I won’t pretend for a second that our relationship — Dan’s and mine — is anywhere close to perfect. We’re flawed. Of course we are, we’re human. But for the most part, we’re not plagued with some of the common issues I see friends, acquaintances and random people online dealing with. We have, however, been battling two separate yet somewhat related issues for several years now. Last year, the one issue came to a head, and for a while, it was resolved. But it’s gotten really bad again. The other came to a head, or so we thought, about six months ago. Then everything kind of exploded, over what seemed like absolutely nothing, early Thursday morning.
(I’m sorry I’m being so vague, but believe it or not, there are some aspects of my life and especially my marriage that I’m not willing to share with the general public.)
Thursday sucked. Friday wasn’t much better. Yesterday? It was bad. Really bad. Now that, to me, kind of implies violence, so I want to say right off the bat that there wasn’t any. There was, however, loss of control. Extreme emotions. Screaming. Crying. Asking. Begging. Second guessing. We were both pushed, by ourselves and each other, to the brink. We pushed our relationship to the brink. Any further and the thread would have snapped. At one point Dan was talking about some really scary stuff, and at another point I was even second guessing myself and if I still even loved him anymore, because of the stress, because of the fighting, because of how much I have been emotionally detaching myself from him, from US, in order to cope with the lack of US that there is more often than not (due to one of the issues I alluded to in the beginning of this blog entry). And now I’m feeling so guilty for voicing that out loud to Dan yesterday, because even after we spent hours, literally HOURS talking, and hashing things out, and going over everything that’s wrong and how to make it right, and promising and vowing and swearing to make changes, and making up and then making love and then talking and making up some more, I still worry that I’ve created a complex, that I shouldn’t have said it, because I only felt that way for a split second, literally, because I was just so upset and exhausted and drained and numb.
(Sorry for the run-on sentences. I find that if I try to compose them better, I wind up diluting or outright losing whatever it was I was trying to express in the first place.)
So here we are, hopefully stronger than before. Determined. Making the changes that need to be made. Forcing our hands with not only our willpower but by modifying “outside” circumstances to make sure that our changes stick (kind of like my choice to have gastric bypass surgery, in order to keep the mental control I needed the physical restraint). But more than anything, we are sure of how much we love each other, how much we love our children, how much we want to stay together and grow old together. I just hope we can both make it to old age without having nervous breakdowns, heh.
Yesterday? It was exhausting and stressful. Today? I am just tired. I didn’t get more than half of the stuff done this weekend that I intended to. But it’s all right, because instead Dan and I took care of the one thing that’s more important than anything — our marriage.
Daniel, I love you.
I wish I didn’t relate to this so well today. But, I’m glad you are on the path to making things better and getting it all out. Good luck. I’m like, two days behind ‘ya.
Good luck. I was curious when you posted on Twitter. You probably know this but vowing to make things work isn’t enough. If you think it would help–and it usually does–try counseling on for size.
I think that when we are in the heat of an argument like that we actually say things that we’ve been thinking but not saying. Things you are scared to say normally because of what the reaction might be. You don’t have to worry because there is already a reaction going on. They are things you probably NEEDED to say.
I assume part of it stems from the gaming issue and if that is STILL a problem you need to consider that it’s not going to ever NOT be a problem. Last time you said you were going to look into counseling, have you done that yet?
I have gone through what you are going through and still do. The great thing is that both of you love each other and are willing to make a change. You guys can talk to each other about what is going on in the relationship and fix it alot of people dont even do that . Let me tell you its much easier to give up than it is to try and change. I do see you guys as growing old together . No marriage is ever easy. it takes two people to make it work.
by the way your entry reminded me of a song from beyonce called flaws and all listen to it when u get a chance
It’s excellent to hear you’re both working on things. It really does take both parties to make it work and I’m learning that the hard way, unfortunately. I wish you too all the strength and love to make it through anything that comes your way <3
See I have to think that we as people have thoughts that are so deep and just to ourselves that we shouldn’t ever share them with anyone. Not even our mates. Not even if we are as in love a I am or that I know you are with Dan.
One time, about 10 years ago out of our 14 year relationship Kevin was fed up with me and he needed a break from me. Now, I had issues I’m not going to lie, but he said something to me that I’ve never forgotten. It creep up in my mind and get all insecure. So yeah counseling would be awesome. I mean it’s been10 years and still go humm wonder if he meant that? That’s also in my deepest daker I feel like shit about myself moments!