly significant in my mind (I won’t get into details, but let’s just say that it touches on almost every aspect of our lives, and it’s touching on Alyssa and Ryan as well, and THAT sends me into a murderous rage), I still love Dan with all my heart, and he me, and I know that we’ll make it through this… somehow. Meh.
Right now I’m still scrambling to catch up on work. I was up until 2:00am this morning, and right back to it this afternoon, once Comcast sent out technicians to fix whatever random issue that caused our internet to go out around 10:00am. Remind me to not take a four day weekend ever, ever again!
Hopefully counseling will be helpful for you both. Ben and I have been to counseling for to separate issues. The thing they focus on most is communication and being receptive to hearing what the other person is feeling and needing from you. Two people that go into it knowing they love each other and honestly want the best for each other is the first BIG step in the right direction.
It’ll be okay. Who knows maybe you’ll both come out stronger, changed for the better people. :D That can be an awesome thing. I hope it does help. It’s a terrible burden for the person without the addiction to games.
I’m so glad to hear that he’s agreed to counseling and I hope that it works for you too. That’s the first step in my book, the willingness to work on it and I hope it works out well for you both.
If you need to talk or vent, you know I’m just an IM away. *hugs*
I hope everything works out!
I dated a guy for almost 3 years, and in the end his obsession with video games what just one part in many reasons for our split. I really hope you guys can work it out. It seems so silly for something like video games can cause such a problem, but it’s just like any addiction I suppose, though one that isn’t physically damaging.
I really hope you guys can work it out. At least he’s open to the idea of conselling, which just goes to show how much he cares for you and your relationship, especially when he’s adament he’s not doing anything wrong. Good luck!
Anything worth saving is gonna take work right? Counseling seems like a good idea, but scary at the same time. I’m sure it will work out, you are a strong person that seems to be able to stand up for herself. I read some of your fb posts the last couple of days and I see some things that you are going through. So yeah, maybe just a third party listening is what you guys need!
And oddly enough, our comcast went out at 10:30 last night and came back in 10 minutes. It’s Comcastic!
Counseling sounds like a good idea, especially since he didn’t fight you on the idea! My boyfriend plays a lot of video games, but the real time suck is work for him (regularly doing 70-80 hours/week). =/ And there’s no real complaining about that (… even if i do? lol). I hope everything works out well and that the two of you find a good counselor who will help you both out!
Hope counselling helps
Counselling sounds a little extreme to me..
I am married to a gamer, and as long as it doesn’t interfere with our daily lives ie working, looking after the children etc then it is none of my biz!
Put it this way-Dan could be out drinking to all hours-cheating with every broad that looks at him sideways,drugs etc doing god knows what in his spare time!But he is at home or with his brother right? Gaming is harmless as long as it doesn’t get in the way.He holds down a full time job and from what I’ve read has an active family life.
As long as he is part of family life,when he is not working then I say cut the guy some slack.
You have your hobbies, you work , you deal with the kids. It is the same difference Jenn.
Yes , I do not know the full details of your ‘Gamer Hubby’ but he loves you, you love him regardless of his little odd bits right?
It could be a lot worse hun, chin up!
I hope you two can work through this Jenn. I understand how it can grate on you. Ugh.
Yeah.. he’s not “drinking and cheating” so it’s not wrong! Sounds like your husband has you pretty well trained, Tehya.
I guess you didn’t read the tweets where she talks about checking on Dan and the kids when he is supposed to be watching them and he is so into the game that he doesn’t even know what the kids are, or that they have PUT THEMSELVES TO BED. That is NOT okay.
Also, don’t DISCOURAGE somebody from getting counseling. It’s not going to HURT them or make them worse off so why would you even do that?
Seriously…
Good for you deciding to go to counseling. I am glad he is open to it too. I personally know 2 relationships that were destroyed over MMORPG addiction, one of them was a marriage.
I thought Dan dropped out/failed out of school in the past because of the gaming problems?
My brother had battled off and on with a gaming problem. He’s 33 now graduated with Bachelors degree this year. It’s a struggle, but it can be pulled through as long as the person is willing to see that there is a problem and change it. Usually that means they need to step away from games completely for a while and focus their attention on something else — school, kids, a constructive hobby, exercise, etc.
The above commenter must have missed the tweets about Ryan getting LEFT ON THE SCHOOL BUS because Dan was too busy gaming. When it gets to that point it’s really scary! It’s not like he just got sidetracked and forgot to do the dishes or something.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with having a hobby but when you’re doing things like forgetting to collect your children from the bus it IS a problem! I’d say the first step would be removing the gaming system if he isn’t able to resist the temptation… lock it up and hide the key from him if that’s what it takes! It’s sad that people can become so easily addicted to something which is fine when done in moderation. The thing about gaming is the more you play, the more it overtakes your life. When you step back and go without playing for awhile suddenly it becomes much less important. Frankly considering how much Dan seems to be at work you’d think he would want to spend time with you and your children when he was home rather than being glued to a game
Counselling is a great idea especially if you have communication issues… Maybe having an intermediary will help both of you express how you’re feeling better, plus they can suggest some strategies for dealing with the gaming going out of control. Good luck <3
@Tehya:
I don’t think it’s productive to say, “Oh, XYZ isn’t so bad because it’s not drinking or cheating.” Everyone’s personal barometer for the negative things that impact a family or relationship are different. Jenn has said she doesn’t want to go into the details but that it has started to touch the lives of their children and if that is the case, I think counselling is very much warranted, while the children are still young.
Also, the kind of hobbies single people have versus the kind of hobbies married people have should be different; gaming IS by its very nature all-consuming. I’m in university and I deliberately leave all my games at my grandparents’ while school is in session because I realize that it takes away from my study time but, more importantly, takes away from my social life. I could see myself saying, “No thanks, go on without me…I’m just going to sit and play this game.” And I’m not even what someone would consider a gamer! I only have a couple of games.
I’m the same way. I play WoW and my husband doesn’t like it ’cause it takes away from his time with me. But I see no problem. I’m doing what I like. I don’t bitch when he’s out with his friends all night doing whatever it is men do… or when he works on his cars.
Instead of complaining…. I think you should give him like… a “curfew” for his game time. Ya know? Like us. I play wow until he gets home with the boy. Unless it’s tuesday then I get off until he goes to bed so I can raid from 11-3.. then other nights I just go to bed with him.
Iuno that’s just me. But it’s a thought. ;P Don’t want him to be COMPLETELY miserable, neh?
@Jenny: er… miserable without his games (cause men WILL bitch if they cant have what they like most)
No not really ‘Anna’ I have been married 12 years and I’m probably a bit older than you so I do know what I’m on about.
My hubbie works full time, he doesn’t drink or smoke so he is allowed a life -sorry but I dont have to be a cow about it
As for Larissa- I was trying to say in a polite way-stop whining you silly little thing
Jenn isnt giving the full story and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything seriously wrong in my book , maybe because we have been married for so long that we are a bit more relaxed with each others hobbies. I don’t need to hold his hand every five minutes
Well, I’ve been married twice and have an 11 year old. So maybe I’m as old as you are know more than YOU.
And yeah, you’re right. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with forgetting to pick up your adolescent, autistic child from the bus BECAUSE YOU ARE GAMING. Or not having a clue where your kids are BECAUSE YOU ARE GAMING. If that’s your idea of okay, you have some problems you need to solve too, ‘Tehya’.
I didn’t see in her post where she said she “wanted to hold his hand every five minutes”, just that she wanted him to spend some time, RESPONSIBLY, with her and her kids.
Like the other Anna, I know of two marriages that actually ended because one of the people was so wrapped up in MMORGPs. One of them got remarried, only to be divorced again a year later for the exact same problem. Contrary to your expert opinion, it is an actual problem that people have.
And actually, you sound like you are projecting a bit on Jenn. You can’t admit it might be a problem in HER marriage because then you have to admit it might be one in yours. Whatever, you are entitled to your own opinion but I think it’s work looking at the fact that nobody else agrees with you. That might mean something, if you are willing to take a second to really SEE that.
@Tehya: @Anna: Whoa. It was never my intention to start a debate. Both Annas ultimately hit the nail on the head. My issue isn’t that he plays video games and computer games. It’s a hobby. I understand and respect that. He enjoys it, he’s passionate about it, he likes to spend time doing it. That’s all fine.
But what is not fine is the fact that our marriage, his relationship with his children and his family as a whole is suffering because in his list of priorities, the kids and I rank below his gaming. I really think he has an addictive personality, based on what I’ve witnessed with his family members, only in his case he didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol (thank god), but games.
I don’t expect Dan to be with me every single second, holding my hand and assuring me of his undying love from me. What I DO expect is him to be available emotionally. I expect him to be able to turn off the games after a reasonable amount of time (to me, reasonable is 1-3 hours on his days off, 1-2 hours on the days he works). I expect him to pay attention to the kids and I. I expect him to initiate conversations, discussions, games, and outings with us. I expect him to initiate intimacy and sex with me. I expect him to answer me the first time I ask him something. I expect him to answer his daughter or son when they’re standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM TALKING TO HIM. I expect him to put his children to bed on the nights he is home and I’m working — and we’ve agreed that I will work while he takes care of bedtime — instead of only discovering they PUT THEMSELVES TO BED hours after their bedtime, because he wasn’t there emotionally to disconnect from his game in order to put them to bed. I expect him to keep track of the time and listen for the school bus and not ignore the phone when it rings — especially when it’s the school bus driver calling because she’s sitting outside of our house with our three year old autistic son and nobody has come out to get him (at the time I was in the shower, and Dan was responsible for getting him off of the bus).
Those are my expectations. Are they too much to ask of a person? I don’t think so.
I absolutely do not think it’s asking too much, Jenn. At all.
Ben likes to game too and in the winter when it’s too cold to do much outside, he spends some time playing WOW at night and that’s okay, but like you said, not at the cost of me and Cassidy. He also used to leave for days at a time to go to the track and race his car (before he wrecked it), but he was really good about balancing time between that and us.
I really think that counseling will help you two. Just opening up the lines of communication can do so much to make a marriage better and I think that the fact that he’s willing to go and work on things is fantastic because at least he’s open to the fact that there MIGHT be a problem.
Most people in marriages don’t take the time to try and fix stuff like this till it’s over. By then it’s too late and it wouldn’t help. So when I see people DISCOURAGING it, it bothers me. Good for you for seeing it and FIXING it, not just complaning about it. You should be ENCOURAGED, not DISCOURAGED.
That is different – His hobby is getting in the way of family life-what is he doing Gaming when the kids are awake?
My husband- my first and only husband- only games in the evenings when the kids are safely asleep in their beds.
I only have my own benchmark ‘dad’ to fall back on. We’re in our 30′s and he is decent ,hardworking man and an incredible father. I have MS and he does everything around here (bar the cooking!) so apart from working , doing the housework and looking after the boys for the majority of the afternoon. His evenings are his own to do as he pleases!
Dan needs to grow up a tad- he is a married man with children now-time to play that game for a bit?
I know that you love him Jenn, but you wouldn’t put up with him in any other context right? If he isn’t willing to ship up then ship him out!
You are not the type of female to ask for advice on how to deal-strong minded woman and all that
remember who you are and what you are!
good luck
@Tehya: Dan games when he isn’t working, sleeping, eating, showering, or using the bathroom. I only manage to pry him off when I bug him to watch television with me — maybe 1-2 times per week, if that — or when I drag him out with us — again, maybe 1-2 times a week. I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not.
I feel for you hun, I really do.
When I first left a comment I did not realise the extent of his gaming. I was looking at my own experience. We have two nights a week were we have an ‘offline’ night meaning no internet, no gaming. We watch TV in bed (a DVD or movie) we normally clear of at around 10 pm in the eveing and have tea and biccies to watch TV in bed.
You should try to start at least a one night a week ‘offline’ night and just hang together
I do feel bad because I completely underestimated your situation and I am sorry for that. Knowing what I now do then my first comment seemed to be very flippant and insensitive.
SOrry! Sorry sorry
You’ll pull him into line-you’re a good catch he’ll soon figure out wha side his bread is buttered on!
Bottomline is that you love hm, he loves you.. you can work it out
stick with him kid
i broke up with a guy after being with him for 4 years because i could no longer deal with his video game addiction. thankfully i was not married or had a kid with him so it was easier to get out of the situation. reading your tweets and this stuff though, reminds me of how it felt in that relationship. constantly being neglected because he preferred his games to me. he refused counseling and just told me it was my problem and that i was too clingy and needy… he would go weeks without even seeing me! (we lived in the same house and he would go to friends houses to play their games that he didn’t own, and he would just stay there!)
i’m glad dan however is open to counseling and i agree with tehya’s comment here about having an offline night. i think you should set down some rules about the games and when they can and cannot be played. there are things you can get to limit time spent on games, even most consoles have them now. its usually in the parental settings.
its strange that all this cropped up during video game addiction awareness week!
good luck to you, and i hope you do get it sorted out. i know you love dan a lot and i’m sure he loves you too. just got to pry him away from the controller.