Besides being self-conscious, lacking in confidence (I faked a lot of it), low in energy and obviously unhealthy, being morbidly obese — over 300 lbs., to be precise — made me feel incredibly unattractive, and worse still, unfeminine. It’s hard to feel attractive, sexy, feminine and alluring when you outweigh your husband by 125 lbs, and worse, when you’ve always outweighed him by at least eighty pounds. I dealt with my own feelings as a result of being overweight, so incredibly and ridiculously and unforgivably overweight, for nearly ten and a half years. I don’t think I can even describe how I felt when I finally reached a weight that was lower than Dan’s, or how much it meant to me. It was almost more significant than getting under 200 lbs, and going from obese to just overweight on the BMI charts.
Last night, at 183.5 lbs, which is almost twenty pounds less than what Dan weighs (he is also a few inches taller than me and most definitely significantly stronger than me; two things I have always reveled in, heh), I got my threshold carry. Since it was cold outside and we were cozy in the house and not wearing shoes, Dan didn’t carry me from the outside of the house to the inside, but he did carry me across the living room and across the threshold of the front door. ♥ ♥ ♥
Yeah!! I bet it felt great
How cute! <3 I don't think I've ever gotten my threshold carry ?_? Don't think it's ever really occurred to me before today! It's so amazing how far you've come in such a short time!! I'm so happy for you
I feel like whenever I leave you a comment it’s always the dissenting opinion and that is certainly not my goal and SO often – I just say nothing because I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is trying to engage you (I’m not) or bully you into filtering yourself (not shooting for that either).
HOWEVER, I feel like you have to be very clear that these are YOUR experiences. Yes, I understand that this is YOUR blog – but when you write things like “It’s hard to feel attractive, sexy, feminine and alluring when you outweigh your husband by 125 lbs, and worse, when you’ve always outweighed him by at least eighty pounds.” I think a lot (most) people believe that everyone in your position feels the same way that you do. In touting that – you become kind of like a spokesperson for fatties. And while being at 300 lbs for YOU made you feel all of the things you wrote about – that’s not the reality for every woman at that size.
I guess I’m saying all of this to say that I feel like now that you’re on the other side of the fence – it’s become increasingly difficult for you to remember what it was like and that as someone with as large an audience as you – I feel as if you need to be more (fighting to find the right word) cautious in making what can be perceived as blanket statements even when that’s not your intent.
And I’m saying all of this as someone who also had surgery – so I can relate to your experiences on both sides and on a lot of levels. Sometimes, I read what you write it comes across as fat loathing and self-hatred more than pride and concern – and I’m willing to concede that perhaps some of that is a reflection of my own perception/situation.
What you’ve done is an amazing thing. Kudos, high-fives & fist pumps in spades – I’d just beg of you to read the things you write sometimes with old you in mind as well ;)
And feel TOTALLY free to delete this. I was actually just going to email you, but figured this was easier for me ;)
I understand your oomment whole heartedly. As a girl who is still on the fat side of the fence… I get it. I do have this utter self loathing that I feel that no one worth while wants me. I don’t feel unfeminine though. I mean, yes, when I get near a man I want I feel like he doesn’t want me but I never feel like it is because I am not feminine enough. I like everything from the first chin up so it’s not that… I just feel like being my weight I am digusting. I don’t like feeling that way but I guess to see it confirmed that being fat is so bad makes me want to lose weight even more but then I feel a bit destined for failure because I am not getting gastric bypass. I am only 23 and maybe it would save me but an invasive procedure that literally rewires your insides for the rest of your life is.. scary. I am proud of your journey Jenn. I know it wasn’t easy but it is faster than losing it the way I have been trying to do. Failing because of my food addiction but the only way I have available to me since I found out the lap band is not a covered benefit for my insurance. I agree with C beacuse I feel when I read this blog post that I may never find my way… Like if I don’t become thin I’ll always feel this horrible way. I mean I probably will because those are my insecurities and I am very unhealthy. I just worry it is going to take me years to feel okay due to the loooong road I have. Jenn, you know me. I am a mess and a half. I just wanted to contribute that I get c’s comment but as a fat girl still I do feel what Jenn felt before her surgery and I feel like a lot of people my weight feel what Jenn felt. It just is an added stab or push to lose weight when i see it in writing (or cyberspace) how it gets better on the other side. I realize my comment is kind of wishy washy but.. I guess thats how I feel on an everday basis so it’s nothing new lol
I’m fine with dissenting opinions. If I wanted things to be all happy and sparkly and in agreement with me, I’d speak to a mirror. ;) Anyway… I understand where you’re coming from, but seeing as how this is my personal blog and not a research paper or even an article for a magazine, I’d like to think that most people would understand and appreciate that I am blogging about my experiences and my opinions. I know of several 200+, 250+ and even 300+ women who are happy with their weight. And honestly? Good for them. Their health is at risk, they know it and I know it, but as long as they are happy, who’s to judge? And even if they’re not, I still wouldn’t judge.
I think Cole said it best — I’m not a spokeswoman. I’m not trying to be one. I own my feelings, too. At 300 lbs and especially at 331 lbs I felt very fat and unattractive. I knew I had a pretty face, and curves — but they were just too wide, among other things. Even now, at 185 lbs, on many days I still feel like I am very overweight and need to continue pushing to my goal. I also struggle with the Fat Girl mindset — mentally I often feel like the 331 lb chick I once was.
Even though I am on the other side of the fence, in many ways I feel like I still have a leg on the first side. If anything, I feel — and I’ve expressed this to Dan — that I live in both realities. Despite my increased confidence, I do still feel very heavy, and still struggle with my own inner issues as a result of my weight. I don’t mean to come across as fat-loathing. I loathe myself for letting myself get to a point where bariatric surgery was even an option, but I do not under any circumstances loathe fat people. I recognize that those who are overweight for non-medical reasons have issues that need addressing, but I do not assume, presume, judge, and I especially do not loathe. I’ve been on the receiving end of disrespect, insults and loathing to even have the idea to dish it out to anyone else.
Anyway, thank you very much for your comment. Dissenting or not, I do very much appreciate it, and it definitely gives me new perspective on things!
I’ll go ahead and disagree with your commenters. It’s utterly ridiculous for anyone to say that you are some sort of spokesperson for all people of any group. Do I judge all moms by you? All women? All wives? Hell no. Do people not understand the point of the blog?
But I digress because even though your experience doesn’t speak FOR everyone, this post spoke TO me. I totally understand what you say about difficulty feeling feminine when you have extra weight. It’s one reason I’ve had such a hard time feeling anything about my gender.
Cole, make no mistake – I wasn’t implying that Jenn WAS the spokesperson for fatties but moreso that I think in saying some of the things she’s said, that she could be interpreted as such. I also didn’t say that I didn’t understand what she’s saying either – since we share quite a lot in common. Just so we’re clear.
Jenn – thanks for being understand & reading what I said. Thanks for not flying off the handle and getting defensive because it wasn’t my intent at all. I’d like to give people credit for understanding that these are only YOUR opinions/points of views but I just don’t think that’s the case, particularly when we are discussing fat people – who are so often marginalized.
I get that these are your experiences, and I’m sure that someone, somewhere is benefiting from reading about them – but I also can’t help feeling a certain kind of way if someone equates your shame w/ shame they feel because I feel like body shaming can be so dangerous.
ANYWAYS – thanks again for being understanding. Congrats, again. I’m glad that you are feeling happier/sexier/healthier etc…you deserve all of that ;)