Let me tell you something. Weight loss really fucks with your head. Prior to having weight loss surgery, prior to losing the 45 lbs. that I lost before my surgery, I had myself fooled. I didn’t think I was as fat as I actually was. Don’t get me wrong, I realized I was overweight, I was realistic about my clothing sizes (30/32 at my largest), and I knew I was a total fatty. But I kidded myself into thinking that because I had nice breasts, because I had curves, that I was sexy. Now, I look back at my photos from the past few years, and especially the ones from 2008 – 2009, and I just cringe. And I want to go back and smack my 23 and 24 year old selves silly. Do you really think you have a neck? Have you seen the size of those thighs? Jesus, woman, put down the food and DO SOMETHING.
So I did something, and I’ve lost a lot of weight. I can acknowledge that. I’ve lost 125 lbs. in a year and two months. I’m sure some of YOU weigh 125 lbs., or around that, which just blows my mind (and probably yours). I can acknowledge that I’m in size 14 tops and bottoms, that my bra size is somewhere between a 38D – 40D, and that my underwear are a size XL. I’m so damn close to normal. An overweight normal, but nevertheless NORMAL.
And yet… I still think of myself as grossly and disgustingly fat. I have my moments where I’m like, “Damn, I look pretty good*”, but overall, I just don’t get it. People tell me I look amazing. My mom says she’s proud of me. Jason says I look great. Dan calls me skinny, and punctuates it by putting his hands on my rib cage and hip bones, which jut out and are quite noticeable, especially when I’m laying down. I’m not fat enough for Lane Bryant, and I’m one clothing size away from being out of the plus sizes forever, and yet… I don’t get it. Tonight, for example, I stopped in Target for cat litter, and while I was there I went to look for a pair of shorts (more on that in a minute). I spotted a black lace-trimmed tank top that I liked, but it was only a 1. And by a 1, I mean Target’s plus size 1, which is the equivalent to a 12/14 (their plus stuff runs small). I grabbed a 2, yet lo and behold, a quick dash into the fitting room proved that the 1 fit very nicely. Meanwhile I’m thinking I’m big enough for people to want to buy me aircraft parts and supplies for my birthday (big as a plane, get it? Har har.).
Onto the shorts. Shorts. Something I haven’t worn since I was a child. In middle school and high school I willingly took lower grades in gym EVERY SINGLE DAY by refusing to wear the shorts that were a part of the gym uniform. I wore the gym t-shirt, and participated in gym, but I refused to wear the shorts. My gym grade was always around a C because of my failure to comply with uniform regulations, but to me it was worth it. After high school, I wore nothing but jeans until 2004ish, when I grudgingly conceded to wearing capris, since thick denim can be brutal in the summer. Capris, in my opinion, are the fat girl’s shorts. But they do the job.
But this year? I’m tired of capris. It’s funny, I don’t get hot like I used to, in fact I’m tolerating the heat better than ever (I ran around in 100° weather this afternoon and didn’t break a sweat!), but capris are just annoying. I’m tired of hiding. And yet… I’m terrified of shorts. I hate my legs. Ugh, I hate, hate, hate them. Granted, they’re much better than they were, and the unsightly bulge of fat that used to start above the knee is gone, but my legs still aren’t where I want them to be. And to be perfectly honest, I’ve got some slight loose skin issues there, too. Maybe I’m just overly critical, but it seems like the flesh on my thighs comes to a stop half of a second after I do.
In any case, I told myself to quit being a whiny bitch, and grabbed a pair of shorts at Target tonight. They’re denim, they’re dark, they fit (size 17 in Target’s regular line. What the hell does a 17 equate to in plus size?), and holy shit are they SHORT. I’m pretty sure there’s a risk of my uterus hanging out when I sit down. But… I like them. But… I hate them. I’m trying SO hard to just be confident, to say fuck it, this is me, I’m going to look fat (not as fat as before, but still fat) no matter what, so I might as well be comfy and stop acting and looking as though I’m trying to hide my fatness. But it’s hard. I swear, I have SUCH a complex these days. I told Dan earlier that when I was 330+ lbs., I was in denial, I didn’t think I was as fat as I was, yet I was oddly slightly more comfortable in my own skin than I am now. Now, I’m nearing the ONEderland mark, but I think I’m fatter than I am, and to top it all off, I’m more critical than ever.
With all of that said, here is how I look in shorts:
And not that the internet validates my existence or anything, but I am curious to find out what other people think. Dan says I look fantastic (though he admitted the thigh flab issue is kind of sucky), I’m sure my mom will say I look like a ho for wearing short shorts (whatever), a nice girl on Dailybooth said I look fine. What about you? Be honest, but enjoy the anonymity of a poll:
Loading ...*Minus the bingo flaps, saggy boobs and slightly loose boob skin (yes, it looks as bad as it sounds; no, I will not take pictures to show you), and messed up stomach
I think the shorts look great on you! You have come a long way, so you deserve to wear whatever you want!!
I think you look absolutely fine Jenn. You have nothing to be self conscious about, IMO.
You look amazing! And I agree with Amanda, you have nothing to be self conscious about.
I’ve had issues with shorts ever since high school. I have HUGE legs and I’ve always had massive thighs. I have the typical Hawaiian lower half and shorts and I just don’t get along. I wear them around the house cause Josh has already seen me naked so what do I care, but around people, nuh uh. No sir. Since I’ve gained weight I have the whole cellulite thing going on on the backs of my thighs. It’s slowly dissipating with all my working out – and it looks fine from a distance – but close up, guh. Ew.
So my thing is, if you have the balls to rock it, go for it
But I sure don’t.. yet 
I hate shorts as well, always have. However I think you look great.
You can have all the surgeries you want to ‘fix’ the problems you think you have, but that’s not the problem. Even after Jen (my wife) had lost the 150+ pounds and before the near-fatal digestive system collapse that she now barely lives through, she still felt like ‘the fat girl’. That’s self-esteem. You can’t fix that with a scalpel and some staples.
I think you can definitely pull off shorts (and skirts) now….You do not look as fat as you believe, BUT I’m sure you know already that toning up will do wonders and look better. You will look AND feel great.
The shorts are really cute, and I agree with everyone else that they don’t look bad on you at all. I know exactly where you’re coming from though on the whole not being used to the weight loss thing. A few years back (well more like 5 or so) I weighed about 230 pounds or a little more than that and decided to go on a diet because I was sick of being that big. Anyways, in the end I ended up losing about 100 pounds and was down to around 130 or so. And I never really thought of myself as skinny. Unfortunately, since then I’ve gained a little more than half back and am trying to lose it again.
Anyways, sorry for the long story. By the way, when I wanted to get rid of some of the leg fat and tone them, I would just get down on the floor and do leg lifts. It really did work. :-)
You look fine to me. I’m not big on what people think about me anymore. I would wear those out and say FK to all who says I look bad.
You look good! I have similar hang ups about my legs though, and was the exact same as you about gym shorts at school. Even now I can’t wear a pair of short shorts like that, I just hate my thighs and have some excessive fat around my knees even though I’m a UK size 12-14 which is pretty average. If I was you though, just go for it. Sure you might have the skinny people stare, but so what? If you feel good in it do it! With how far you’ve come you deserve to feel good about yourself
I’m 150 now with my highest being 200 and lowest being 130. I feel exactly the same way as you. Eventhough weight has been lost I still feel worse now and cover up a lot more than I should to be comfortable. With that being said the most comfortable shorts for me are the ones that go *just* above the knee. That way my thighs are covered and the half second jiggle is less noticeable.
You look great btw!
I wear shorts like that all the time, usually I put tights underneath unless it’s really hot. I’m average weight for my height (5’10 and about 62kgs… whatever that is in pounds) but I still feel self-conscious about my legs sometimes. But when it’s hot usually being comfortable is what I care about most!
Anyway, I think they look fine on you. I’m surprised you’re self-conscious about showing your legs since you seem to wear low-cut tops and be confident about your cleavage
I guess one of the downsides to losing so much weight so quickly (as opposed to losing it slowly with dieting/exercise) is that you don’t get time to adjust your body image. Dropping 125lbs in a year is an amazing achievement, but a big change too. Maybe like some of the other commenters have said, starting to tone up would make you feel less ‘wobbly’ and give you more confidence? I’m surprised that developing an exercise plan wasn’t a part of the whole bypass surgery process.
Why not get longer shorts if you’re not comfortable with how your legs look? Baby steps, yo. Also, work out more. That sounds rude, and I don’t mean it to be, but once you get into exercising, you’ll stop caring how your body looks and be more interesting in what it can do. Also, you’ve mentioned several times that you made the choice to have gastric bypass for health…why stop halfway? Food and weight are only part of the picture, physical fitness is the rest.
I know in text things may come across differently than one intends, so I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not intending to be bitchy or catty, just helpful. The shorts look great, but the shirt isn’t doing you any favors. I’d ditch the horizontal stripes. I’ve seen pics with way cuter shirts than that one (and I’ve been reading your blog since you were pregnant for Alyssa)!
I’m right with what one of the above commenters said. You can lose all the weight in the world and you’ll still feel fat until you fix your mindset. You weigh less then I do now and I’ve never been called fat by someone outside of idiots in high school. Your now more then in a “normal” range. The only people who will think your fat are idiots at this point. So really, what you need to do is sit down and work out your thought process. Because even another 50 lbs less from now, you’ll still think your fat, unless you work on your mindset.
I think the shorts look fine. I am a board short girl myself, but I think they look good on you. Be proud of what you have accomplished!
It probably seems to you like you’re fat because you’re still perceiving yourself as the old Jenn, which is perfectly normal to do after the surgery. It can take a long time to recognize that you’re no longer that same size. The thing you should start working on is finding out who you are and how you can go about integrating the new look into your mind as being who you are now. Otherwise, you could set yourself up for some issues further down the road. You may always be a bit self-conscious about your looks, but eventually you will feel more at home in your body.
Just wanted to first say that your private comment thing doesn’t work. I could read them all.
But to the main point–you look fine in shorts! One issue you might walk into is them riding up into your crotch and constantly have to pull them down or maybe that’s only an issue I struggle with? And unlike what someone else said, I think you really do pull off that top!
I’m not understanding how I, myself, should be totally “blown away” by my weight. Maybe I’m misunderstanding what you mean? I’m currently at 94 lbs, but I have always been that way. I might be underweight, but I don’t look sickly. It suits my petite self plus my fast metab weight just won’t let me gain the extra weight. I’ve done the muscle milk, lots of calories filled foods, exercise… and I’m quite fine with never reaching 100. I enjoy being my size.. well sometimes it sucks with finding clothes that fit me esp with the pants but know I shouldn’t complain too much cuz I know there are OTHERS out there that wish they were my size.
But… you are looking great these days. Major congrats from me!!!
I think you look great in shorts! I’m almost 19, I’m around 5’2”, and I weight about 143lbs. Obviously I’m overweight for my height, but not by very much, and my thighs seems to come to a stop half of a second after I do too :P. I too am built with a small upper half and thunder thighs. I hardly ever wear shorts in public because I feel my legs are huge and jiggly. People tell me they’re fine and they don’t know why I refuse to wear shorts, but if I’m not comfortable nothing anyone says is going to help me. So I know how you feel, it’s not as easy as just putting on the shorts and not giving a damn!
PS… thanks for the email clearing up what you meant =)
PS PS… I got bored during a root canal procedure on a patient and got to thinking of what types of fabric patterns would look good on you. I totally think red plaid, maybe polka dots, solid colors: red, blue.. not sure of what else.
I used to weigh 308lbs and I had gastric bypass in 2002 (when I was 17) I now weigh between 175-180. (I’m 5’9). I still feel like a “fat girl” when I look in the mirror, granted like you I have my days where I think to myself “hey you look great.” But no surgery will ever fix how you feel about yourself on the inside. It takes a long time for your brain to catch up with your body. You look amazing and should be proud of what you’ve accomplished thus far. =)
Girl!!! I think you look GREAT amazing in fact. You’ve done such a great job and you’ve come so far. I think your legs look fine. They don’t look like thunder thighs either, it actually looks like you have nice legs. Work it!
I want to lose weight, so you’re actually an inspiration to me.
You silly girl! You look amazing. I understand your insecurities, I feel the same way about my clothing, but you really do look GREAT. You have accomplished so much, it makes me horrifically jealous, but totally happy for you!
Your legs are fine, and as the weight loss progresses, they will be fiiiiiine!
Best thing you could do is run on a treadmill to tighten them up. Consistent effort (even three times a week for 40 minutes) will breed results!
You look amazing! I completely relate to the whole shorts thing and the feeling fat even after losing weight.
I just started on the journey to lose weight in April since weight has been my struggle since I was in 4th Grade and even though I’ve already lost 23 pounds (and don’t get me wrong I still have a long way to go, I need to lose AT LEAST 90 pounds) and I can tell that my plus size jeans are getting loose and I can already see how it’s changed the look of my neck/chin/legs etc, I still fill fat (and still am fat) and I don’t see that changing probably ever. As such I haven’t worn shorts since Middle School and I still only wear jeans even in the hot and humid weather. I’m hoping to take the step you just took! So good for you and keep on keeping on! :D
Jenn, you look absolutely fine
. You look great and keep wearing shorts 
.
I don’t think those shorts look bad on you at all!
WOW… I knew you like 3 years ago when I used to blog… I came across your site somehow and you look 100% different! I didn’t even notice you, you look great girl!
I can read all your private comments, btw
I think you look great in shorts. I think you should just wear what you want and not worry about what anyone else thinks.
You know… I went through something very similar. I was heavier for about 6 years and then lost it all without even realizing it. Somehow, even though my sizes had dropped quite a bit, I still saw myself as grossly overweight. It wasn’t until the last year, when I gained much of it back that I realized how small I was back then. It’s frustrating how we view ourselves mentally. Sometimes, I just want to get rid of every mirror in my house.
BTW… you look great in shorts!!
I can completely understand what you’re feeling. Two years ago I was weighing in at my highest (187lbs), and I was in denial about how I looked until I went to the doctor and my blood was terrible and my doctor told me that I needed to do something NOW since my family history of heart disease and diabetes was not in my favor. I went to Weight Watchers and lost 50 pounds, but now, two years later, I still sometimes get into that mindset of being “fat.” I put that in quotes because I hate the word. Over the years I went through the same process, capris, then to shorts, tankinis then last year I bought a true two piece (and wore a coverup up until this year b/c I felt so self conscious). I think the mindset is harder to change than the physical aspects of your body to be honest. I think that you look great, and I know that buying those shorts was something major. You haven’t worn them in years and after all of the hard work you have been putting into yourself you DESERVE to wear them. Screw the haters, and try not to let that little voice in your head tell you otherwise. I do think you should definitely incorporate some exercise into your routine when you can. I think that working out helps so much and it will help with toning you up, which will make you look even better in your new shorts.
I seriously wrote a book here, so I’ll sum it up and say congratulations on your new body and your new shorts. Wear ‘em proudly.